Parker Posey Can Lose

Guess who came to Angelica Kitchen to order food to-go last night. That's right...

Actress, rebel, and indie film icon, Parker Posey is perhaps most significant for her starring role (in my heart) as Rachel's sole competition for my undying love.

"RACHEL definitely seems perfect for me," I often think. "But how do I know Parker Posey isn't even more perfect for me? Rachel's amazing, and a lot of guys have crushes on her. But Parker Posey is a famous actress. People worship her."

This has been the huge committment stumbling block for me from the beginning. Should I give Rachel my all when I can't be sure if Paker Posey is actually the one for me? What if I drop my heart in Rachel's lap, only to discover that I gave it to the wrong person... that it should have gone to Parker Posey instead?

Since the day Rachel and I met, I've compared the two at every turn. And at times, Parker Posey has - unfortunately - come out on top. Here are some comparisons I was mulling over just before Parker Posey walked in the door:

Rachel got stoned with me in Austin.

Parker Posey was in "Dazed and Confused", a movie about stoners in Austin.

Rachel has a brother.

In "House of Yes", Parker Posey has a brother... in a movie.

Rachel has a dog.

Parker Posey was in "Best of Show".

Rachel liked watching Spiderman 2 with me.

Parker Posey is currently filming "Superman Returns".

Rachel has a radio show.

Parker Posey was in "A Mighty Wind".

Rachel likes to go to parties.

Parker Posey was in "Party Girl".

Rachel won Queen of Austin Queer Prom last year in a scandalously rigged election.

Parker Posey was named "Queen of the Indies" by the highly-respected, corruption-proof Time Magazine.

Rachel grew up in the suburbs of Chicago.

Parker Posey was in "SubUrbia".

When you search for Rachel Osier in the Internet Movie Database, 20 suggested names come up, none of them actually Rachel Osier.

When you search for Parker Posey, you'll be directed to her biography, which lists 57 movies and plenty of TV and video game appearances to boot.

I really liked Rachel's blog Hark! the Future.

But I also really liked Parker Posey's movie "Waiting for Guffman".

If I brought Rachel to my high school reunion in 2007, all my old classmates would say, "Wow, how did that weirdo end up with someone so hot and smart?"

If I brought Parker Posey to my high school reunion, however, all my old classmates would say, "Holy crap! How'd that weirdo end up with PARKER POSEY?!"

Rachel's in love with me, and I with her.

Parker Posey may or may not have seen me at Angelica Kitchen last night, has no emotional feelings toward me, nor me toward her... Score one for Rachel.

Anyway, the comparisons go on and on. It's pretty much all I think about. So when JUSTIN - who was working the juice bar last night - came into the kitchen and whispered to me, "I think Parker Posey's in there," I was elated.

Here was the chance to see once and for all. Who deserves my heart - Rachel or Parker Posey?

Parker Posey's visit was triply exciting, because Angelica Kitchen celebrities are usually too snobby to get food to-go. They almost always eat in the dining room.

Examples: Alicia Silverstone, Morgan Spurlock, Maggie Gyllenhaal, etc.

Either that, or they pay their lackeys to get their vegan food to-go for them.

Examples: I don't know, but I see their lackeys every day.

I had just finished putting some food in a box for a phone order when I got word of Parker Posey. Usually when I package food for a phone order, I leave it in the kitchen to stay warm until the customer arrives. But I needed an excuse to go to the juice bar and see Parker Posey. So I took the box in there.

My heart was pounding. Most celebrities I don't care about, but this was Parker POSEY. What if I screwed up my big chance?

She was going to be at the front of the line. My plan was to take the box for the phone order all the way to the register then tape it up (an otherwise useless action that would be highly obnoxious to the customer who ordered it) so I could look Parker Posey right in the eyes. If it was meant to be, her eyes would tell me; I would know in that very moment.

But I got too scared. Despite my high falootin' "perfect moment" plans, I barely stepped into the juice bar, glanced in Parker Posey's direction but didn't see her because I didn't have my glasses on, pointlessly slid the to-go package across the counter, then went back to the kitchen and hid.

"Moron!" I mumbled to myself. "Fucking idiot! You useless piece of shit! You're garbage! You don't accomplish anything you set out to do! Fuck-up Rhys, that's what they all think of you, and from the moment you wake up til the moment you set your lazy ass back to sleep, you prove them right again and again. First you fuck up Alpacas, then you fuck up The New York Sun, then you fuck up Time Inc.! Get your act together, you pathetic failure! You waste of a perfectly fine soul!"

I punched myself in the shin.

CARMICHAEL, Angelica's kitchen supervisor, saw me beating myself up, and asked what was going on.

"I think Parker Posey's in there," I whispered. "Can you look in and tell me if that's Parker Posey?"

"Parker Posey? Who's that?," Carmichael asked with utmost seriousness.

My jaw dropped halfway to the floor... and then some. Carmichael, probably the hippest person at Angelica, had never heard of probably the hippiest actress in Indiewood.

For the next five minutes, I listed every Parker Posey movie I could think of to see if Carmichael had seen it:

Me: "House of Yes?"

Carmichael: "No."

("That's ironic," I thought. "It's called 'House of Yes' and she said 'No.'")

Me: "Waiting for Guffman?"

Carmichael: "No."

(The most obvious one, a bad sign that she hadn't seen that one)

Me: "Party Girl?"

Carmichael: "No."

("But Carmichael, you're the penultimate party girl," I thought. But I didn't dare say that)

Me: "You've Got Mail, one of Parker Posey's few mainstream films, from which her scenes were deleted?"

Carmichael: "No."

Me: "Dazed and Confused?"

Carmichael: "I've heard of that."

(No on Dazed and Confused? Obviously there was no hope)

Me: "Daytrippers?"

Carmichael: "No."

(Don't know why I even bothered asking about that one. It was a bomb even by indie standards. If Carmichael, who sees almost no movies, had somehow caught Daytrippers, I'd have to wonder what kind of bizarre, fantastical life she'd led)

Oh well. Carmichael had never heard of Parker Posey. Guess that's not a crime.

Just then, Justin came into the juice bar with a new order - a Dragon Bowl.

Now, here's a little background on the Dragon Bowl

The Dragon Bowl is the generic Angelica Kitchen menu item. If you're too cheap to buy the Special of the Day, too uncreative to get the Picnic Plate #5, or too into health to get the Soba Sensation, you get the Dragon Bowl.

Here is a visual representation of a Dragon Bowl, ordered to-go, sloppily packaged, and josteled in your backpack after you pogo-sticked home:

According to the owner of Angelica Kitchen, the other menu items subsidize the cheapness of the Dragon Bowl, which is approximately 10 pounds of food for 12 dollars.

The components of the Dragon Bowl are as follows:

Two scoops of rice.

Two spoonfulls of tofu.

Two spoonfulls of the bean of the day (lentil yesterday).

Three ounces of seaweed.

Two spoonfulls of the vegetable mix of the day (kabocha squach, acorn sqaush, and butternut squash last night)

And two handfulls of greens (usually kale, collards or chard).

All of which is incomplete without the typical Dragon Bowl consumer.

The to-go tins literally sag under the weight of the Dragon Bowls we pack in. It's way too much food for any reasonable person, and people who order the "Full Dragon" - as opposed to the half-portion "Wee Dragon" - get whispered about in the kitchen. "Who's that vegan pig," we wonder, amazed.

"Is this Parker Posey's order," I asked Justin.

"Yeah," he said before rushing back into the juice bar so he could have the maximum possible time in the Indie Queen's presence.

Last night, the vegan pig was Parker Posey.

So, I made a Dragon Bowl for Parker Posey. There's one more thing you need to know about the Dragon Bowl before I continue, however...

You know all the Dragon Bowl components I listed previously? All bets are off when customers realize they can do a substitution.

Yep, at Anglica Kitchen, you don't have to accept your fate. You can have one of the items removed and replaced with another. The replacement can either be a double portion of something (take out the vegetables and double the amount of seaweed if you're masochist) or a completely new item that doesn't normally come in the Dragon (replace the vegetables with soba noodles if you're reckless with your health).

In my opinion, anyone who accepts the Dragon Bowl as is is an utter fool. If you don't substitute, the house wins. Almost all of the substitution items are more expensive than the original items. This is your chance to gouge us!

And beyond that, there's no frackin' way that rice, tofu, beans, seaweed, steamed vegetables and greens happen to be your exact favorite foods. There has to be something you like more.

Only the most self-destructive fatalists with no self esteem take the Dragon Bowl without a substitution. Well, and people who don't know you can substitute.

Here's what I've learned through months of sweat and tears at Angelica Kitchen - the substitution you make says a lot about your character. Which could explain why some coward customers accept the default. They're afraid to let us into their souls. Or maybe they're afraid to peer inside themselves.

Here are the non-standard Dragon items you can substitute for:

Tempeh. A cultured soybean that is typically substituted for tofu. It's easier to digest than tofu. And is healthier in general, since it's the whole bean. And tastes better. And doesn't have enough plant estrogens to give men breasts. So now you know where I stand. (Pro man breasts).

Simple Salad. This is a small portion of the house salad, made up of shredded carrots, cabbage, sprouts, and beets. As far as portion sizes go, this is the best deal, because the salad is too sensitive and too bulky to be packed with the rest of the Dragon Bowl, and thus you get two containers.

Three-Grain. A mixture of quinoa, teff, and amaranth, three of the healthiest grains. Often substituted for rice by those with discriminating taste.

Soba Noodles. Gray noodles with black spots that are healthy as far as noodles go.

Millet. The world's blandest grain, but at Angelica, millet is infused with carrot juice and is actually pretty good. Still, it's our least popular item and is the one thing I've never seen run out.

The key to character discovery through Dragon Substitution is that you can only make one substitution (let's ignore for the moment lax cashiers like Andrea who let you do as many substitutions as you please. She doesn't even put a mint leaf in the desserts, or tape the paper juice cups. And yes, I know Carmichael reads this blog. And I also know she comes crashing down on offenders. Bye, bye Andrea).

In STORY, screenplay structure god Robert McKee says that true character is revealed when a character acts under the most extreme possible pressure.

When a bus explodes, do you run in, risk your life, and save the children, even though you're an illegal immigrant who might be deported if called as a witness? Or do you peel off?

If you peel off, is it simple cowardice? Or is it because you have kids of your own and can't bear the thought of leaving them orphans?

Say you rush into the bus and save a bunch of kids. You can only make a few trips before you are on the verge of death. A few more seconds and your skin will melt off. You can only save one more child. There are two right in front of you, both equally rescueable. Do you pick... the white boy or the black girl?

That's how you reveal the depths of your character's soul - not through characters chatting about random crap - and the same principle is easily applied to the Angelica Kitchen Dragon Bowl.

If someone makes as many substitutions as they want, nothing is at stake, and there's no telling what's most important to them. Oh, they like millet, salad, and beans more than rice, greens and tofu. Well who the hell doesn't?

But if someone has one and only one option, THAT reveals true character.

Say someone gets soba noodles instead of rice, which have similar nutritional qualities and flavors. Why did they do that? Robert McKee says there's a deep-seated reason for everything. In this case, soba noodles are "more fun" than rice, which shows that these customers are still essentially babies at heart who like to play with their food. If, however, they get soba noodles instead of tofu and keep the rice, they are addicted to carbs and probably see-saw dieting.

Let me also add this, though it should go without saying. Tofu is the weakest link in the Dragon Bowl. It's gross, slimey, white, and unhealthy. I don't care how you substitute, but if it somehow involves getting rid of the tofu, you're okay in my book.

You want extra rice instead of tofu? Not a decision I would make, but sure, that's cool. No tofu, extra seaweed? Impressive. You obviously don't care anything about taste or being full. You're in it for health.

I feel the same way about the no tofu/extra seaweed people as I do about people who liked Kill Bill: Volume 2 better than Kill Bill: Volume 1. I'm really intrigued when people feel that way, and I really respect it, but I can't relate at all.

I'll put all my cards on the table right now. If someone made me buy a Dragon Bowl at gunpoint, I would substitute tempeh for tofu. Yet with a heavy heart; I would kick myself for being too weak for extra seaweed.

I've seen a lot of substitutions in my day, some good, some bad, but all highly telling.

One customer regularly gets the simple salad, no seaweed. Since seaweed is the smallest item and simple salad is the biggest, that shows he's greedy.

Another guy gets millet no rice every time. That shows that he doesn't care about trying to act cool or be with the in crowd. He wants the most despised, mocked food we serve, because he likes it and that's all that matters. I may be a tempeh no tofu sort of a character, but it's the millet people I respect the most.

When Rachel visited me in New York, her favorite thing from Angelica - of all the insane stuff I brought home - was the millet. That made me love her even more.

So last night, I was anxious. What if Parker Posey somehow made a substitution that was even more endearing than Rachel's adorable millet infacution? Parker Posey would have proven herself my one true love, and I'd have to start my entire life over from scratch... with Parker Posey at its center.

So you can just imagine my surprise (and relief) when I saw what Parker Posey's substitution was.

"Hold the rice," the Queen of the Indies demanded. "Extra TOFU."

HOLY FLIPPING SHIT!!!! Almost the worst possible substitution!!! The only bad thing in the Dragon Bowl, and Parker Posey wanted more of it!!

If it had been Rachel, she would have got "millet, no tofu." And that's why she's my baby, and always will be.

Against my will, I made Parker Posey's Dragon Bowl and took it to the Juice Bar. I was going to crack a lame joke like annoucing, "Extra rice no tofu," just to get Parker Posey's attention, maybe get some sort of nervous titter out of her, or at the very least start an awkward conversation.

"Wait... I ordered no rice extra tofu," she would have said. "Oh, I was only joking," I would have said. "Oh," she would have said. "Here," I would have concluded.

But you know what, at that point, I didn't care. Parker Posey, you're now written off completely in my book. And not just because you didn't tip. You were given one chance to reveal the depths of your soul and remove the weakest link. And you doubled the weakest link. That makes you the weakest link.

Fuck you, Parker Posey, and your estrogen-starved Full-Dragon scarfing pie hole! Get the hell out of my face and go get stoned in a cheap Indie movie, you Hollywood-blacklisted tofu-obsessed vegan pig!! You're a soulless phony to the very core and your substitution proved it!!!

At least one good thing came out of this distasteful encounter. Now I know I can give Rachel my loving heart fully, completely and unreservedly, with no if ands or buts. Parker Posey's out of the picture, baby. It's you and me together... forever.

Comments

[Christy Morgan]

You are so funny! I really wish we could have been closer friends while you lived here in Austin. Thanks for entertaining me! I hope I can come eat at your restaurant someday.

Christy(from The Natural Epicurean)

[R's evil stepmama]

Well, of COURSE Rachel beats out Parker Posey each and every time, in every category! Even without the double tofu!

I mean, look at PP's stunningly and terrifyingly convincing portrayal of the spoiled dog owner in Best in Show... I'll bet dollars to vegan donuts that wasn't all acting.

By the way--great photos of you two!

[zeebah]

well, now i know the possibilities for next time! but oh the nerve-wracking that will go into my selection!

[moira]

Wow, that was quite entertaining; better than Napoleon Dynamite, which in my opinion would have been a great short but should never have gotten the green light as a full length feature. Hopefully this feedback from a complete stranger will help you acheive your goal of beating Jeremy Coon.

[mando]

you, sir, are an amazing writer. you are my new blogging god. i would much rather read this post over and over again than every see napoleon dynamite (which to this day i have still not seen).

[sally]

That's seriously the funniest thing I've read in a long time.

[Emily]

Gawker??? Who let Gawker know about our little baby unicorn Rhys? Hmmm? We will always keep you. We will keep you forever, no matter how many of them there are. Hmmm..

[vanessa]

that was awesome.
the photoshopped photos of the dragon bowl were a great touch.
sitting in my grammercy apartment and thinking of ordering dinner from angelica's kitchen.

[brazos]

Rhys you have done It!
Napolean Dynamite-
Jeremy Coon is lost.

[Dad]

Knowing that tofu has estrogen in it makes me think that extra tofu might make a lovely women even more feminine! Not a bad thing.

[Kevin Taylor]

Rhys! We're both living in NYC now. Woah. I don't even know how I came across this site of yours, but I'm glad I did - it's hilarious. I also had the pleasure of meeting Parker Posey in Austin, when I was covering the "Dazed and Confused" cast reunion. Talk to you later, dude.

[Elisabeth]

You forgot, Rhys, that Suburbia was a horrible, horrible film. Everyone in there was utterly contemptible, so how could you ever love Parker Posey?

[Eric]

Wow. That was actually really entertaining. Glad I stumbled on to it.

[nickles]

I really hope you do beat Jeremy Coon. And, for what it's worth, I think you already have... brilliant site.
I love Parker Posey, I love this article (is "article" appropriate?) and I love the Wee Dragon. But I will never again step foot into Angelika without worrying that someone in the back is deconstructing my personality based on my order.

[labatterie]

You forgot, Rhys, that Suburbia was a horrible, horrible film.

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