Beat Jeremy Coon

I graduated from Berkner High School in 1997. So did Jeremy Coon. I went on to co-write a musical that all my friends in Austin saw. Jeremy Coon went on to produce Napoleon Dynamite. Our high school reunion is in two years. I know I'm better than Jeremy Coon. But in two years, I have to prove it. I have to beat Jeremy Coon.

Me


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  • mrsouth at gmail dot com

What I've Got So Far

  • Who is Jim Holt?
  • The Adventures of Arthur Conan Doyle
  • Sean Connery Golf Project
  • Interviewing Christopher Hitchens
  • The World Star Gazette
  • First Place in FreedomAds
  • I was on Siskel & Ebert
  • I Met Brad Pitt
  • My Name is Rare
  • A Scholarship and Ebert's Confidence

I'm Not Fighting Alone

  • Idea Province
  • The Socialite Artiste
  • John Philips
  • Celibate in the City
  • Julian Sanchez
  • No Oscar Nominations for Jeremy Coon
  • Roger Ebert
  • Michael Bluejay
  • Duncan Gilman
  • The Stalwart
  • Emily Deprang
  • Liberteaser

Counter


Categories

  • Climbing the Ladder to Success
  • Disappointment and Failure
  • Eye on the Media
  • Family & Friends
  • Jared Hess
  • Jeremy Coon
  • Jeremy Coon Interviews
  • Life of a Working Boy
  • Misc. Non-Jeremy Coon Entries
  • Mormonism and Other Religions
  • New York City
  • Photo Entries

Jeremy Coon on Jeremy Coon

Jeremy Coon is the guy I was trying to beat all this time. If I'd interviewed him for the first entry, maybe I could have used those insights to increase my chances. Instead, I interviewed him for the last entry.

Even before I started this blog, I was waking up to the reality that I wasn't really accomplishing everything I wanted. My first realization came in the Summer of 2004 when I met Roger Ebert in person for the first time. I had been email buddies with him starting in high school, when he gave a nice write-up to a web site about movie production that I helped make to win a scholarship contest. I was also on his TV segment "The Viewer's Thumb," and had contributed a few cliches to his movie cliche handbook.

Essentially, we were best friends. I was going to a wedding in Chicago that summer, so I asked Ebert if we could meet up. He said we could, and I got to watch "Sleepover" with him, his wife, and Roeper. Afterward Ebert asked what I was up to. I told him that I'd co-written and co-directed a musical in Austin and was, um, working at a restaurant. "I thought you'd be a movie producer by now," he said. "Well, yeah, I'm kind of writing stuff," I stammered. "You're behind schedule," Ebert boomed.

Ebert took me out for a falafel sandwich and a broccoli/pear/lemon juice ("I'll just have to imagine it," he demurred when I offered him a sip of the juice) and I saved the plastic spoon that the deli had needlessly given me with the sandwich. I forgot to get my photo taken with Ebert, but I did at least take a photo of the drink and sandwich, sans spoon.

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When I got back to Austin, I put the plastic spoon above my desk to remind myself that even Ebert knew I was behind schedule. After a day, I stopped thinking about the spoon, and after a few weeks, I'd lost it. Of course I was no closer to my goal, which meant that every morning I woke up, I was one more day behind schedule. 

A couple of months after I met with Ebert, Napoleon Dynamite came out. I knew Jeremy Coon had produced it, but that didn't mean much to me until I actually saw it. I got a little misty eyed when I saw Jeremy Coon's name on a Lemonheads box in the beginning, but ultimately the movie - like Ebert - was another reminder that I was doing something wrong. This hit more of a nerve, though. This wasn't someone saying that generally a man in my position should be further ahead. This was someone who started off at the same place as me being wildly successful in the same industry I was aiming for when I'd barely taken a first step. Any illusion I harbored that biding my time was the proper strategy was totally shattered. As Napoleon Dynamite might have said in an earlier draft: "Curses!"

Jeremy Coon became my new plastic spoon. A plastic spoon I couldn't lose.

I started thinking about our approaching high school reunion, which seemed like it would prove to be yet another horrible reminder of my lack of achievement... unless I turned things around. Since I apparently needed some kind of external motivation to get me going, I made Jeremy Coon my enemy and arch rival, hoping this would give me the focus I'd been lacking.

When I look back on the two and a half years in which I maintained this blog (some weeks more loyally than others), it's curious how little I did that was actually a real contribution to beating Jeremy Coon. I basically acted as I would normally have acted. I moved to New York, got a bunch of random jobs, and did some traveling and some writing on the side, always regretful that I wasn't writing more. I did write a feature length screenplay in this time, which I think is a very good script, even though I still re-write it now and again. But I don't know how marketable it is. My brother sent it to a script reading service, and their overall response was that technically there is nothing wrong with the script, except that there is no potential audience for it.

It seems obvious to me now what I should have done. I should have written and directed a short relatively quickly, and then I should have written a screenplay that was much less complicated than the script I ended up writing (which essentially took three years, if you count all the gestating time - a good two years). This occurs to me because I currently had an idea for a movie that isn't as ambitious as the one I just wrote, but it's funny enough, and the outline basically has been writing itself.

It's too late to have the most impressive career at my 10 year high school reunion. But as I found out at the reunion, that didn't really matter. That reunion was just another reminder that I have goals that I haven't been achieving, and if I want to have the most fulfilling possible life, it would be wise to get on them. I've also learned it's possible that artificial exterior motivations are more distracting than focusing.

But I've been blogging about myself for years. What about Jeremy Coon, the mysterious figure that I used to put a face on my unsatisfied ambitions? Who is he, really? How did he feel about all this? Did I actually beat him? Now it's time for Jeremy Coon to have his say.

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Beat Jeremy Coon: Did you figure out I would eventually want to interview you for this blog?

Jeremy Coon: Yep, but any idiot could figure that out.  The climax would be the two of us meeting together eventually, and I'm sure there are literally almost a dozen people who are anxiously waiting to hear what I have to say.

BJC: Judging by the site meter, it might even be a baker's dozen. So, let's get into it. Weren't you on America's Funniest Home Videos for falling off a slide?

JC: Yeah, we won it when I was in 7th grade.  It was a video of me when I was around 3 and I hit my head on the giant monster slide at Huffines Park over by Apollo [Jr. High].  I wonder if that park is even still there? I guess it made me kind of a celebrity in 7th grade, but the part that sucked was that our episode was never actually filmed, as far as I know.  They flew us out to LA (which was my first time there) and they had technical difficulties on the stage (we were told a small electrical fire) so we were never there for the taping.  I'm sure some people thought I was making it up bc we weren't on the show, but we still got a video camera, $5000, and a free trip to LA for the family.

BJC: *I* believe you that it really happened. Besides that you produced Napoleon Dynamite, which most Beat Jeremy Coon readers probably know, tell me about yourself. Where were you born, how was your childhood, how do you enjoy life? That sort of thing.

JC: Man, I really don't want to answer this, but here it goes.  I was born in Dallas, TX and my childhood was pretty ideal. Richardson was a nice upper middle class neighborhood, which is about as generic as any place any one could grow up in.  I think you explained it best in one of your early entries where it's a nice place to grow up, but it doesn't influence or effect you much.  It's weird. Anyways, I was a fat kid and then thinned out around 10 or 11th grade. I loved being a class clown and making smart ass remarks in class, which continues now in business school.  I love movies, skiing and snowboarding, going to concerts, volleyball, tennis, and traveling. Check out my myspace page for more.

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BJC: Have you always been interested in movies? I had no idea you wanted to be a filmmaker, which made Napoleon Dynamite all the more startling.

JC: I've been a huge film buff since I was about 7, when my dad took me to see Aliens in the theater.  Originally as a kid I wanted to be a film critic and Roger Ebert was my idol.  I got his new book of reviews every X-mas.  I didn't really get into actual filmmaking until my freshman year of college when I had a lot of equipment and friends to make films with.

BJC: I read an interview with Wes Anderson in which he said his film critic idol was Pauline Kael; she'd retired by the time he was making movies, but he set up a private screening of "Rushmore" for her, just to see what the legend thought of his masterwork. Even though Rushmore got decent reviews overall (besides that two thumbs down from Siskel & Ebert), that was little consolation to Wes Anderson when he asked Pauline Kael what she thought, and she said she didn't know what to make of it. How did you feel when Napoleon Dynamite got mostly good reviews and was a hit with audiences, but Ebert didn't like it?

JC: I was kind of disappointed that Ebert didn't like ND, but what are you going to do.  I wasn't devastated or anything, but it sucks when someone you've looked up to since you were a kid totally poops on something you've done.

BJC: What are some of your all-time favorite movies?

JC: My three personal favorites are The Wild Bunch, Blazing Saddles, and Aliens.

BJC: Did you like high school?

JC: I loved high school.  It was basically all fun and very little work. Good times.

BJC: If you had kids, would you go out of your way to send them to Berkner? Or do you think there are better schools?

JC: I would go out of my way to make sure my kids didn't go to Berkner now.  It was a great school when my older brothers went there and it was still good when we were there, but I could tell the school was starting to slide around our senior year.  A friend of mine currently teaches there and was telling me stories about monthly gang wars, which sounded crazy.  She told me that SWAT has even had to come in with guns drawn once.  It's sad, but I think almost all public schools in this country are being neglected and are failing at providing a decent education, much less an exceptional one.

BJC: Earlier in the life of this blog, I would ask everyone I interviewed if they knew Bonnie Coover and if she'd said anything about me, since she was the first girl I "went with." Eventually I stopped asking that, but since you were close friends with her at some point, I thought I'd resurrect it for this final interview. Did Bonnie Coover ever say anything about me? She never said why she dumped me, but I later theorized it was because I was too prude (at the time).

JC: When did you and Bonnie date exactly? 

BJC: Seventh grade. For almost a month.

JC: I really don't remember that. I didn't become really good friends with her until around 9th grade and was good friends with her through after high school, so I'm guessing it was before that.  Either way, I don't recall ever talking with her about you, so unfortunately I can't offer any insight. Bonnie was one of the people I was hoping would show up at the reunion, bc I've lost contact with her over the last few years.  So Bonnie, if you happen to read this, hit me up with an update.

BJC: Even before Napoleon Dynamite, something else helped pave the way for this blog. In 2002 or 2003, I believe, my girlfriend at the time visited her brother in Provo, who was coincidentally roommates with you. I came up in a conversation between you and her, and she said you said something to the effect of, "That guy was so weird in high school, he was an untouchable even to me." That comment, or at least her version of it, planted the seed of "Grr, Jeremy Coon!" in my mind. When Napoleon Dynamite came out, my first reaction was, "Wow, Jeremy Coon pulled it off!" and then I remembered the untouchable comment and thought, "I gotta beat this guy!" I admit, the half-mustache/half-goatee I had in high school was a bad idea. Was I an untouchable, though?

JC: I'm glad you brought this up, bc I feel I had to be misquoted. I have no doubt that I said the first part (sorry), but the second part about being untouchable doesn't sound like anything I would ever say. I'm not even sure what it means.  It sounds like a bad, cheesy line from a movie.  I seriously doubt anyone at Berkner was untouchable, so no I don't think you were untouchable.

BJC: Had you been thinking much about the Berkner reunion before I brought up the issue?

JC: I had thought about it as much as anyone does about their reunion, but you definitely made it more interesting, and I had to go.

BJC: Were you more flattered, disturbed or scared when you found out about "Beat Jeremy Coon"?

JC: To be honest, it was probably a combination of pissed off and a little weirded out at first. Later on when the blog became more lighthearted, I was more flattered.

BJC: How did you find out about it?

JC: We were in Portland shooting Sasquatch (so it was summer of 2005) and I was Googling myself to find an article someone wanted to see.  I was scanning over the search results and I saw this "Beat Jeremy Coon" headline.  My initial reaction was that it was weird that there someone else with the same name as me and then I read the summary of the site under the heading and it said something like "Jeremy Coon is my arch nemesis and I must defeat him" or something to that extent and something about Richardson and Berkner.  I clicked on it and found out it was you doing the site.

BJC: What did Jon Heder think of all this?

JC: He just thought it was really bizarre and funny when I first told him about it 2 years ago.  We never really talked about it that much other than an occasional comment here and there.

BJC: What was your favorite Beat Jeremy Coon entry?

JC: I'm not sure I can really answer this.  It's weird and narcissistic to read what people think of you, especially when nearly all of the people you interviewed never really knew me.  I had no idea Hilary Bryant even graduated with us.  I thought she moved away in jr. high.  The only person you interviewed that I was ever actually friends with was Nick Stevens, but he fell off the map after 10th grade and was rarely seen or heard from after that.  His memory seems sketchy at best.  This is the same guy that was a huge Dungeons and Dragons freak.  However, it's interesting to hear people's unfiltered thoughts about you.

BJC: Nick Stevens did and does play Dungeons and Dragons, but trust me, he elevated it to a respectable art form. Once you found out about BJC, did you check it a lot? Did your family read it?

JC: Again, not to sound too narcissistic, but I did check it somewhat regularly, but who wouldn't if there was a similar site about themselves?  Like once a week or so.  As for my family, I know my parents knew about the site, as well as a lot of friends.  BTW - Did you know that BJC was in the fun facts about ND in Premiere magazine a year or so ago?

BJC: I didn't know that. I need to renew my subscription! Were you ever worried I would take this rivalry too far?

JC: I wasn't ever worried really.  I didn't think you'd be the type to do anything psycho and I was on the other side of the country.  I also thought you had some issues from the Sean Connery Golf Experiment that didn't allow you to be in California.  BTW - Did you ever get that cleared up? 

BJC: Supposedly there was a warrant for my arrest, but that could have been a lie. I've been to L.A. twice since then. I didn't have any run-ins with the law, so I couldn't say if the warrant is real or not. Sara, unfortunately, got 400 hour of community service and a $500 fine when she pled guilty. She now very reasonably hates anything to do with Sean Connery Golf Project.

JC: I remember seeing SCGE at a film festival in Dallas (maybe the USA FIlm Fest) like 8-9 years ago and being like, hey, I went to school with that guy.  I liked the film, but all I could think of were the legal implications, and then I saw something on Extra or Inside Edition about it a year later so you had notoriety well before I had any.

BJC: You saw Sean Connery Golf Project and Celebrity Justice? So then was Napoleon Dynamite an attempt to "Beat Rhys Southan"? What a paradox I created for myself! I feel like Bruce Willis in 12 Monkeys when he's afraid that in the process of going back in time to stop the virus that wipes out humanity, he accidentally gave Brad Pitt the idea to create that very virus, thus being responsible for his own destruction. Please tell me there's at least a slim chance you would have produced Napoleon Dynamite even without Sean Connery Golf Project lighting a fire under you.

JC: Don't worry, I feel confident that I would have produced ND even without SCGP to fuel my ambition.

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BJC: Who is your Jeremy Coon?

JC: This is lame, but I really have never had someone I've really wanted to beat in general.  I'm very competitive, but it's always been temporary and in some narrowly defined field like a sport or game.

BJC: Did you think it would be awkward at the reunion because of the blog?

JC: Not really, bc aren't all reunions supposed to be awkward?  I really had no idea what to expect, but I knew it couldn't be that bad. I never told you what I thought about doing when I first found out about this site.  I was initially pissed bc I felt that you were trashing Mormons and Jared and it was pretty mean spirited.  I was going to contact a well known documentarian that I had become friends with on the festival circuit and have him contact you about making a documentary about your goal to beat me.  His company would pay for and own the doc, but you wouldn't know that I was the real investor and owner of the doc that you were making.  I would avoid any contact to give an interview (much like Roger in Roger and Me) and the film's climax would be at the reunion where I would reveal that the film you had been making for two years was owned and controlled by me. 

It would have been an interesting idea if it actually ended up working out (which would have been no small feat), but I thought it was too unrealistic and more importantly mean.  I'd look like a complete jerk no matter how the film turned out, but again it would have been interesting experiment.

BJC: Oh, man, that would have been insane. The aloof "villain" of the movie actually being the movie's mastermind, and the joke being on the movie's supposed hero? I'm laughing just thinking about the interviews the director would have secretly done with you, me totally oblivious as you gleefully mock my every step. Maybe I wouldn't love it so much if that actually happened. I'm glad you eventually came around on the blog. Do you remember when you started to not be so pissed off about it?

JC: I think there was an entry where you talked about me being anti-Israel and being the cause of unrest in the Middle East.  It was around that time that it became clear (at least to me) that this was tongue-in-check and was funny.

BJC: Don't forget, I also called you out for not doing more to help the victims of Katrina. Even though you're not pissed off about the blog anymore, do you wish it were lower down in the results for a Google search for your name? Last I checked, it was number two.

JC: It doesn't really bother me.  It's always funny when I have a meeting or I've met or gone on a date with someone new - since it's common now to Google someone - and it's an interesting topic of conversation. They're always, "do you know there's this weird website about you..."

BJC: For a while, the first entry that came up with a search for "Jeremy Coon" was the article on Apple.com about how you used Final Cut Pro for Napoleon Dynamite. Do you still use Final Cut Pro?

JC: Yes, I definitely still use FCP.  FCP is affordable and awesome. Oddly enough, I was actually using it today for a video I'm making for a class presentation.  I'm planning on focusing more on producing so I'll be editing a lot less.  As much as I love editing, it's just really hard work and when I'm editing, that's all I can focus on. When I'm producing, I can juggle a bunch of different things and have more of a life.

BJC: On IMDB, it says you were an editor for "Head Cheerleader, Dead Cheerleader" in 2000. Is that true?

JC: I went to a 6 week Avid editing training course in Portland, OR in 2000.  It was an awesome school where you train and learn the editing system for the first 3 weeks and then the final 3 weeks you work with an independent filmmaker and actually edit their film.  The directors usually didn't have enough money to edit the film so they got an edited movie for free and each of the students got to work on a real film and get their first credit.  If I remember right, there were 6 people per session and the film was divided up among all of us in sections.  My section was the first 20 mins.

You had no idea what film or even kind of film you'd be editing when you signed up.  The session before us had Marc Forster's first film, but we were lucky enough to get Head Cheerleader, Dead Cheerleader. Despite the less than Oscarworthy film, I learned a ton about editing and working with a director at that school and it was a great experience.

BJC: I wrote an entry in which I proposed some cybersquats I could do, like Jeremycoonproductions.com. Not long after I wrote that entry, someone bought those domains. Was it you?

JC: Alright, I'll come clean and say it was me.  I thought it would be funny to buy them and see if you were serious about getting the domains.

BJC: Did you ever secretly write a comment on Beat Jeremy Coon? There was one time I was pretty sure a comment was written by you, but I asked a few people what they thought, and they thought I was crazy.

JC: What comment was it?  I can guarantee you that I never posted a comment on the site and was simply an observer.

BJC: I can't remember much about the comment, other than that it was mean, and it said something like "I'll probably regret writing this later." It was the regretting writing it later part that made me consider it might be you. Here's my last "was it you?" In the Wikipedia entry of Jeremy Coon, at one point it said something about "his classmate Rhys Southan is chronicling his efforts to beat Jeremy Coon on a blog" or something like that. And then later, I noticed someone had added "pathetic" in front of "efforts". Did you make that edit? Or was it a Jeremy Coon fan?

JC: Again, I have had nothing to do with my Wikipedia entry, but I am curious who made the edit.  So anyone reading this, feel free to own up to it.

BJC: The night before the reunion, I was thinking of writing you a MySpace message to try to ease the tension. I went to your profile and I saw that you were online. I imagined that you saw that I was online too, and that we were in a MySpace stand-off, looking at each other's profiles with the "online" flashing, waiting to see who would make the first move. Then I chickened out and signed off. Were you a part of this virtual duel as well, or was it totally one-sided?

JC: Sorry, but I wasn't on the other end of the duel, despite being on Myspace.  However, if we were making a movie about this, that would totally be a scene we'd have to throw in.

BJC: Artistic license would all but demand that. How was our climactic meeting at the reunion?

JC: It was a little strange at first, but once we started talking, it was fine.

BJC: After going to our reunion, do you think you were actually the one to beat there?

JC: I guess.  It totally depends on someone's perspective, and everyone is different.  I'd say yes mainly bc making films is higher profile and more interesting to most people than other jobs.  I think a fair amount of people either saw the movie or somehow found out via the media or friends.  I'm sure there's someone from our class that's made more money or done something better, but it's just not as widely known.

BJC: Will you go to Berkner's 20 year High School Reunion?

JC: When we were driving back from the reunion a few weeks ago, I said that I didn't think I'd be back for the 20th.  The reunion was fun and all, and it was great seeing everyone and getting updates, but it just seemed a little forced and weird (as I assume all high school reunions are).  My main complaint was that a number of the people I would have loved to reconnect with didn't show up.  We'll see what my attitude is in another 10 years.

BJC: What did you think of Berknerites 10 years later? Had they accomplished what they wanted to accomplish? Were there any runners-up for beating you? I observed that a lot of people were fairly successful, but still not doing exactly what they wanted to be doing.

JC: The most surprising thing to me about the reunion was how apathetic I felt overall about it.  Again, I really liked high school, so it wasn't like I had any revenge motive to show people what I made of myself or anything.  I was happy to see a lot of people, but as I wrote earlier, a lot of the people I was most excited to see and catch up with weren't there.  So that kind of bummed me out. Overall, I think our class did ok.  There were a couple of people that seemed to be doing exceptionally well and a few doing exceptionally poor or lame, and everyone else was somewhere in the middle.  Like you said, doing well, but not exactly fulfilling their dreams.

BJC: Do you ever watch Supernatural, starring our fellow Berknerite Jensen Ackles? I was skeptical of the show at first, but grew to love it.

JC: I've never watched a full episode.  When it was first on, I checked out part of an episode and realized it's really not my kind of thing. Congrats to him for scoring the lead on a TV show, though.

BJC: At the reunion, you mentioned that you've temporarily quit the movie business to go back to BYU for your MBA. What made you decide to do that?

JC: In a few words, I was bored.  I love LA and working as a producer, but after living there for over five years, I felt that I was being sucked in to the typical Hollywood cliche mindset and needed a change of pace.  It's easy for the town to warp your sense of reality, and if you've got a lot of free time on your hands, it could be a bad thing. Also, I've wanted to get my MBA since I was a kid and I felt strongly that if I didn't get it now, I wasn't ever going to get it; and I think what I'll learn with the degree will really help me get to the next level in my producing career.

It just felt like the right thing to do and if it wasn't, I could always drop out of school and move back to LA.  It's only an 18 month break at the most.  I had a feeling that nothing was going to get greenlighted within the next year bc the budgets were bigger on the projects I wanted to do, which makes it a much longer process.  I also didn't want to be hanging around not doing much like everyone else in LA, waiting for their film to get the go ahead.  In light of recent events with the WGA strike (and the DGA and SAG strikes potentially to follow next summer), it might have been a really good call to go back to school.

BJC: I presume the Writer's Guild strike has little effect in Provo?

JC: Yeah, the picketing groups are really small.  Seriously, assuming the strike goes on for a while, it makes me feel better being in school bc I know I'm not missing much.

BJC: Do you think the WGA writers are correct to strike?

JC: I think both sides are being childish about it, but ultimately I think the WGA overplayed their hand and it's going to come back and bite them.  The WGA's tactics and attitude seem really uncooperative, but that may just be the reporting.  I would have threatened more with a strike without actually striking.  Not sure if that makes sense, but let's say someone has a hostage and then shoots the hostage.  Once they shoot the hostage, they really don't have that much leverage in negotiating.  To me actually striking is like shooting the hostage, bc it can't get any worse from there, and the studios are probably willing to wait it out.  The writers have a valid complaint and should probably get more residuals, but I think the whole system needs to be revamped.  My vote is that residuals should be paid only if the film is profitable and then they should get a bigger share, but I doubt anything like that will ever happen.

A lot of people have no idea how much it costs to make and release a film these days.  It's crazy and it gets unnecessarily worse every year.  I remember an interview I agreed to do on a local sports radio station in Dallas a few years ago and one of the guys was very interested in how much money I made off of ND.  He was like "so the movie made about $45 mil and cost about $400K so you've got something like $44 mil, right?  What's that like?"

This is an extreme example, but the guilds think the same way.  They are only interested in grosses and not profits, which as films get more and more expensive to make it's getting less and less. Anyways, I could go on more, but back to your question, I think the writers are correct to strike, but I would have handled it a little different.

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BJC: Do you ever feel trapped in by the mountains there? When I visited the campus, I kind of felt that at night. Otherwise, I found it extremely pleasant.

JC: I don't feel trapped bc of the mountains, because I like them.  I do feel trapped bc of "The Bubble" they talk about here in Happy Valley.  Provo has a very different speed of life and thought that I don't like.  There's a lot of ignorance, like any college town. It's a tight race between Provo and College Station as the most ignorant.  It's good to get a break and go up to Salt Lake City, which actually isn't that bad.  It's no LA or NYC, but it's fairly metropolitan for being in the midwest.

BJC: It's too bad you're not actually allowed swim in The Great Salt Lake anymore. If it weren't so polluted, it could be the Dead Sea of the midwest. I was hoping to do a little floating on my trip to SLC before I found out the bad news. It is a good town, though. But Provo at least has that Malt Shoppe. Anyway, now that you're back at BYU, do you get a lot of glory for being one of BYU's most successful recent alums?

JC: A little here and there.  Sometimes it's cool and other times it's lame and annoying.  Whether you believe this or not, I'm usually fairly quiet about what I do.  During MBA orientation two months ago, I had just met someone and was talking with them about the caliber of incoming class.  He excitedly said, "Do you know that the producer of Napoleon Dynamite is supposedly one of the new students, too?"  I said, "Yeah, but I heard he's a real jerk" and just had some fun with the conversation.

There's sometime really uncomfortable to me about people you've never met already having a preconceived notion of who you are.  You just have to make sure that people are friends with you for the right reasons and not just what you can do for them or whatever.  That's why I prefer people finding out that I produced ND after I get to know them at least for a bit so nothing like that can happen.  Maybe I'm overly paranoid and silly, but oh well.

BJC: What do you know about your old roommate Mike getting kicked out of BYU? Do you have another side to the story?

JC: Glad you brought this up, because Mike's side of the story is way off.  First of all, I had very little (if anything) to do with him getting kicked out of BYU.  An ex-girlfriend of his reported him and my involvement was that I agreed if I was asked by the school about the situation that I would tell the truth.  That was it.  I was never asked, so I really had nothing to do with it. Mike was sharing a room with a mutual friend of ours in the apartment we rented.  Mike was dating a girl that would spend the night every night and they would make out in his bed.  Obviously this is really lame given that he was sharing a room with our friend who was 6 feet away.  When we brought it up to him, he basically told us to screw off and he was going to do what he wanted.  Mike was one of the worst roommates any of us ever had.  He was messy, rude, and inconsiderate at the time.  That said, I didn't care enough to get Mike kicked out of school back then, and I wish him the best now.

BJC: Another one of your classmates from BYU, Josh, said he was with you when you drove your car into a creek there. He said you both could have drowned, and when you got the car out, an older guy was trying to help, and got sludge in his face from the exhaust pipe while you were hitting the gas. When I visited BYU, Josh showed me where the creek used to be, which was then covered up. Were you sad to see that the site of such a pivotal moment for you was gone?

JC: For him to say that we could have drowned is totally ridiculous.  At best there was maybe 1-2 feet of water in that creek, if that. 

BJC: It did look pretty small.

JC: The story is after the accident, a large crowd had gathered (maybe 20 people) and we and some university police had called a tow truck to tow the car out of the creek.  He got the car out of creek and I went to see if the car would start.  It wouldn't, but the cop told me to step on the gas to clear the tailpipes, which I did.  After that, I saw all of the cops and most of the crowd laughing and it was then that I noticed that I had sprayed the tow truck guy with mud and duck crap. I felt bad, but it's still funny.  Had the situation been reversed and I'd been sprayed, it may not have been funny to me at the time, but it would be hilarious later on.  I ended up tipping him like $50 and thanked him for his help.

It really wasn't that much of a pivotal moment for me.  It's more of an amusing anecdote.  The biggest lesson I learned was that there's a such thing as "black ice."  I grew up in Texas my whole life and didn't know there was such a thing as ice that you can't really see, except in patches.  I lost control going around a bend in the road on campus and the car just kept going straight.  Anyways, it looks and smells much better to have the creek filled in now on campus, so I'm not sad.

BJC: In either high school or middle school, I seem to remember you dressing somewhat goth-ish, or at least in a lot of black. I didn't know you that well, and assumed you were a metal kid. Later, when I found out you were LDS and going to BYU, I was surprised, since the black overcoats didn't particularly fit the squeaky-clean LDS stereotype. Were you openly Mormon back then?

JC: I won't say I was ever gothic, but I did hang around with that kind of crowd a lot of the time bc they were fun and nice people and I dig the music.  I was actively Mormon the whole time I was growing up, but it really didn't mean much to me at the time, and I never made a big deal about it.  I was mainly Mormon then by default bc my family was Mormon.  It wasn't until I was around 20 that being a Mormon became really important to me.  I'm sure everyone goes through a similar thing growing up, be it religion or something else.

Also, there were only like 6 Mormons or so at Berkner and being the Bible Belt, Mormons are completely misunderstood due to ignorance.  I can't remember which church did the whole Young Life thing, but I remember talking to someone from that church or another one like it where they regularly held "cult week" where the focused on "evil" religions. The religions they targeted as "cults" were Jewish, Muslim, Islam, Mormons, etc.  It was basically every other church other than theirs, which now that I'm older seems so ridiculous, but at the time I was scared that I would be ostracized if people knew I was Mormon. Looking back it seems so stupid, but that's high school.

BJC: Did being LDS affect people's perception of you in L.A.?

JC: I guess on some level, but it's never been an issue and it's generally been very positive.  Most people are curious, but have ridiculous misconceptions about Mormons that I'm happy to talk with them about and make sure they know the truth about us.  Mormons are just normal folks trying to do what they think is right.  For some reason, we're often confused with the Amish.  The biggest deal is that I don't drink and people wonder why.  Most assume if you don't drink, it's because you're an alcoholic and you've just come out of rehab. 

My religion is just part of who I am.  Granted it's a large part, but there's a lot of different aspects that make up someone's personality. Just bc someone's gay or Catholic doesn't mean you know everything about that person or can sum them up.  There are a lot of different kinds of people who are Mormon, just like any group.  People in LA have always been respectful, at least to my face.  LA is a very accepting place believe it or not.  It's so diverse that it kind of has to be that way.

BJC: Before Napoleon Dynamite, did you ever think of going the "Mormon Movie" route? You know, the Single's Ward, RM, God's Army type stuff.

JC: We specifically set out to avoid making a typical "Mormon Movie" because we didn't want to only target a small niche market.  Singles Ward had just come out, and Jared and I were talking and both of us agreed that we did not want to do anything like that.  I respect the fact that they helped create a new market, but I personally don't care much for the Mormon movies simply bc the quality of the films is pretty low generally speaking, and I don't like the way they portray Mormon culture.  I would love to support and even make a Mormon film some day, but so far there hasn't been a film that's good enough.

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BJC: What is your favorite Mormon movie?

JC: Wow, that's a hard one.  I'm inclined to say none, but that would be boring.  Of the bunch, I thought that Charly and Pride and Prejudice (the Mormon update) were the most watchable of the bunch.

BJC: For people who know a little about Mormonism, Napoleon Dynamite seemed like a secret Mormon movie. The characters were all in Idaho, and no one said a swear word or did anything especially heretical. For those interested in LDS culture, the impression was that these characters were Mormon, even though no one ever mentioned anything about religion. Since all the filmmakers were LDS, that would seem to make sense. And then you produced American Fork, which I haven't seen yet, but is named after a town in Utah. Will your future projects be vaguely LDS like this, not LDS at all, or will some even be more overtly LDS-themed?

JC: Obviously the characters in ND are influenced by Mormon traits simply because they are largely based on various people that Jared knew growing up.  He lived for a number of years in Preston, ID which is a predominately Mormon community and you write what you know.  I personally believe that most of the characters in ND are Mormon to some degree, but it's not really pertinent to the story which is why it's not blatantly stated.  We're not shying away or hiding our religion just to make it more commercial.  It would seem heavy handed and unnecessary to make a bigger issue of the characters' religion and would negatively impact the film as a whole. 

Most films don't focus on the religion of their characters unless it's important to the story. Fiddler on the Roof has a bunch of Jewish characters, but they don't constantly remind us that they're Jewish with inside jokes.  If someone asked me if I wanted to see a Jewish play, I'd be inclined to say no, bc I'm not Jewish.  It's unfortunate that we categorize media this way, bc you might mistakenly pass over something worthwhile.  Fiddler's themes are universal and even if you don't know much about the Jewish faith, you can still watch and enjoy it.  That's my goal with the films I like to make.  So my answer is I want to make whatever I feel is the best film, but I'm not purposely choosing one based on any agenda.

BJC: Oh, here's something I've always wondered about. Uncle Rico wears a crucifix in much of Napoleon Dynamite, which isn't something Mormons wear. Was this to subtly distance him from the other subtly LDS characters in the movie? My theory was he was kind of the "bad" character in the movie - not evil or anything, just relatively obsessed with breasts - and so Hess wanted to make sure people in-the-know would see he wasn't supposed to be LDS. Any truth to that?

JC: Uncle Rico is my favorite character in the film, so I have a hard time seeing him as the "bad" guy.  I never really thought much about that.  I don't think Jared meant the crucifix as a means of purposely separating Rico as being non-Mormon.  Now that you mention it, I could see how you could come to that conclusion, but it wasn't anything intentional on our part to imply that.  Rico just seemed like the kind of guy who would wear one.

BJC: So far, the three features you've produced have been fairly family-friendly (Napoleon Dynamite was PG, and I'm guessing that Sasquatch and American Fork would be too), but the movies you listed as your favorites are more risque. Could you see yourself ever producing an R-rated movie?

JC: Yeah, I could totally see myself making an R film if it's a good film and the content is warranted.  I really don't think about the ratings much.  My rule is if I wouldn't be embarrassed to have my name on the film and can I watch it with my parents, then it's something I can do, which leaves a lot of room. American Fork is much more adult and dramatic than either ND or Sasquatch.  I'd love to make a horror film someday.

BJC: You mentioned that an initial impression you had of the blog was that I was bashing Mormonism and Jared Hess. I definitely never intended to bash Mormonism - I just found it interesting and was probably over-obsessing about it. But I did write an entry jokingly calling out Jared Hess for Nacho Libre, which at that point was called "The Untitled Jack Black Project." This was during the peak of my research into LDS beliefs, and from what I was reading, it seemed that of all the major religions in the world, LDS Church founder Joseph Smith especially opposed Catholicism.

So when I saw that Jared Hess' new movie was a light comedy taking place in the world of priests and nuns, I felt obligated to express my supposed outrage that he was betraying his beliefs and selling out to Catholic Hollywood, instead of making a movie with LDS characters. Of course the rant was exaggerated and probably ill-informed. But is it at least potentially somewhat controversial for an LDS filmmaker to make a movie where the heroes are Catholics, even if religion is just a backdrop for the movie?

JC: At the time of the entry, I wasn't sure if you were trying to be funny or were actually insane and mean-spirited.  Sarcasm doesn't always come across well written.  I realized later on that you were just having fun, but at the time it felt serious, which was partially my fault.

I don't remember ever reading anywhere that Joseph Smith was especially opposed to Catholicism.  The Mormon Church has never had anything other than mutual respect for other religions in my experiences, despite that respect sometimes not being reciprocated back to us.  As far as religions, my feeling is as long as someone believes in something and is trying to do what they think is good, that's great.  There's good and bad people in every organization and just bc someone belongs to a particular church doesn't make them good or bad.

I don't think it's controversial for an LDS filmmaker to use Catholic characters any more than it would be for Spielberg to use non-Jewish characters.  Filmmakers tell stories and any film that has an agenda is usually bad.  It's the same thing about us not not making a big deal about the characters likely Mormon religion in ND.  It's not that important to the film.  In Nacho, him being Catholic is obviously important since he's a priest and sets the backdrop, but past that it's not a big deal.

BJC: Why hasn't Jared Hess directed anything since Nacho Libre?

JC: Nacho was only like a year and a half ago so it's not like that much time has gone by.  Jared could probably direct as many movies as he wants, so it's his decision not to direct more, but I can't imagine most directors doing a film much more often than every 2-3 years. There are some directors that can just jump from project to project quickly and not really be that invested in them (Brett Ratner springs to mind).  Jared needs to be very personally invested in each film and only wants to work on films he really believes in. I can't imagine him directing something he didn't at least play a large role in writing.  I really respect that about him and it also means he's probably going to have some time between films like plenty of other writer/directors.  Jared and his wife also have 2 kids and I know he's enjoying the down time with them and playing Halo 3.

BJC: How's your Napoleon Dynamite impression?

JC: Not any better than anyone else, but it's not hard to attempt to do one.

BJC: How does one produce a movie for the first time, with a first-time director and a cast of unknowns?

JC: This could either be a really short answer or a really long one. I'll go with brevity which is to just make your movie any way you can. We started making shorts which later prepared us to do a feature. There are really no rules.  I would just recommend building a solid team (hopefully of friends) and not just sit around waiting for the film to happen.  You need to be proactive or nothing will ever actually get done.  That'll mean cutting corners and making compromises, but even big budget films have to deal with that.  Some friends of mine last summer went down to Arizona and Mexico with a bare bones crew and shot a good little feature for like $15K and you have to respect that drive and determination.

BJC: What happens to people who produce a movie before getting a decent amount of short film experience? Is that sheer folly?

JC: I wouldn't recommend it, but it doesn't mean it can't work out. It's likely that someone will get in over their head jumping straight into making a feature.  I'd much rather make my mistakes on a small film that doesn't really matter.  Mistakes on a feature are much more expensive and noticeable.  You have to start small and train for anything.  If you look at it as a marathon, most people wouldn't go from nothing to running a marathon the next day.  You'd start out running a few miles and build up from there by training.  I think filmmaking is the same thing.

BJC: To get a break in the movie industry, does it help to be entirely single-minded with no distractions?

JC: I think it's unhealthy to be completely single-minded on anything, but you do need to be focused and work smart.  Everyone needs to have balance in their life or you'll go crazy.

BJC: Trey Parker said that in his early 20s, he had a deadline for himself that if he weren't successful in the entertainment business by the time he was 28, he would give up and do something more practical with his life. He ended up beating his deadline by a year with Southpark. If I had his same deadline, however, I'd have given up seven months ago. Is there a point at which someone should abandon their filmmaking dreams?

JC: It's odd that you mention a deadline, bc I did basically the same thing and I think that's an important thing to do in any profession. I always thought of a successful career in film as kind of a dream (it's only slightly more realistic than a rockstar or professional sports player), bc so much is subject to luck and timing combined with hard work, and at the end of the day there's no real guarantee of fruits from those labors.  When I finished my undergrad degree, I gave myself 2 years to make it in the entertainment industry.  If I wasn't happy with where I was after that, I was going to go back to school and get my MBA.  Those 2 years were spent balls to the wall making Napoleon happen.  I also wanted to have a film at Sundance and sell it before I was 25 and we sold ND like a week before my 25th birthday.

Anyways, back to your question.  I don't think anyone should give up entirely on their filmmaking dreams if they feel that they have the talent and are prepared to work hard.  They just need to be smart and realistic about it.  By that, I mean have a day job or some means of supporting themselves financially and also have contingency plans in place should their dreams not come true.  Even though I think luck is a big part of anyone's success, that luck can only be capitalized upon with hard work so that you're prepared to make the most of it. My feeling is if someone works long and hard enough, eventually they will get a break of some kind.

BJC: The writer and the director get most of the glory for a completed movie. Do producers get less credit than they deserve? Is this why you also edited Napoleon and Sasquatch?

JC: I started out as an editor in school and then started producing out of necessity on short films.  Editing was my first love and producing came second.  My initial goal with ND was at the very least I would have a solid feature credit if I hired myself as the editor and I could save money doing it.  Again, I did it more out of necessity. As for producer's getting credit, it totally depends on the situation.  At festivals, the directors are king.  The general public cares mostly about the actors.  Producers get a lot of credit in the industry and with awards.  When a film wins best picture, it's the producer that gets the award.  There's a wide range of what a producer does, so some get less credit than they deserve, but most probably get more than they deserve.

BJC: What's your favorite of the feature films you've produced? Of course I know it's impossible to choose. For you to answer this would be like the end of Sophie's Choice where she has to pick which of her kids doesn't die.

JC: Napoleon is always going to be very special to me bc I have so many memories from it and it was my first.  I spent two years of my life making it and working the hardest I ever had on anything and loved it.  There was something so cool about the purity of the experience that I doubt any of us on the film will ever experience (at least at that level) again.  It was just a bunch of college buddies up in Idaho having fun, working hard, and trying to make a good film. There was none of the typical Hollywood egos or attitude on the shoot and it felt like a total family.  It was a new and innocent experience and there were no expectations.  Now anything we do is compared to Napoleon and expectations can be totally unrealistic.

BJC: I always thought everyone making Napoleon Dynamite must have had a lot of fun. What was the peak of your happiness during the Napoleon Dynamite process - some time during filming, when people were seeing it at Sundance, when you sold it, when it was a smash hit in theaters, or when the action figures came out?

JC: The highlight of the experience for me is easily the first screening at Sundance and when we sold it the following day.  I was post supervising the film and getting it ready to show and doing all of the producer stuff like dealing with sales agents and other festival stuff so the few months before the fest were especially chaotic.  A lot of people had invested a lot of time and effort into the film, but you never know how people are going to react to it until you show it to a real audience and you wonder if all this money and effort is in vain.

We had spent forever on the Napoleon dance sequence at the end including using different songs and many edits.  It was one of the last things we finished and had no idea if it was going to be good enough for the climax of the film.  At the first screening at Sundance, the audience went crazy after the dance.  If I had to pinpoint a moment it would be that and Jared turning to me and saying "We did it."  The reaction at our screenings were better than our wildest expectations and to be able to share it will some of my best friends - that helped make it is a great feeling.

BJC: Somewhere on MySpace a while ago, you said something about Borat being the funniest movie you'd ever seen. Not Napoleon Dynamite?

JC: Any filmmaker, be it a producer, director, etc, that would list any of their own films as their favorite films of all time is a total douchebag.  Don't get me wrong.  I love Napoleon and am very proud of it as I am about all the films I've worked on, but it just seems wrong to personally rank a film that you were intimately involved in making among the best films ever.  I can't imagine Coppola ranking The Godfather or Apocalypse Now as his favorite films to personally watch even though those films are amazing.  It's like a parent trying to give an objective evaluation of their child.

BJC: At SXSW, I saw "Eagle Vs. Shark", which seemed to me like a fairly direct rip-off of Napoleon Dynamite, at least with the style and mannerisms of the characters. Someone asked the director if he'd seen Napoleon Dynamite, and he admitted he had, but denied any influence. He said something fishy about his movie being what life was like in New Zealand. Are there any films you've seen that seem to have been at least partially influenced by Napoleon Dynamite (including any other films you've produced)?

JC: What's weird is that I was officially given the script for Eagle vs. Shark to possibly help produce it like 2 or 3 years ago or so.  I read it and liked it, but it felt very close to ND and I didn't want to follow up with that as my second film.  I've heard the director say he'd never even seen ND so it couldn't have influenced him.  Ultimately it doesn't really matter.  Nothing is truly original anymore.

As far as films that were influenced by ND, I guess all of the films I've done will have similar elements bc they've been made by similar people that worked on ND and all of us have similar senses of humor. So I don't know if I'd say that they were influenced as much as maybe representative of our style.

Films outside our circle of friends, I'd have to say Eagle vs. Shark (whether intentional or not) and Hot Rod have been two of the clearest examples of films that seem to have heavy ND influences.

BJC: I saw the ads for Hot Rod. That movie apparently borrowed Napoleon Dynamite's bike hitting the crotch scene shot for shot. Even nothing being original anymore can't explain that. What is happening with The Sasquatch Dumpling Gang and American Fork?

JC: The title of SDG has been changed to The Sasquatch Gang and it's being released theatrically on Nov 30th in 10 cities across the country (ie LA, NYC, Dallas, SLC, etc).  I think it's actually opening on Dec 7th in NYC last I heard, but everywhere else on Nov 30th. Depending on how it performs, it'll expand from there.  Might as well get a plug in, but people can check out www.thesasquatchgang.com for the latest updates.

American Fork is doing really well on the festival circuit.  We just won Best in Show, Best Actor, and screenplay at the Bend Film Festival and we're playing the AFI Film Festival the first week in Nov in LA.  We're talking to a few distributors that are interested and just trying to hammer out a deal we're happy with, so hopefully we'll be able to get the film out to audiences sometime with in the next year.

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BJC: Now for the real reason for this interview. Did I beat you?

JC: The race isn't over, so is it really fair to call a winner?

BJC: No, definitely not.   

JC: You have a long time girlfriend currently and I don't, so I'm willing to concede on that for the moment.  We'll just have to compare stats at our 20th reunion and take a vote.

BJC: Two years sure passes quickly, doesn't it?

JC: Yeah, it does.  Hopefully grad school will go just as quick.

BJC: Is there anything you wish you had done differently during this time?

JC: Not really.  I really like all the films I've done and they have been great experiences and provided a lot of special opportunities for me.  As long as I'm taking risks and not getting too comfortable, I'm pretty happy.

BJC: What should I have done differently in my quest to beat you?

JC: I have no idea.  I can't even think of a smart ass answer to this.  I guess I'd recommend changing what your definition of beating me was. By that I mean, focusing on areas that I don't generally do like writing, directing, etc.  It would be easier to beat me in an area that I have limited or no success in and forge your own path.

BJC: Did you ever think for one second that I might accomplish something close to editing and producing a hit feature film in the time I had?

JC: It was totally possible.  2 years is feasible honestly if you're starting from nothing, but I can't imagine anyone doing a film well in a much shorter period of time.  I'd say 6-9 months to write the script and then 12-15 months to get it set up and physically made.  It could take less time, but it would likely involve cutting corners, so the film wouldn't be as good as it could be.  Once we hit less than a year, I felt it was going to be significantly more difficult for you.

BJC: What are some things I could have done that you would have conceded counted as beating you?

JC: Dude, you're not making this easy, are you?  If you had found the cure for cancer and/or AIDS, I would totally admit defeat.  Short of that, there's not much else.  I did help make a really funny movie, but it would only be a close second to saving the lives of thousands or even millions of people :).

BJC: Will we ever work together on a project one day?

JC: Sure.  I don't have any doubt that you're talented, creative, and original.  To this day, I've never seen anyone else wear half a mustache.  Seriously, if I responded to a certain project and it makes good sense for us to work together, it could totally happen one day.

BJC: Any Oscar predictions (besides our future project together), or at least movies you think deserve to win this year?

JC: I swear every year gets worse than the year before.  I really liked Michael Clayton and Eastern Promises, but those are the only Oscarworthy movies I've seen so far.  American Gangster was decent, but I have a hard time believing that's going to get nominated for best picture.  There's a bunch of films I still need to see. I'm dying to see No Country for Old Men and I still need to see Into the Wild.  Overall, I think it's going to be a weak year again for the Academy, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed for the Coen brothers.

BJC: I think you'll find that the finger crossing paid off on No Country. What did I forget to ask about?

JC: Based on how many questions I've answered, I hope we haven't forgotten to cover anything.  Wait... my blood type is O negative and my favorite color is orange.  Now we've covered everything.

BJC: I'm O negative too. We give and we give, and what do we receive? Zilch! Welp. I guess this it. Any last words of wisdom?

JC: I'll just close with my favorite quote.  It's on my myspace page. "Don't mistake lack of talent for genius."  I love this quote as it applies to the entertainment industry, bc so often when people don't understand something, it becomes an Emperor's New Clothes kind of thing.  Hollywood often exemplifies crap only bc some people are too scared to voice their opinion that they think something sucks.

BJC: Thanks, Jeremy!

JC: Peace.

Post Script: Well there you have it. No more Beat Jeremy Coon. Maybe I'll come back to it in eight years to prepare myself for the next reunion, but for now I have another blog, I (Heart) Not You. If you ever wondered what it's like to reside in the New York City area, this is the blog for you. Otherwise, I still update Idea Province sometimes. But hopefully I'll have something real to show for myself one day.

November 23, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (21)

If you can't beat 'em... hide

You didn't really think that was my last entry, did you? This whole blog was about my 10-year reunion, so it would be hard to justify leaving that part out.

The only reason it's taken me so long to post an actual final entry is my continuing work for Michael Bluejay, and my recent discovery that videos of every Siskel & Ebert review (and Roeper, if you're into that kind of thing) starting in 1986 are now available online. It's easily the best thing on the internet.

Also, everything I was writing for this entry felt flat. The problem is, I already know what happened. I won't gain nearly as much information by writing this entry as you will by reading it, which probably makes it more exciting for you.

I thought about not going to the reunion, out of fear that I'd made too big a deal about the reunion with too little to show for it. Then I thought, well, I'm in Richardson, I dragged my girlfriend out here, I did build a lot of anticipation about this, so why not go? Frankly, it could have seemed like a cop-out not to go. "After all this, you didn't even go?!"  is a comment I could imagine appearing under my entry called, "Well, I didn't go to the reunion, ultimately."

But I did go to the reunion, which spanned two nights, though not without a break. Part one started Friday night with a football game. I'd never been to a high school football game before, so I didn't know how to get there. Which was fine, since hardly anybody bothered with that, and the reunion began at Fox and Hound, a 5-acre bar that was bigger than any bar I've seen in Manhattan.

Photo op!

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I knew that Nick Stevens wasn't going to be there. Since he was the person I most wanted to see, I was disappointed, but it also added to my acute anxiety. Nick Stevens, though he didn't realize it, would have been my support system in case of a not-beating-Jeremy-Coon worse-case-scenario emergency. That emergency did exist (in my head, at least), but then I ran into Luc Giambasu and Nick Benoit, who eased my concerns, to an extent. Nick Benoit thought I shouldn't worry, since everyone thought my beating Jeremy Coon quest was a joke. I'd imagined that everyone at the reunion would have read my blog and be expecting some kind of High Noon-esque standoff, so this was comforting to hear.

Here I am in a rare profile shot, with Nick Benoit.

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Luc was a little more cynical, saying he thought I'd put myself out there a bit too much with the blog, presumably suggesting that I might have invited disaster. He was a bit of a nay-sayer from the beginning; when I'd told him about the blog early on, he objected, saying, "Nobody from Berkner should have a blog called 'Beat Jeremy Coon'." I agreed with his point, except for one exception. Me.

Here I am with Luc and two people I don't know.

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At this point, I was hoping Jeremy Coon wouldn't show up. Then Nick Benoit saw him. "Are you going to talk to him?" Nick asked. I knew I'd probably have to. And I had reason to believe Jeremy Coon wouldn't be hostile, despite all this blog rigmarole. Last year I'd become MySpace friends with him, and even sent him one message, to which he'd responded kindly. "Ahh, he's so nice," I thought. "I can't beat this guy." And so I made a point of not beating him, for fear of appearing rude. So there was no real reason for him to have a grudge. Nevertheless, I was afraid I'd created an awkward situation.

So I tried to avoid Jeremy Coon at first. I was sitting with Luc and Nick in the main area of the bar as Jeremy Coon was in line for the private side room devoted to the reunion. "Aha. I'll wait for a while, then get in line, and he won't see me," I thought. I did just that, but the line was moving so slowly that when I got in line, I was still in eye-shot of Jeremy Coon. I was too afraid to look, but Nicole said he saw me.

I tried to look busy so I wouldn't have to look back, by talking to people in line with me. Wouldn't you know it? Hilary Bryant, whom you may remember from a BJC Exclusive Interview, was right in front of me in line.

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And Nick Hasegawa, whom you won't remember but I did, was right behind me.

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But talking to them was merely delaying the inevitable, which Nick Hasegawa pointed out. "He's a nice guy," Nick said encouragingly. "Go talk to him."

"Okay," I said. "I will."

But first I talked to my old buddy Craig Overby. For a while.

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Craig was tall as ever, but was now married to - appropriately enough - someone named Whitney Overby. Craig sells medical supplies for a living. 

Then I talked to Luc and Nick some more.

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Luc, it turns out, is a high school Spanish teacher, and Nick works for his dad's company. I already knew that. But I was delaying.

I could have put off speaking to Jeremy Coon longer if my friend Casey McLaughlin had showed up. Casey lives in Dallas, but Nick Stevens told me Casey had said, "I'm not gonna go." Casey had hated school too much to honor the reunion with his presence, even though his occupation - testing video games - certainly would have made him one of the major success stories.

It was about time to talk to Jeremy Coon, I decided. Nicole, who is my eyes as I am her ears, saw Jeremy Coon across the room. But he was talking to a girl very intently, Nicole said. I debated whether attempting to "lip block" Jeremy Coon and this girl by approaching him at what was possibly an inopportune time. I decided against that, though, which gave me more time to gain my bearings.

Eventually Jeremy stopped talking to this girl, and was looking around the room. Looking for me, Nicole thought. So of course I stepped up.

I walked over to him, but then I realized there was a long bar cutting the room in two, and he was on the other side. I was close enough to shake his hand, but it would have been strange to do it over this obstruction. "I'll have to go around," I schemed.

On the way, I ran into Keith Lucky - Berkner '97's Prom King and winner of Berkner's Nicest Guy - so I stalled with him for a while. But though you may fight fate, you rarely win. 

"Hey, Jeremy," I said, extending a hand of peace. He laughed and smiled and greeted me back. "I saw that you went to Japan," he said. Beyond that, I don't think we talked about the blog at all. I asked Jeremy about his decision to return to the bosom of Utah, his travails with finding distribution for his last film, "American Fork," and his advice for me. He argued that attempting to sell my script is a futile endeavor, and that I should produce it myself instead.  "I don't know where to get the funding," I said. "Eh, just meet a rich dentist," he countered. "Okay," I nodded.

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Look at me. Trying to play it cool as I dig my fingernails into that table and the sheer fear emanating from my body is so robust, it actually puffs out my fitted shirt.

I wasn't talking to Jeremy Coon for too long before Steven Pan - now a surgeon of some sort - interrupted to gush, "Jeremy, man, I loved your movie!" Exactly what I was afraid of, all these years! "Thanks. What are you up to now," Jeremy said, swiftly deflecting the compliment. I don't know if the humility was for my benefit, but I suppose there's a limit to how much you can enjoy rapturous praise. I did have my "revenge," if this incident is something that merited vengeance, when someone I'd asked out in sixth grade came up to us and seemed really happy to see me, and then said, "Oh, who are you?" to Jeremy Coon.

The next night was a more formal get-together near the top of that building in the downtown Dallas skyline with the vertical green neon lights going down all its edges. Like the night before, it wasn't disorganized so much as strangely unorganized. There was no leader, no real authority figures besides the bar tenders. There was no faculty, no "get to know/remember you" games. It was just Berkner '97 graduates in a room together, ten years later, left to our own devices. There were no cops either, which essentially made it anarchy. Well, let me tell you. I'm a believer now. Anarchy works.

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Marcie Calhoun! She lives in New York, doing something or another here.

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Tommy Stockton! He was Berkner's only male cheerleader when we went there. He's rocking it in Frisco, Texas these days.

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Guess who! Yep, it's Luc again, never happier.

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Leon Chen, one of my best friends in sixth grade. He co-owns Tiff's Treats, a cookie-delivery business in Austin and Dallas, making him one of the more successful alums.

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But he couldn't do it without Tiff, of course!

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It's Jennifer McMillan and Stephen Pan! They went to prom together, and now they live together in New York, where I'm sure they watch Napoleon Dynamite... if Mr. Pan has anything to say about it.

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Duncan Gilman! I don't know why we didn't stay with this guy when we went to L.A. instead of torturing ourselves with a new place every night. Maybe that city deserves another chance.

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It wouldn't be a Berkner High School reunion without Keith Lucky, reigning prom king from '97. He lives in New York too, making sure security guards don't slack off.

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Celest Villanueva, another Berkner type, lives a fairy tale life with said prom king now. 

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Mike Grey, who opposes flash photos, and bought beatrhyssouthan.com once he heard about my blog.

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Nicole didn't go to Berkner. She was my guest.

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The only nominee for "Most Likely to Beat Jeremy Coon By the Next Reunion," thanks to some last minute work by Nicole.

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Receiving my award for "Most Likely to Beat Jeremy Coon by the Next Reunion."

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And a congratulatory pat on the back from my new fan.

There were so many others! Unfortunately I'm blinking in those photos, so you'll never get to see.

And there you have it.

In conclusion...

I went through many short careers since I started this blog. I worked at Angelica Kitchen for about nine months. I worked on a children's book about alpacas. I worked at Pure Food and Wine for a few days. I was a theater reviewer for The New York Sun for about a month before I was fired for irresponsible journalism (I gave a blistering review to a play I'd only partially seen, a play that in retrospect wasn't so bad). I sold furniture on Craigslist. I found links for the now-defunct Web site "Office Pirates." I worked for an event planning agency. I was a substitute for the superintendent at a few Upper East Side buildings. I modeled. I went to Japan to shoot and edit a TV show. And other stuff I'm forgetting. I do these things just enough to scrape by while I work on my various projects. This apparently is how I choose to live my life, because it was like this long before I started this blog. An ad agency, a PR agency, a macrobiotic restaurant, a TV station and so on. Internships used to be my favorite job because just like life, they have a set end date. Commitment. It's not for me. Unless it's for my own writing.

I assumed this kind of lifestyle would be difficult to explain or justify at the reunion, since its fruits are  tough and green at best, but surprisingly to me, there was no explanation needed. People were just glad or at least interested to see each other, and few cared enough to inquire about the specifics. Hardly anybody at the reunion that I asked already made money doing exactly what they wanted to be doing. So  it didn't really matter. I made a big deal over nothing. Jeremy Coon's accomplishment is impressive, but  at the ten-year reunion at least, there's no shame in not measuring up.

The 20-year reunion is another matter. What I've learned through this experience is what many have learned before me, and many will learn hence. It doesn't matter. It's just two nights every ten years. And even if it did matter, envy isn't going to get you any further than lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath  or pride will. Beat yourself, people. Beat yourself.

But I've blabbed enough. Stay tuned for the very last entry on Beat Jeremy Coon, my interview with the man himself... Jeremy Coon.

October 11, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (25)

Reunion Today

I'm in Texas now, for my 10 year high school reunion, which begins tonight. I know this because I've been plagued by an eye-twitch the past few days, probably from acute anxiety. Maybe it'll help if I imagine my old classmates in fast food service outfits when I see them tonight. I did at least do five straight hours of push-ups today to make up for not having done a single push-up in the last two years. Also, the fact that I'm still here writing this is a good sign, because it means I'm going to be fashionably late to the Berkner Homecoming Game that kicks off this thing.

The only reason I mention all this is that it's what this blog was all about. Two years ago, I was very concerned with how I was going to come across at this reunion. Jeremy Coon having produced Napoleon Dynamite made me wonder what exactly I had accomplished. Nothing as substantial as that, I concluded. So for the next two years I worked tirelessly to do something substantial, so I could go to this reunion and say, "Yes, I did (blank)." And then everyone would say, "Oh, well, that's nice. It's much better than Napoleon Dynamite, actually."

I'm not exactly sure what I did to fill in that blank, but maybe it will come to me when I'm under pressure. It doesn't look that great for me, though. Beyond not having accomplished anything I can point to in the recent past, I don't even have a job right now. If someone were to ask me what I do, I would be at a loss, since I don't do anything consistently. I pick up a bunch of random jobs to scrape by as I work on my (mostly-unseen) writing. The last random job involved going to Japan, which may impress some, and I had a modeling job a week or two ago, but I actually don't know what my next job will be. Maybe something in real estate if I finally get around to filling out my broker's license application. One could make the argument that not only have I not beaten Jeremy Coon, but that I am actually the most lamentable figure of our entire graduating class.

On the other hand, tomorrow is the main part of the reunion, and maybe I'll have accomplished something on par with producing Napoleon Dynamite by then.

But that's neither here nor there, at least as far as this blog is concerned. Tonight is the reunion, which means that this blog is officially over and this is my last post. It's been a crazy ride, hasn't it? I went to Switzerland and New York and Japan. And now I'm back in the land of my humble beginnings, Richardson, Texas. Thanks for reading, it's been great! Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!   

September 28, 2007 in Jeremy Coon | Permalink | Comments (17)

On beating Jeremy Coon

I didn't taser Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, it turns out, but I did make an effort to mercilessly question his logic in my head. For instance, he said that science and education are torches that light the way for humanity. But what if humanity holds those torches for too long? Will we not get burned?

The reunion is just a few days away now. I cut myself shaving, which is usually thought to be a bad omen, though sometimes it signals a glorious windfall. It's a pretty deep cut, too. You know how it is, you start day-dreaming about saving the world and people holding you on their shoulders at your parade, and suddenly you notice the mirror is splattered in human blood. The cut might still be visible Friday. If anyone asks, I'll casually mention that I live in Greenpoint, Brooklyn, the most Polish area in New York. That should resonate with my classmates, because in '96 we put on the musical West Side Story, in which all the villains are Polish gang members. "Ah, The Jets got ya," they'll say.

There's a chance Jeremy Coon might not come to the reunion. If I had to guess whether he's going to make it, I'd say he might come... but he might not. Let me just say right now that if he doesn't appear, he forfeits, and I automatically win.

I did a Google Image Search for "Jeremy Coon," to see how he's looking these days, and this is the photo that comes up:

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Jeremy Coon wears glasses now! No way will he want to show his four-eyed face at the re-union!

Also, get this. I don't mean to gossip, but according to sources, Jeremy Coon is no longer living in L.A., where he moved after the success of Napoleon Dynamite in order to pursue his producing career. He has returned to his old haunt, BYU, where he met all the people who came together for Napoleon Dynamite. Hmmm... mucho intéressant. But hey, no shame there.

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This is pure speculation, but one reason might be that he is a living legend there, as Napoleon Dynamite may be the most prominent film ever made by former BYU students. People at BYU must now regard him with awe, which probably isn't how they regarded him when he was originally a student there. And what's the point of all that awe if he can't revel in it? It was just hitting the Wasatch Mountains and dissipating, a total waste.

Another reason may be that BYU is evidently the most fertile ground in the country for cinematic creativity. Jeremy Coon no doubt wants to pluck those ripening talents from the Brigham Young vine. I submit that he hasn't given up. He's on to something big.

So this reunion happens to catch both of us at a down moment. Jeremy Coon's last two projects weren't the unmitigated triumphs he might have hoped, and I'm still stockpiling my potential. I'm just not ready to share my potential with the world. Not yet.

Though I did send my script to a producer yesterday, my "connection". If he reads it today, raises money on Thursday, then buys it on Friday, I'll be looking good. If that doesn't pan out, I still have the advantage of two hits in my past - "Who is Jim Holt?" and "Stuck in Delaware" - whereas Jeremy Coon only has one. His one hit is more known, however, which partially makes up for it.

If I had another month, the reunion would only catch one of us at a down moment: Jeremy Coon.

But that's alright. I never wanted to "Beat" Jeremy Coon per se. I just wanted us to have a good time at the reunion together. He insisted on making this a competition, and because of that, he might be a little embarrassed come Friday night when he doesn't have more to brag about. I'm willing to let his antics slide. I just wonder if the rest of our classmates will be so kind.

September 26, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (9)

Fate gives me one last opportunity... but do I have the guts?

There is one way I could for sure beat Jeremy Coon in time for the reunion. As you know,  Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - the President of Iran, basically - is speaking at the Columbia campus tomorrow. The guy's no good. He wants to wipe Israel off the map, which wouldn't even help the Palestinians, since there would just be the West Bank and the Gaza Strip and a gaping hole between them.

Coincidentally, I'm going to be at Columbia tomorrow the same time as him. If I could somehow tackle this guy, or taser him, or punch him in the nose, or knee him in the balls, or break his leg, or put him in a headlock, or choke-slam him, or bitch slap him, or anything to that effect, I would have beat Jeremy Coon without question. With one punch, I would have changed the course of history.

But then there's the danger of unintended consequences. If I were to totally knock this guy out, what if he were replaced by someone even worse? Someone so misanthropic, he denies not only the Shoah, but the entirety of human history? I'll probably use this to rationalize not choke-slamming this guy, because let's face it, I'm afraid of getting shot down. But he certainly deserves to be tasered more than some people.

I do feel like fate has placed this opportunity into my hands so that I can have something solid to brag about at the reunion. Physically humiliating an evil world leader is way better than making a movie. It would be disrespectful of me to let this chance pass. We'll see what happens. 

In the meantime, here are some more photos from Japan, this time with humorous captions. I'm still editing footage that I shot for Michael Bluejay there, which is why I haven't been blogging quite as much as I promised this month. But now that this is my last week, I'm going to try to write every day.

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"There's no such thing as a free hug."

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"Row, row, row your boat, gently down the... man-made pond?!"

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"Burdock flavored kit-kats? Yum!"

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"Watch out! There's a floating, white mass of condensed droplets (cloud) coming for you!"

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"Good times."

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"Postcards from the fifth station of Mt. Fuji. Didn't get one? I guess we forgot about you!"

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"Dance-Dance Revolutionin' the night away."

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"Whoa, there!"

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"Myst."

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"Hats off... to Indian Food in Japan!"

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"Beware the ugly duckling."

I hope that gave you a chuckle. If not, then I'll try to get a photo of me punching Ahmadinejad tomorrow.

September 24, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (58)

D-Week

One more month, and I've got Jeremy Coon beat for sure. Unfortunately, my high school reunion is this week. Luckily, it's at the end of the week, so I still have a few days left of beating prep. What would be really cool is if I could take all my accomplishments from the last two years, send those back in time to when I started this blog, and then have another two years to work from there.  Life doesn't always work that way, though.

I wonder what I would think about this Jeremy Coon situation if I had never started this blog. I would still have followed his post-Napoleon Dynamite career with interest, but I don't think I would have found the prospect of being in the same class as him that intimidating anymore. I would have assumed that Napoleon Dynamite was mostly forgotten, and I would have taken comfort that Jeremy Coon's two productions after that never got released theatrically. Though, of course I would be rooting for their eventual triumph.

I might not have gone to the reunion, under this imaginary scenario, but it would have been from being too busy rather than a feeling of inferiority. Since, if I had never started this blog, I would have been successful beyond belief. I would have been happy about this, but would have seen no need to flaunt it. So instead of spending the week in Richardson, I would have used that time to direct yet another movie.

It finally occurs to me that I might have been my own worst enemy in all this, because now I do have to go to the reunion, and I do have to have something to show for these two years. It's not Jeremy Coon who has put this burden on me. I did. "Oooh, I'm going to beat Jeremy Coon, look at me!" This is the worst thing anyone could have done to stack the odds against my 10 year high school reunion going well. And I did it.

I do have some things going for me, and might still be able to pull off a major triumph before Friday rolls around:

* I have a beautiful, well-dressed girlfriend who functions well in social situations. And that makes me look good.

* This weekend, I basically finished the screenplay that I started writing for real last year, and had the idea for three years ago. I've had some false final drafts before, and I already found things to change since finishing yesterday. But after today or the next day, I'll feel pretty confident in calling it done. This is one of the reasons I haven't been blogging too much lately.

* An agency called Undiscovered Pros Literary Agency has expressed interest in representing the script, but they are a new agency with no apparent presence on the web, so I don't know if being a powerful force for Hollywood to reckon with is their forte. I do like their mission statement, though. Basically, they only represent writers who have never sold a script before, and stop representing them once they've sold something (since at that point, you can find a better agency anyway). It's the only legit agency that even acknowledges the existence of writers who haven't sold a script, as far as I know.

* Also, thanks to my going to Sundance this year, I do have one "connection" who said he will read the script when it's done. Who needs an agent when you have a connection?

* The Writer's Guild may go on strike. If that's the case, studios could become desperate for scripts, allowing a nobody writer like me to  cross the picket line and sell one.

* Even though I'm relying on a strike-induced desperation to sell the script, I'm pretty sure it is really good, and if it were to morph into a movie, it would be a funnier and better movie than Napoleon Dynamite. The problem is, for a man in my position, it's hard to transform a script into a movie in less than one week.

* I kept up with a few people from my Berkner days, and if enough of them go to the reunion, they could form a protective circle around me, shielding me from shame or danger.

* I haven't lost a hair or put on a pound since high school. If there are any superficial types at the reunion, they might find this impressive enough not to scrutinize the shifty nature of my accomplishments too harshly.

* I did go to Japan.

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* Note the Japanese letters on signs: proof that this is actually Japan. While there, we climbed to the top of Mt. Fuji. Some people never in their lives ever climb Mt. Fuji. So that will make me better than them.

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I literally busted out a pair of chopsticks and ate a cloud. The closest most people get to that is eating fog, and I doubt many of my fellow '97ers  have encountered fog enough to think of that.

Still, I would give up everything I've accomplished in the past two years for a one-month extension on this reunion. But don't worry. The last thing I will ever do is "redefine what success means to me."

September 23, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (12)

Japan

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote, so I don't know if I'll be able to write about every single one of them. Here is what I will write:

I have one month and a couple of weeks to beat Jeremy Coon. That's a far cry from when I had two years to beat him. I've certainly become a better person since then, but it would be hard for me to honestly say I was more successful than him at the moment. Will I beat him in a month and a half, though? I think so. But it will mean cutting back on my entries here, so I can focus on beating him.

I'm in Japan now, working on a project with Michael Bluejay. Last year when I went to various countries, I wrote about them here. Remember when I bashed Switzerland? I ultimately came around on Switzerland. Apologies to the woman who changed her travel plans to avoid Geneva because of my scathing entry. I hope you didn't go to Florence instead! I don't think I'll have time to write about Japan, though, at least not while I'm here. All I will say is that if any of you dare venture to Tokyo, you might want to speak Japanese. And if you don't speak Japanese, then you should go on couchsurfing.com and find locals who speak English. Japanese people are really cool if you can understand them.

I promise, there will be a lot of entries in September (D-Month).

August 12, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (22)

Beat Jeremy Coon

Apparently, the Berkner 10-year reunion is on September 29 of this year. I haven't received my invitation, but everyone else I know from Berkner has. Either this means I've been banned for causing trouble, or they sent it to my old address in Austin.

This gives me about four months to top the success of Napoleon Dynamite (or at least Jeremy Coon's contribution to Napoleon Dynamite). Which is more than I thought I'd have. I had guessed it would happen some time in June. Almost October? It might as well be the 11th year reunion.

Still, four months isn't a lot of time for much. Two years ago, I had limitless options for beating Jeremy Coon. I could have run for office on a platform of change. I could have directed a movie that quadrupled the Academy Awards that Napoleon Dynamite won. I could have made it rich investing in the "SCP-Pool" corporation before the Katrina disaster (I don't know what this company is, but it tripled after Katrina). I could have written a blog so successful, the phrase "Beat Jeremy Coon" was more familiar to America than "You idiot!" I could have moved back to Richardson and become friends with the current Berkner High School administration and made sure they "lost" Jeremy Coon's invitation.

I did none of these things. At this point, I have only three options.

1. Maybe my burgeoning semi-nude modeling career will take off.

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But I haven't been pursuing it lately.

2. That's because I've been working in real estate. It's conceivable, though unlikely, that I could make a good amount of money through real estate in the four months I have before the re-union. But from what I understand, Jeremy Coon is rich. And he produced a movie. So simply making money isn't enough.

3a. The main thing I've been working on, and the reason I haven't been writing in this blog, is that I've been writing a script. The success or failure of it will basically determine whether I beat Jeremy Coon. This is pretty much my only chance now. That's a lot of pressure for a commodity that is in over-supply and difficult to sell even when its quality is high. Let's say I finish the final draft on July 1st, which should be possible. That gives me about three months to do something with it. If I sell the script, then I think I can safely say I've beaten Jeremy Coon. Writing is cooler than producing (though producing certainly has its merits), and even though Jeremy Coon has produced three movies now, only Napoleon Dynamite has actually been released. So unless some Berknerites caught "American Fork" at a film festival, it will still be one-on-one.

3b. If I don't sell the script on time, the only thing left for me to do is to try to raise money and produce it myself. In a sense, that's even better, because by being writer and producer (at least), I'll have definitely shown him up. This is still not as easy to admire as a movie already made, that most people have seen, and was a huge hit. This could be an advantage, though. I mean, Napoleon Dynamite will be three years old by our re-union. That's a friggin' toddler in human age, and an old man in dog years. Can anyone even remember back that far?

Still, what took me so long? I had the idea for this script over six months before I started this blog. Six months is enough time to write a script, so this blog should have opened with me having this script and trying to get it made into a movie that could one-up ND. Instead, I was unfocused and undisciplined, as I think I documented. Plus, having to acclimate to life in Greenpoint didn't help my concentration either (my previous few months in New York, I lived in Williamsburg, which was of no help to me here). I'm not totally sure where the year went (some of it I slept away), but it wasn't until last summer that I actually started to outline and then write this script.

Writing this blog is one of the main culprits. Which is why I haven't been writing in it lately. Any writing time I spend in a blog, I could be spending on my script, which - if it works out - serves me much better at my high school reunion than talking about besting a former classmate does.

So I guess I should get back to that. 

May 24, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (19)

Forget what I said about Sundance

I engage in a lot of self-censorship here on Beat Jeremy Coon, so you can't really trust what I said about Sundance in my last entry. To find out what I really thought about the movies I saw, check out  my Sundance Film Festival wrap-up at Mary-Kate and Ashley dot Com, where I had much more freedom to speak about what I saw. At least what I saw that was rated PG-13 and under, since R-rated movies were verboten. Here.

February 06, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (18)

Sundance, R.I.P.

The first few days of Sundance were torture. I just wanted to snap my fingers and have it all be over. This was because I was staying in Salt Lake City without a car (with Michelle, someone I met a few months ago on CouchSurfing.com), and every day had to worry how I was going to find a ride there, and a ride back. It looked like, at best, I could make all of my volunteer shifts and see movies while I usher, but not do anything beyond that.

I hit absolute rock bottom after I missed all my potential rides one day (I was waiting to go with Michelle, who ended up deciding not to go) and had to borrow Michelle's car to make it to my shift on time. Because I am on a "fixing my vision naturally" kick, I didn't bring my glasses to this trip. Even though nature hasn't fixed anything yet. By the time I got to the Park City area, the sun had set, and the lingering light wasn't making promises. I thought about how hard it was going to be to drive on the icy roads in the dark on the way back, without a driver's license to guide me, and I almost gave up and returned while I could still somewhat see.

I didn't, though. I did my shift and told my manager my plight. He said I could sleep on the couch in his Park City condo (most full time volunteers get to stay in a condo in Park City) for the rest of the festival. Fantastic news, except that I still needed to get Michelle her car back by the next morning. Since my shift ended so late (2 a.m.) and I wanted to minimize my imposition on my new hosts as much as possible, I decided to drive back that night instead of spending the night in the condo and waking up super early.

When I got to the car, I remembered some of the car's problems: no heat, no interior lights, and no window defroster. After scraping all the windows off as best as I could, they were still foggyish. With my natural vision, unfamiliarity of the terrain and potentially icy roads on top of it, driving conditions weren't totally ideal. But I tried anyway. Even though I knew there was a reasonable chance I might die.

In a few minutes, I was on a strange, narrow road crawling up a mountain, only able to see a few feet in front of me. I'm not prone to panic attacks, but I almost had one. I turned around, found my old parking spot, and sat in the car, waiting for my vision to fix itself. After half an hour, I realized my toes (protected only by wet Chucks) were about to freeze off. I ran to the Marriot Hotel--Sundance headquarters--and went to the bathroom. I figured it was already too late to call my condo friends, and I'd never be able to find the condo anyway, so I was going to sleep in the bathroom until it was bright enough to drive. Since everyone in the hotel at this point had their own hotel room, I didn't think I'd have too many interruptions.

Messing up that plan was that the toilet had no top lid. So the only back support was a cylindrical metal pole that jutted painfully into my back. I couldn't really sleep leaning forward, and I didn't want to put a bunch of paper towels on the floor and sleep on those, because it would look really bad if someone eventually did come in. So I gave up on the bathroom. For the most part.

I went to the second floor lobby and found a chair that was mostly out of view of the first floor lobby. I grabbed a newspaper and sat with it in my lap, so I could open my eyes and pretend to read it whenever it sounded like someone was coming. This was actually quite a bit. So I got a lot of newspaper reading done, and very little resting. 

This got me thinking about how hard my life is sometimes, and how it's usually due to my asceticism. If other people were in this situation, how would they have handled it? Not by almost sleeping on the floor of a bathroom, I'm guessing. Some people might have woken up the condo people and found their way there. Others might even have bought a hotel room for a night. And I bet there's other options my mind can't even conceive of.

I considered falling asleep in the chair and not caring what anyone else thought, but for some reason, I couldn't manage the courage for this.  Every noise I heard, i was back to the paper. Every once in a while, I'd  get nostalgic for the relative peace of the bathroom, and try that again, before remembering why I hated trying to sleep on that toilet. So I basically just sat in this hotel, watching time pass until about 6 a.m.

A call from Nicole informed me that the sun wasn't coming out until 7:45 a.m. I could have waited another half hour. But not another hour and a half. Being away from the car for so long gave me my driving confidence back. I got a Park City and Salt Lake City map from the lobby downstairs, something Nicole thought they'd probably have, and ran back to the car.

Thanks to the maps, I found the highway back to Salt Lake City. My vision hadn't totally fixed itself while I waited in the hotel, but I drove slowly, stuck to the middle lane and could see the taillights of cars in front of me, headlights of cars behind me, and the lane stripes right in front of me. This was all tolerable enough until a car coming from the other direction on the highway spun out on some ice, and flew into my side of the highway, sliding right in front of me. I had to hit my brakes, and just as this other car flew into the gulch to my right, I fishtailed out of control for what seemed like an hour or so (probably more like a few seconds), and then I spun-out too. It was weird facing the headlights of cars that were supposed to be behind me, imagining their horrified faces.

When I finally got the car to stop, I wasn't in a gulch, and I wasn't even far out of my lane. And nobody behind me had crashed. I pulled onto the shoulder and gave myself a minute to reflect on what had just transpired. I saw a police car not too far ahead, in the gulch, tending to another icey road victim. Hanging out on the shoulder of what was apparently the most danger-ridden spot on I-80 didn't seem like the best idea. So with my frazzled nerves, I pressed on. I drove so slowly the rest of the way, the sun had totally risen by the time I got Michelle's car back to her.

The next day I heard that there'd been a fatality on that road the night before. I wondered if it was  me, but I pinched myself, and I was still alive.

The rest of Sundance, I was at Park City, and it seemed like heaven. I saw 30 movies, probably more movies than I saw all of last year, and I remembered why I love movies so much. A few of them were unfathomable junk, true, but even those were inspiring in a way. At most I made one "contacts," but contacts are dumb anyway. It's not who you know, it's what you know. And I know that I want to make movies.

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This is the one photo I got of myself at Sundance. The woman next to me owns a toxic waste transportation company. Not sure what the other woman does. I heard I could get a free haircut in downtown Park City, but damn it, I never found the place.

Here's a list of the movies I saw at Sundance, from best to worst:

Hounddog: A lot of people (most of whom admit that they haven't seen it) have a problem with the rape scene in Hounddog, and think the movie should be boycotted. Then when people actually do see the movie, they don't think the rape scene is bad, but instead think it's filled with terrible Southern movie cliches, and should be boycotted for that. Hey, I got on Siskel & Ebert for complaining about cliches in movies about the South, but I thought this movie was brilliant in every way. At one point I almost teared up because the story did something so unexpected, I don't think I've ever seen anything like it before.

After the main character is raped, I was thinking about how in most movies, things get really bad for the main character, so they can turn everything around for a big triumph at the end. But that even if Hounddog somehow managed some kind of quasi happy ending, it could never really be happy, because the main character would always have been raped, and nothing could ever fix that. Then that was the very issue the movie addressed, and it actually managed to show some hope at the end. Maybe there have been a lot of movies like this that came out first, but that doesn't change how good Hounddog is.

Protagonist: This is a documentary I should have made. It tells the life stories of four very different people whose lives are all linked by a common theme: they all tried to change something about themselves that they couldn't change, because the problem trait in question was an immutable part of them.

One character was a wimpy kid who tried to become tough by joining a really violent martial arts class. Another was a gay man who suppressed his sexual desires to become a married evangelical missionary with a kid. Another was a peace-loving German leftist with a Nazi father and Jewish mother who became a terrorist to aid the cause of the Palestinians and was responsible for the death of three people. And the last was a guy who was a weak kid beat up by his father for all of his childhood until he nearly stabbed his father to death and become an "ubermensch" bank robber with power over everyone. All attempts at change failed, because they were fighting their true natures. These stories, all flawlessly told, are intercut with puppets enacting segments of plays by Euripides, showing the tragedies that strike man when he tries to wrest control of his fate from the Gods.

The theme here is the exact same as the theme in the script I'm writing. I approached the director after the Q&A to be like, "Hey, I'm writing a script with the same theme as your documentary!" But then the guy in front of me told her that exact same thing! So I left. 

Manda Bala (Send a Bullet): If you thought your country was bad, you should see Brazil! This is the winner of the main documentary competition at Sundance. The reason I saw it is that it seemed like it could be inspiring for the next script I'm planning on writing after the one I'm doing now. And it was. So much so that I would want to develop my next script with this director. I talked to him about this after the screening, and he (who seemed very scared during our conversation) said to contact him through mandabala.com. Turns out, his email address wasn't on the site, but his producer's was, so I contacted that guy. I figured I wouldn't hear anything about it, but his producer emailed me back today, curious about my script idea. So I guess that is a contact of sorts.

Anyway, this movie is about how thoroughly corrupt and dangerous Sao Paulo in Brazil is. The main characters in the movie are: a rich owner of a frog farm who knows some other frog farm owners involved in a government money laundering scheme; a rich woman who was kidnapped and had her ears cut off during the bargaining portion of the ransom request; the kidnapping division of the police force; a rich guy who has bullet proofed all of his cars, takes classes about escaping kidnappers on the road, and can't wait until he can plant microchips under his skin to be kept track of; a plastic surgeon who uses rib cartilage to fix the ears of all the rich people who have their ears cut off; a kidnapper who has killed so many people he can't remember the first; poor kids who pretend to cut each others ears off; and a politician who stole billions from a government program that was supposed to aid the poor in the Amazon. The subject material is disturbing, but with the wall-to-wall music and energetic editing, watching it is an elating experience.

Sweet Mud: This movie won the jury prize for international cinema at Sundance. I loved it the second it started because it instantly creates a world I'd never before seen. It takes place on a kibbutz in Israel in the 70s, a socialist experiment in communal living, where people didn't particularly raise their own kids, unless they happened to be assigned baby duty. The main conflict is that despite everyone's socialist idealism, nobody likes  Miri--a woman who has become mentally unstable since the mysterious death of her husband--leaving her 12-year-old son (Dvir, the main character) to take care of her.

Miri's charming, older Swiss boyfriend Stephan comes to visit, after the kibbutz votes to allow it ("He may be a gentile, but he is the Swiss Judo champion," one advocate offers) giving Dvir a father figure and Miri some joy. But Miri sinks into a deep depression after the kibbutz kicks Stephan out early. Besides a romance subplot between Dvir and a girl from Paris, the movie gets pretty dark. But as Roger Ebert says, good movies are never depressing. Except maybe Boys Don't Cry. That movie is depressing as hell.

Chicago 10 - Chicago 10 is one of the best historical documentaries I've seen. It's about the demonstration against the 1968 Democratic National Convention, and the trial of its supposed leaders (most famously, Abby Hoffman). You know you're awesome when one of the witnesses at your trial is Allen Ginsburg. Because there were no cameras in the courtroom, the movie uses lively animation to bring the court transcripts to life. The rest of the story is told with archival footage, and absolutely no narrator.

The people in this movie are activist geniuses, a species of person that no longer exists, because all the clever iconoclasts (like Steven Colbert) have left the repetitive chants of the picket lines for more creative outlets like Comedy Central and The Onion. The famous activists of today (Cindy Sheehan et al) are humorless scolds with nothing original to say (how many times do we need to hear Bush  called "Monkey boy"?) who make me want to like the war in Iraq. Chicago 10 harkens back to a time when activism seemed cool and meaningful. "Groovy, man!" (a phrase from back then)

No End in Sight: I don't really want to like the war in Iraq, but if I did, watching this movie would make it impossible. This documentary thoroughly and intelligently dissects what went wrong with Iraq after Saddam Hussein was ousted from power. What's refreshing about the movie, besides how well it lays out the facts, is that it doesn't seek to argue that the war was inherently wrong from the very beginning (even though the filmmakers no doubt believe that to be true). Instead, it shows all the mistakes that were made along the way, and how they could have been prevented. Iraq is unquestionably worse now than it was under Saddam. In fact, it basically looks unsalvageable. But at least, if you watch this movie, you'll have the satisfaction of knowing why.

Once: I had absolutely no interest in seeing this movie, but I was an usher during it, and I was surprised by how much I liked it. It's about an Irish street musician who meets a Czech immigrant. The make music together and share a very muted quasi-romance. Spending time with these characters is pleasant, and the music is nice too.

Pop Foul: This was the best short film I saw, but it wasn't one of the short film winners. It was directed by a dude named Moon Molson. Weird name, but great movie! On the way back from an ill-fated baseball game, Lavonte sees his dad get beat up by a neighborhood thug, without attempting to defend himself. His dad makes Lavonte lie for him, and this leads to Lavonte's eventual leap into violence. The dialogue and acting are exceptional. 

Hot House: A documentary that looks at the conflict between Israel and the Palestinians solely in the context of an Israeli prison for Palestinian terrorists. What's interesting about this movie is that both sides come out looking pretty good. The prison conditions seem to be decent. They are clean, have a reasonable amount of freedom of movement, zero violence, televisions, education, and prisoners even get to stay in cells with people who have the same political affiliation as them. (The director was filming during the Palestinian elections, and the Fatah cell seemed pretty deflated after the elections). One Palestinian prisoner complains that they aren't allowed to have cell phones, whereas Jewish prisoners elsewhere are, and a prison worker points out that a prisoner recently used a cell phone to set up a bombing of a bus in Jerusalem. During the Q&A, one guy told director Shimon Dotan, "I can't believe they get to watch Oprah!" And the director, an Israeli with a heavy accent, said, "Well, you'll just have to accept my testimony." "No, I believe you..." the guy clarified.

Like the terrorist sympathizers in Spielberg's Munich, the many of the Palestinians here come across as intelligent, educated, reasonable people, despite the violence they've supported or committed. Not all of them. One of the prisoners, a teenager with a 6-year sentence for an attempted suicide bombing, can't wait to get out so he can "kill Jews." One of his cellmates wonders if his time in prison might inspire him to educate himself and do something better with his life. Another man says he's eager to have kids so he can strap bombs on them himself. Other prisoners hope he changes his mind when he actually has kids. A female prisoner smiles gleefully while recalling how she drove a suicide bomber to a Sbarro's Pizza. The bomber killed mostly mothers and children, and when the director asks if she knows how many children died, she guesses three. Eight, he informs her. Eight, she repeats, smiling.

Most of the Palestinians, however, don't seem to relish in violence.  One of them, who was arrested a long time ago for a law that no longer exists (something about belonging to the wrong political party) is downright peaceful. Like many of the prisoners, he doesn't think that all Israelis must die, just that everyone involved is in a tough spot.

The description of the movie makes it sound like the prisons are a breeding ground for the next wave of terrorists, but that's not what I got out of the movie. It almost seems like the prisons are a good thing for the prisoners, giving them access to an education they wouldn't otherwise have (one reads from his paper on Rousseau and the history of France, and they all have to teach themselves Hebrew to use the library), and a chance to reflect on the Israel/Palestine quagmire. Perhaps the plan for peace will originate in confinement.

Chapter 27: Jared Leto gives his best performance since Jordan Catalano in this story about John Lennon's assassin. It's a simple movie, taking place over the three days Mark David Chapman hung out Lennon's castle in New York, trying to kill him. Not much happens, so the movie focuses on Chapman's state of mind. Unfortunately, writer/director J.P. Schaefer stays true to the original story, instead of letting Lennon live in the film, thus resurrecting him in real life as well.

The Substitute: An Italian short film about a substitute teacher who rewards the students for going totally out of control. It actually made me wish I was Italian. Trouble was, I was ushering for this one, so I was in the back with my "natural eyesight," which wouldn't let me read the subtitles. So I had no idea what anybody was saying. Maybe I'll watch this one again off I-Tunes.

King of California: This was my back-up when I couldn't get into Grace is Gone the first time. I didn't think Evan Rachel Wood was that great as the self-raised daughter of a wild-eyed man recently released from a mental home who drags her on a search for ancient Spanish gold (Michael Douglas), and that put me off at first, but after a while I got so into this movie, that by the end I was crying. Eventually I did see Grace is Gone, and even though it had more serious overtones, I found King of California to be far more moving, and more insightful about father/daughter relationships.

Rocket Science: People loved this freakin' movie. Most people who saw it deemed it their favorite of the festival. And I can see why. It's very smartly written, the characters are colorful yet realistic, and it has a good story. But for some reason, I couldn't quite connect with it. It's a comedy, but I didn't laugh once. Instead, I objectively "appreciated" the humor. On the upside, I found the lead actor for my movie. You better not go anywhere, Nicholas D'Agosto. You're mine.

The Savages: A "mature" movie about "adult" things. Not sex. That's juvenile. I mean taking care of an ailing parent. You can't really go wrong with Phillip Seymore Hoffman and Laura Linney, and they star in this one. This is one of those mainstream indie films that walks the line between humor and drama, giving it an "Oscar-Caliber" type feel, even though it's not as exciting as something like The Departed. But hey, if Little Miss Sunshine can be nominated, why not The Savages?

La Misma Luna (The Same Moon): I might have ranked this one higher, except it suffered the same problem as The Substitute: it was in a foreign language, and I was ushering in the back without glasses to read the subtitles. Nevertheless, nothing crosses the language barrier more effectively than a son looking for his mother. And it has one of the best crowd-pleasing closing images I've seen (albeit blurrily) in a movie.

Interview: This year's indie film that takes place in a closed environment with mostly two people. Luckily, it's more in the vein of Tape than My Dinner with Andre. A political journalist (Steve Buscemi) has to slum it by giving up the government corruption beat to interview a Paris Hilton type (Sienna Miller), who is more intelligent than he expects. A well-written battle of wits ensues. What I didn't like about this movie was that the Buscemi character is an obnoxious jerk. Luckily, the movie realizes this, and treats his defeat at Miller's hands as a triumph.

Three Comrades: This is sort of a cheap looking documentary, and it's sloppy in parts, but the subject material is so gripping that it overcomes all that. It follows three friends in Chechnya who like to drive around, listen to Western rock, film stuff with their camcorders, and look forward to a life full of raising families, working for TV, and chilling out. That is, until the fall of Communism, when Chechnya gets its own leader, who pisses off Russia with his pro-independence rhetoric, and Russia wages a devastating war on the country. Filming stuff during the war isn't much appreciated, and  neither is being Chechnyan in Russia. Two of the friends are murdered while filming, leaving behind wives and children, and one is falsely accused of terrorism and thrown in jail for a long time. A far cry from the opening home video of them rocking out carelessly in the car. 

Zidane: A 21st Century Portrait: When I first started watching this movie, I didn't know how long I could take it. I kept assuring myself that I was about to leave, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. This is one of the strangest movies I've ever seen, and what's most strange is how compelling it is. The filmmakers took multiple cameras to a match between Villarreal and Real Madrid on April 23 (My birthday!) and trained their cameras on Zidane the entire time. No matter what's happening on the field, even when Zidane's doing absolutely nothing, the cameras are on him. So for 90 minutes you're watching one person. And it's a fascinating experience. Even though it's kind of boring.

Fay Grim: I've never seen any Hal Hartly movie, but here was his sequel to Henry Fool. As I understand it, Henry Fool was some kind of serious movie, respected by a lot of Indie types. Fay Grim, however, is barely serious at all, almost veering into parody territory, even though it keeps a straight face the entire time. It takes the characters from Henry Fool - a garbage man/poet, a novelist, an anti-social novelist, and his unhappy wife - and throws them into an international espionage plot. Henry Fool has disappeared. His unpublished manuscripts are actually a secret code for a dangerous terrorist plot, and Fay Grim has to retrieve them. Ludicrous, but entertaining. I could hardly suppress my chuckle overhearing one man who said, "Henry Fool was one of my favorite movies. So it was... hard watching a sequel like this."

Grace is Gone: Now we're getting to movies I don't quite recommend to movies I totally hated. This was the big winner at Sundance, but I thought it was just merely okay. When I first read the description in the Sundance guide, I wasn't interested at all: A man (John Cusack) finds out that his wife has died  in Iraq, and can't figure out how to tell his daughters, so he takes them on a road trip. The only thing that drew me in was "the buzz." One person warned me beforehand that it's slow because of all the driving scenes. Well, I learned something about myself while watching Grace is Gone. I don't mind driving scenes. I was never bored at any point in the movie. However, I did find that the movie has a fatal flaw. The whole premise is that a father is hiding the truth of their mother's death from his daughters. But when he first faced his daughters after getting the news, weird, awkward, and home when he should be at work, they would have known the second they saw him that something had happened to their mom. Especially the older girl, who watches the war on TV whenever she can, and can't sleep, because she's so worried for her mom. Another problem comes when he finally does tell his daughters the truth at the end. Not long into his speech, music comes in and plays over everything he's saying, so that we're basically watching a music video of his moving lips and crying daughters. Finish writing the big speech, for goodness sake! Still, fairly tolerable to watch.

Fido: Whereas the Slamdance film festival is nothing but Zombie movies, Sundance had only one, Fido. The premise is pretty clever. In 1950s America (you know, the sanitized Leave it to Beaver world with a dark underside that movies love), some space dust hits earth, causing the dead to come back to life. After the bloody "Zombie Wars," a company called ZomCom develops a domestication collar for the zombies, allowing people to keep them as pets and servants. The movie does a fine job exploiting this premise. It's just too long, and I never got that into it. If you think you would like this movie, you probably will.

Reprise: A Norwegian film about two young authors, one of whom seems to be suicidal, being all competitive amongst the blandness of Norway... until they go to Paris for a little while at one point. Lots of music and editing in this one, but here was another casualty of my imperfect eyesight. I couldn't read the subtitles, and the visuals didn't tell the story as well as in the other foreign films I ushered.

Chasing Ghosts: Beyond the Arcade: The most predictable, obvious documentary I saw at the festival.  As it looks back at the video game stars of the early 80s, it falls into all the documentary cliches. It holds shots on people after they are done talking, to make them look ridiculous. It interviews a sarcastic video game expert for his snide, witty quips about old games. It is fascinated by mullets, a phenomenon that is no longer funny. It stages a meeting between old rivals who haven't spoken in decades. And it seems to enjoy the pitifulness of some of the characters. I don't understand why it had to add "Beyond the Arcade" to its title. True, it goes beyond the arcade to an extent, but it's not like this is a sequel to a previous documentary that only showed the arcade. Just call it "Chasing Ghosts"! Okay, there's some interesting stuff in here, but this was hyped up, and I was disappointed. The coolest thing about the movie is that the publicists set-up an arcade in downtown Park City, where you could play all these old arcade games for free. Dude, I dominated Off-Road.

Dark Matter: I was as frustrated during this movie as the main character, a student from China who goes to an American university, only to have his ambitious ideas crushed. I didn't believe the way he was shot down, and I didn't understand how he reacted, or the point the movie was making in showing all this. Plus, Meryl Streep gives the dullest performance of her career.

Joshua: Here was another festival favorite that I was totally at odds with. I was miserable and uncomfortable from the very beginning. Here is yet another story about a psychopathic bad seed kid who wreaks havoc on his family, before they can figure out what's going on. Why was someone compelled to make another movie like this, with absolutely no twist on the subject matter? So Joshua is an unemotional, monotone kid, and when his parents have a baby daughter, he quietly goes totally nuts. What he loves to do most is appear in corners when his parents least expect him. "Joshua!" his mom or dad will explain. "I love you, mommy," Joshua will say creepily. And now you can basically predict the whole movie. I'm really tired of psychopathic kids outsmarting everyone around them. It's time to update this genre. Take the entire plot of Joshua and make that Act One of a movie about parents who figure out that their kid is an evil psychopath and spend the rest of the time outsmarting him.

Year of the Dog: When you're dealing with a subgroup that most people can't relate to, you have to tackle the subject artfully enough to give the audience something to go on. Year of the Dog, about a woman who becomes a vegan animal rights activist, doesn't accomplish this. "It's fine if people want to do this, but I don't want to watch a movie about it," one woman said afterward. I felt the same thing while watching it, and I am a vegan. The most annoying part of the movie is that there are never any two-shots. Any time people are talking to each other, we see the first person face on, talking into the camera. Then we cut to the other person in the conversation, face on, talking into the camera. The resolution, though weak, does have my favorite last line of the festival: "This is what compels me on." I couldn't get that line out of my head for a while.

The Good Night: A really dumb movie about a British guy ("Gary") in New York who learns lucid dreaming so he can spend as much time as possible with the literal girl of his dreams. After a bad experience with Vegemite lookalike Marmite not too long ago, I've been suspicious of all things British. Especially if it involves comedy in any way. The British really are too fluffy. And too impressed with themselves and their fanciful use of vocabulary. Stop dreaming and go back to the old country, Gary!

Everthing’s Cool: A tedious, artless movie about global warming. You know you're in trouble when the directors introduce the movie hopefully as a "companion piece to An Inconvenient Truth." You can try to make heroes out of people who want nothing more than to freeze the entire world into an ice cube, but it ain't gonna work.

Fraulein: Maybe this one would have been better if I couldn't read the subtitles. This was the slowest movie I saw at the festival. It's about a woman trapped into a routine, whose life is revolutionized when she hires a free-spirited girl at her company. Another sub-genre that needs updating. When is the boring person going to show the free spirit the joy of routine? Somehow this movie managed to make Switzerland look dull!

On the Road With Judas: Dear lord, what a horrendous mess of an experimental movie. Yet with such fine production values. Who invested in this totally unsaleable movie? During the Q&A, the very odd director admitted that he had no script when he started filming. And that this, his first movie, would also probably be his last. Instead of starting with a script, he had his actors read the book he was to base his movie on. Then, he set-up a mock talk show on a sound stage and interviewed the actors about their take on the characters and plot developments in the book. He filmed this, and used these interviews to inspire what was going to make it from the book into the movie. Not only that, he used the interviews in the movie itself, so that no event in the movie escapes commentary from the actors playing these characters. Horrible.

If I Had Known I Was a Genius: Yet here's a movie even more undisciplined and absurd than On the Road With Judas. Supposedly the story of a kid genius, most of the story is told by the main character, Michael (played by the writer), speaking into the camera. No scene goes by without Michael saying something to the camera. Except one, when his father dies. I so wanted Michael, crying at his father's death bed, to abruptly turn to the camera and go off. 36-year-old Markus Redmond plays the character (himself, essentially) from age six until adulthood. Which could have been funny, but seems here a cheap way out of hiring more actors. The first fifteen minutes or so is about Michael being a kid genius (the credit sequence is of him reading tons of books, proof that he's smart), but then he moves to California, and the movie inexplicably becomes about his crush on a girl. Then, about how he gets into acting. Then, suddenly, he's working at a Cost-co type store. Then he gets back into acting. Then, right at the end, the genius plot comes back in when he finds out what his IQ score had been as a kid, and regrets his mom hadn't told him sooner. Apparently, all this stuff happened in Redmond's life. And like somebody who hasn't taken a second of screenwriting classes, figured that if something happened to him, it could be in a movie and be realistic. Because it happened. Well, that doesn't work, as this movie proves definitively. Whoopi Goldberg is funny, though.

Did anybody see the exact same combination of movies as me? If so, I'd like to meet you, because that's almost impossible.

January 30, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (37)

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