Beat Jeremy Coon

Benjamin Briggs on Jeremy Coon

Though I grew up in Texas, going to The University of Texas never occured to me. This was all that I knew of it:

Which made Austin look like four more years of high school to me, and thus absolutely unappealing.

Benjamin Briggs convinced me otherwise. We'd been in theatre together at Berkner, and for some reason I felt compelled to email him one night after an especially gruelling day at Richland Community College. This led to an extended email exchange in which he convinced me that there was more to UT than this:

Though this was a part of it. A mostly avoidable part. So I moved to Austin.

Strange that Benjamin and I didn't make an effort to hang out after all that, but we did run into each other sometimes. One of the most memorable was seeing Benjamin right after his encounter with one of the angry Jesus advocates who so often loiter across the street from the UT campus.

"I just got a haircut, I was walking down the drag, I wasn't even doing anything, and that woman yelled 'Sodomite!' at me," Benjamin recalled. "Well. First of all, I'm not."

I also ran into him on the square in front of the UT tower one day. I don't know what we talked about (it might have involved "The Prisoner"), but I remember that he concluded the conversation by making an O with his index finger and thumb, peering through it, then pulling it off his face and upward. "Be seeing you," he said.

And now Benjamin Briggs has turned his all-seeing eye to that real life equivalent of Number 2, if there ever was one... Jeremy Coon.

Benjamin Briggs: My name is Benjamin Louis Briggs--I was born in Dallas, TX at the City Hospital (because my parents were distrustful of the newfangled Medical City) on October 6, 1978. My bloodtype is AB. I grew up and lived in the same house in Richardson Texas my entire life until I left for university.

During those first 18 years, I was left alone in the house overnight only one time, and since my parents got into a fender-bender and returned by 9:45, I don't even consider it to count. You could say I led a "controlled" childhood. You could also say that I've spent the rest of my life rebelling, or maybe just trying to make up for lost time.

Benjamin: My life philosophy ranged from staunch childhood Methodism through Zen, Deism, Kabbalism (before it was done by pop stars, I am quick to point out), and even Technoshamanism. If I had to try and sum up my beliefs now, I would just say panentheistic, and leave it at that.

BJC: Ugh, Methodism? That's the worst religion! At least your parents bequeathed you the best bloodtype. Benjamin Briggs, the universal receiver! AB is also the type that allows the most varied diet, if you believe in eating right for your type. Which I don't. How do we know each other, then?

Benjamin: We met in high school, and also attended a film series on Fassbinder at the Alamo Drafthouse in downtown Austin, where we both attended UT. Over the years there we ran into one another on various suitably unscripted occasions.

BJC: How have you changed since high school? Any shockers?

Benjamin: Nothing really shocking, per se--I`ve learned to agree to disagree much better than I could in high school. The messiah complex is gone, but the megalomania still remains. I read less often than I used to, but I go out a lot more often. The biggest change is probably that when I was younger, I was angry at such a small group of people--now, my horizons expanded, I can safely say that I feel an intense mistrust and dislike of a much larger range of the population. Oh, and I've learned how to ride a bicycle. And kill a man with a sword and/or blunt wooden object.

BJC: Which you could only have learned in Japan, obviously. Why'd you move there? For the anime?

Benjamin: Yes and no. Meeting Pac-Man was a huge early childhood dream, which still has yet to materialize. I did get a black belt in kendo, though.

BJC: Wow, Kendo. I bet Number Six wishes he knew Kendo. He could have busted his way out of The Village a lot sooner, that's for sure. Thanks for telling me about "The Prisoner," by the way. I eventually did watch it on your recommendation, and now I love that show.

Benjamin: Glad to hear it! I figured that you would enjoy it. You might want to check out his older series, Secret Agent, if you get the chance. Lately I'm all over The Twlight Zone, myself.

BJC: So hilarious when that dude is the last person in the world and is about to read every book ever written, but then breaks his glasses. That really epitomizes the folly of man, wouldn't you say? Guess none of us are above it. What do you think will be different about your life by mid-2007?

Benjamin: With any luck, I'll have a much more functional grasp of Japanese and be accepted for an elementary school teaching position to begin in late 2007. I may also be working on some shorts by then, as I have finally been able to meet some other people with an interest in film production.

BJC: What do you wish will be different but probably won't be?

Benjamin: I wish I could remember to do my laundry in a timely fashion and wash the dishes every day.

BJC: You were one of the biggest fans of "Good-Bye to the Clown," the play I directed senior year. Tell me a little about that.

Benjamin: Well, there were several factors involved there. First, and ironically probably the least important, was the content of the play itself. As a child (and even a teenager) I struggled with an overbearing mother figure, which understandably made the play speak to me on an emotional level. I have also often been accused of retreating into a fantasy world; an accusation I find difficult to fully defend myself against. Peggy's struggle with reality speaks to me on a very personal level.

A second factor which attracted me to your production was the very act of choosing the play. The vast majority of your readers will not recognize the name of Ann Kizer, but if I`m not mistaken, she was less than enthused about your choice. What I enjoyed the most about the production, however, was that it was marked by your totally unique approach. There were very few people in our class, and even in our school, who could block thrust theatre correctly--I felt that you did a fantastic job with it.

But my attraction came from more than just the blocking and the lighting. For people who haven't met you it's difficult to put your outlook into words: that production really seemed to embody your deadpan charm, but with a surrealistic bent which kept it from becoming bogged down in the melodrama of the story. Matter-of-fact, yet in-your-face. I found it extremely entertaining which is, in the end, the most important thing.

BJC: You also really liked the one column I wrote for The Berkner Rampage, in which I called Berker a fascist regime, which ran in the class of '97's last issue. Tell me a little about that.

Benjamin: My reasoning here is slightly more shallow. The suit in your headshot was fantastic. If I'm not mistaken, you actually wore that suit to a banquet. The fact that you were able to get across an opinion which could only be called "subversive" by administrators in such a way as to get it published was also very impressive to me.

BJC: What was your connection to Nick Stevens, Robby Slaughter and
Duncan Gilman?

Benjamin: I hope Nick Stevens will forgive me if I say that I don`t remember him at all, because I don`t. Robby Slaughter I`ve known since elementary school. He was the first person I ever knew to have a computer in his house, and prophetic in the sense that he once told me that everybody would sooner or later. We were in Cub and later Boy Scouts together, as well as many of the same classes in junior high and high school. His interest in theatre in high school and later campus politics at university came as shocks to me at the time, but he pursued both with the same vigor he tackled everything in his life. (It sounds like he's dead, doesn`t it?) I like Robby, despite the fact that I haven't heard from him since I lost his business card after bumping into him on the way home from Vulcan Video sometime in 2002-3.

As for Duncan, I didn't meet him until I was involved in the Berkner Theatre Department. If I remember correctly, I sat next to him during auditions for Cyrano de Bergerac, where we also read at least one scene together. (I remember that he was wearing a sweater. Or that happened later and I imposed the sweater. For reasons I can`t entirely explain, I always think of Duncan wearing a sweater--even in memories that clearly happened during hot weather.)

[Ed's note: I can totally see that. I love Duncan!]

Once the production started, he was one of the only people willing to talk to me, as I was not taking a theatre class, and no doubt stepped on some sensitive toes as a member of the Supporting Cast. He was a member of my high school OM team and also starred in an epic but ill-fated film production I attempted to put together for AP Chemistry (Neil Panchal's hack-and-slash cut was the first time I learned what a crucial role editing plays in a finished film). We also appeared together in a number of productions at Berkner. Perhaps most importantly, he co-directed Line with me--that production would never have happened without him.

BJC: Who were your best friends in high school and what are they doing now?

Benjamin: Well, my best friend was Taylor Ellis. Or C.T. Ellis, as I believe he goes by now. We had a bit of a falling-out during my sophomore year of university, and didn`t see one another again until three or four years ago. Last I heard, he has two girlfriends, one of whom lied about having cancer in an effort to get attention. I think he said he was working in a print shop.

Leslie Hochman went on to study opera, but I have no idea if she made it or not. I like to think that she did. Scott Donovan is the only person I talked to daily at high school whom I still speak to now--he manages a coffee shop and gets into trouble all the time, for which I blame my sinful influence--he was, to his credit, a very good boy before he met me.

Ryan Sanders, a good friend since kindergarten, went on to marry Jennifer.....somebody, who I argued with every day in choir, at lunch, or both. He`s in the Army now, which I guess means he's in Iraq dodging ordinance. I make it a point to check the List of Dead from time to time, and I've yet to see him on it--I take that as a good sign. There are more people to mention, but as I have absolutely no idea what they're up to now, I don`t imagine it can be terribly interesting to read about them.

BJC: Do you have any bad memories from Berkner? How should high school have been better? Let me rephrase... If you'd been principal, how would YOU have run things differently?

Benjamin: In retrospect, I can see that the Benjamin Briggs of high school would have made a dangerous principal. But, being in theatre, I was well-known without any responsibility to be well-liked; I never noticed this at the time but look back on it as a good thing.

Naturally, Berkner needed more room, which it has now (although I question the architecture). I would definitely have given AP teachers more open reign in determining their curriculum, and enforced No Pass, No Play with an iron fist, assuring my unpopularity with every conceivable faction. I also would have moved the damn band hall over to the athletics wing, to give theatre, choir and orchestra more room to breathe.....and hear themselves think.

BJC: Are you in touch with any other Berkner people?

Benjamin: Not really. Although I sat through an advertising class with Tiffany Taylor, who I played opposite in Laurie's production of Antigone.

And I saw......Erin what'shername (pretty little girl a year under us and, if my friend Justin was to be belived [and who's to say at that age], had a penchant for receiving oral sex on the still-warm hoods of freshly-driven automobiles).....anyway I saw her buying frozen cutlets with a really tall guy at Sam's Club one afternoon before the turn of the millenium. She didn't recognize me, and I was in a hurry to the automotive center (for totally Platonic reasons).

I ran into my friend Nathan Moss a few times at the bus stop--he had some personal problems to work through, but we never exchanged numbers.

My mother obsessively mails me wedding announcements from the Dallas and Richardson papers, but in all honesty, I don`t remember but 10% of them. I was very much in my own world in high school--it passed by me and all around me, but very rarely through me. It shows, I'm afraid.

BJC: How would you compare Berkner people to the rest of the world now that you've been all over? Are we different?

Benjamin: Definitely. We suffered white, upper-middle class gang shootings way before it was chic. That kind of social tension doesn`t just pop out of thin air. Many of the neighborhoods which fed Berner were nationally ranked and otherwise acknowledged while we were at the appropriate preceeding elementary and junior high school levels. There were quite a lot of very brilliant, highly motivated people there. I'm sure that this happens in other places, too......just probably not in Texas.

BJC: Is there anything that stands out about Berkner that might account for so many success and near-success stories?

Benjamin: I can't speak for the entire school, but I was fortunate enough to have several truly excellent teachers every year I was there. Great educators inspire greatness in their students.

BJC: Jensen Ackles is another high profile Berkner success story. Did you ever watch him on "Days of Our Lives"? Do you watch him now on the WB hit series Supernatural?

Benjamin: With very few exceptions, I don`t watch television anymore (and none of it is network telelvision that isn't older than I am). But it was not unheard of for me to click past NBC to check if he was on Mr. Rhodes back in the day. Not because I found the show anything but banal, which it was, but because Jensen managed to look both curious and smug at the same time in every shot he was in.....I felt that was a facial expression worth mastering and using for my own personal gain.

BJC: Was it this one?

This one?

Or maybe this one?

Benjamin: If the rumor mill is to be believed, the proceeds of even that short-lived of a prime-time network program bought him his house in L.A. As Jensen and I never particuarly got along, the only project featuring him I was ever interested in seeing was, to quote Ann Kizer, "some B-movie about vampires or something." I see nothing of the kind on his imdb profile, so I have no idea if I'll ever get the chance. But on closer examination, it's a bit of a stretch to say "Also sings and plays guitar" on his personal trivia section, as I'm sure any cast member of West Side Story would be able to attest.

[Ed's note: Jensen Ackles played "Tony." I should have.]

BJC: Who deserves to have his ass (figuratively) kicked more: Jeremy Coon or Jensen Ackles?

Benjamin: One of my favorite memories of Jensen was during my senior year at Berkner when he stumbled extremely drunkenly out of a car and meandered onto the lawn of a friend's house, screaming obscenities until [said friend] Ryan Sanders exited the house to talk to him. The altercation on the front lawn was too short-lived for actual fisticuffs, but I like to think that if it had come down to it, Jensen would have had his ass handed to him then and there. Figuratively, I have no idea.

[Ed's note: Jensen Ackles was in Wishbone. Ryan Sanders would have paved the streets with his skull.]

BJC: Is there anyone from Berkner that you are trying to "beat" in the way I'm attempting to beat Jeremy Coon?

Benjamin: Since 4th grade I have attempted to beat Celest Villanueva. She beat me out for class president and I never could forgive her. But although she refused to acknowledge my victory, she and I both know that Line was way better than her Senior One Act, so my mission is already accomplished. I hope you can beat Jeremy Coon--revenge certainly is sweet.

BJC: As far as raw talent goes, is there anyone you know who deserves to make it big but can't quite get it together?

Benjamin: Why yes.....me! But I choose to justify not having it together with "life experience research." That and I do actually still plan on trying to tell the stories I want to/need to tell.

BJC: That's my excuse too! What did you think of Napoleon Dynamite?

Benjamin: Until I came back to Texas for winter vacation, my knowledge of Napoleon Dynamite was limited to references I saw in print, which gave me a very skewed perspective on the film as a whole. I really wanted to go to the Drafthouse at the time, but my friends insisted upon showing me a movie "I was gonna love."

By the time the credits were rolling, I was totally confused. How had this become the most popular film in the US, and a new crown jewel in the American Lexicon? Frankly, I was dumbfounded. Given my own decidedly not cool background, I felt I should have found his antics either endearing or hitting too close to home. I felt neither--just an intense feeling of regret that I hadn`t fought harder for that trip to the Drafthouse instead.

I comforted myself with the insistence that a social comedy like that would never be able to follow me back to Japan, but what should I see at the video store not three weeks ago in the New Releases section? Basu Otoko [バス 男], or Bus Man (possibly a "humorous" reference to Densha Otoko [電車 男], or Train Man, which was a popular film/television drama about a social outcast). Even though "Napoleon" transfers more or less perfectly into one of the Japanese phonetic alphabets! A very frustrating experience all around. This is why I am no fun at parties.

BJC: Are you as excited about The Sasquatch Dumpling Gang as I am?

Benjamin: Before I was aware of your blog, I had no idea this film was even in existence. After reading up on it a bit, I have to say that while it certainly sounds more interesting than Napoleon Dynamite, I am still much more excited about Snakes on a Plane.

BJC: Have you or would you ever wear a Vote for Pedro T-shirt? Or are you more of a "Pedro Lacks Political Experience" kind of guy?

Benjamin: Summer is a real bitch, so I would still support Pedro, despite, nay, perhaps even because of his lack of political experience.

BJC: What Berkner grads have you talked to who know of Jeremy Coon's success? Were they impressed?

Benjamin: I've mentioned him to no one.

BJC: How well did you know Jeremy Coon in middle school? What was he like then?

Benjamin: Did Jeremy Coon even go to Liberty Junior High? My old annuals are back in Texas, so I can't check the details. I was really far too busy being depressed and/or violently happy to notice other people back then.

BJC: Well, did you at least know Jeremy Coon in high school?

Benjamin: I didn't know him well. I didn't know anybody very well outside of the immediate circle of crazy people I surrounded myself with.

BJC: How did Jeremy Coon functional socially?

Benjamin: Again, being totally immersed in the politics of high school theatre and the swirling terrors of my own subconscious, I was largely unaware of the day-to-day actions of Jeremy Coon. He just didn`t fit into The Big Picture. But from what I do remember of him, he existed without friends or enemies, but was not a man alone, either. The kind of guy who was never featured in teen dramas during our youth, but is now sometimes the focus of them.

BJC: What sort of cliques did Jeremy hang around? Who were his closest friends?

Benjamin: Jeremy never seemed to have a particular circle that I noticed. That doesn't mean it wasn`t there, though.

BJC: I hear he was close with Bonnie Coover, the girl who broke my heart forever in seventh grade. Know anything about that? Did you know her? Did she say why she broke up with me?

Benjamin: The only Bonnie I remember from school is Bonnie Martindale, with her self-inflicted naval piercing infection she resolutely refused to do anything about. Oh, and she and I went to prom. I still have the odd pang for her. I'm afraid I really can't help you with the Coover girl.

[Ed's note: Bonnie Martindale was a pretty good Bonnie as well. She was in "Good-Bye to the Clown." She played Peggy's fantasy-crushing teacher.]

BJC: What's your feeling about the Berkner community reaction to Jeremy
Coon? Is he a hero to us?

Benjamin: I don't think he'll be a hero. If he had, say, directed the film, or starred in it, things might be different. But only people really interested in movies usually care about the producer. I don't feel that Berkner has its hero just yet.....

BJC: What do you make of Jeremy Coon saying (after high school, but before Napoleon Dynamite), "Rhys was so weird in high school, he was an untouchable, even to me"?

Benjamin: Well, I would have described you as "iconoclastic" rather than "weird."

BJC: Thank you. For that, I'm rewarding you with a softball question. Did you see any similarities between Jeremy Coon and the character of Napoleon Dynamite?

Benjamin: Actually, yes. Both are (and I mean this sincerely, insofar as it relates to the question) totally forgettable people. Jeremy Coon made no strong impression on me; likewise, had I actually known Napoleon, he would have been a sort of background character in my perception of the world. Despite their mutual awkwardness, they don't stand out for me.

BJC: Did you know that Jeremy Coon was a Mormon? Does it make sense in retrospect? Do you think he was hiding it?

Benjamin: After seeing the film, yes. A friend of mine at university once declared The Princess Bride "The ultimate Mormon movie--it has action without violence, is completely chaste, and includes no foul language to speak of." And although I have no idea if Mormons were directly or indirectly related to its production, I've never liked that film. But Napoleon Dynamite has that same you-can-buy-it-on-DVD-at-a-Wal-Mart-in-The-Bible-Belt appeal to it. Nothing really happens--the characters are largely static--I felt no sense of emotional risk as a viewer.

BJC: What have your experiences with Mormons been like?

Benjamin: One of my very best friends, Scott, is a Mormon. But while I find the religious teachings (and researching religion, especially as it relates to mythos and personal character guidelines has become a sort of hobby of mine) largely ridiculous, his family has (to my face) never been anything but polite to me. Terrified at times, but always polite. I used to get Scott in trouble a lot when we were younger, and now that we're older things haven't changed much--except that he can get into trouble just fine all on his own if he needs to.

I was never really bothered much by missionaries growing up or now--I`ve seen the ubiquitous pair of them here in my town in Japan, but our bikes are usually going in opposite directions. In short, my experiences with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints have been nothing but pleasant. But I make it a point to never talk about the magic underwear.

BJC: I once considered converting to Mormonism to beat Jeremy Coon with his own tools. I've kind of let that plan fall by the wayside. Should I revive it?

Benjamin: Well, if Jeremy's religious doctrine is to be believed, he's going to acquire his own planet to be god over, so you're going to need some serious firepower in the long term. As far as this mortal coil goes, I'd say you're probably better off throwing in your lot with the Hollywood Kabbalists or The Scientologists if you want to get ahead in the movie business. Or the Masons--but they tend to go government.

BJC: How did you find out that Jeremy Coon produced Napoleon Dynamite? Was it a shock?

Benjamin: I found out from you. I was, to be honest, more shocked to hear from you. Not because I ever imagined that Jeremy Coon of all people would go to become A Big Movie Producer, but because I hadn`t heard from you in a long time.

BJC: Yeah, well, it's a two-way street, buddy. So you weren't surprised that Jeremy Coon of all people became such a hotshot?

Benjamin: My money certainly wasn't on him. Technically, The Sean Connery Golf Project makes you the first person from our class to Make It Big, and since it involved scandal, I think it also trumps Jensen. Did that ever get all ironed out?

BJC: Sara pled guilty and got 400 hours of community service and a $500 fine. I've yet to pay for my crimes. But I will one of these days. Who hasn't made it big from our school that you thought would?

Benjamin: Well, if you insist on saying that you haven't, then you. And me. And Leslie (she really does have a gorgeous singing voice). And Duncan. Arts was really what Berkner had going for it while we were there--I hope to see a lot of big names from our graduating class before all is said and done.

BJC: When will all be "said and done"? When we're dead? That's depressing. I guess death is a more meaningful deadline than a high school reunion. Nevertheless, how do you think you'll fare at the Berkner class of '97 10-year reunion?

Benjamin: I have lots of plans, but they require the utmost secrecy in order to work. None of them have anything to do with successes of mine in life--I`m not ready to impress anybody until I can impress everybody.

BJC: Do high school reunions matter? Does the prospect of one make you want to try harder? Will you even go?

Benjamin: I plan on going if I can work out vacation time to go back Stateside. But no, I don't think they're all that important in the long run, although my opinion may change when I walk through the front doors of the event. I'm certainly not working particuarly hard to get anything special accomplished by then.

BJC: Are you at all concerned with Jeremy Coon basically blasting us all out of the water by being the producer of such a fantastically successful movie and going on to produce The Sasquatch Dumpling Gang and God knows what else by summer 2007?

Benjamin: Not really. But if, like you, I was attempting to beat him, then I might be a little concerned. Still, I think that despite his early success, you have more significant things to say than he does. And the public is fickle. A new, even more inane film may come out in the meantime that causes everyone to forget all about Napoleon Dynamite/The Sasquatch Dumpling Gang.

BJC: By the time our high school reunion rolls around, will everyone at Berkner already know that Jeremy Coon is the big success story? Are they going to be clinging to him?

Benjamin: I have pretty limited access to US local news, which is, I think, the outlet which would be most likely to sing Jeremy's praises. "Hometown boy makes good" and all that. I think anyone clinging to Jeremy Coon at the reunion will be vastly overestimating his power brokerage in Hollywood.

BJC: Will Jeremy Coon use his newfound celebrity to seduce a former highschool crush?

Benjamin: I know that if I were in his position, I certainly would try. I'm just not sure how much seductive power the statement "I produced Napoleon Dynamite" has among Texan late-twenty-somethings. He's going to need more than just a producer's credit--he's going to need a nice car, too.

[Ed's note: Oh, he'll have that. In spades.]

BJC: Do you think there are any contenders from our class of '97 who might possibly out-success Jeremy Coon? If so, who and how?

Benjamin: In the long term, yes. But by 2007, the field is narrowed quite a bit.

BJC: Do you think Jeremy Coon will even appear at our high school reunion? Why or why not?

Benjamin: I think he'll go. There will be someone from the graduating class he will absolutely have to see and gloat over in his success.

BJC: Have you accomplished everything you hoped you would since high school?

Benjamin: Not hardly, but most of my plans even then were fairly long-term. And I've become involved in things which I never would have assumed I'd be doing back when I was in high school.

BJC: Killing men with blunt objects, for instance? In what ways has your life not lived up to your post-high school graduation expectations?

Benjamin: Being an Eagle Scout never got me a job. Or even a second interview.

BJC: I know it's up to me, and of course I have a plan, but do you have any suggestions for what, preciesly, I should do to beat Jeremy Coon?

Benjamin: An entrance is important. Or rather, upstaging Jeremy's is. Even if you lack the hard film backup to undo his success, people are fickle--if you put on a better show, I think you'll come away with more favorable press. In university, I always wanted to upstage a frat party with the use of a gigantic hovercraft, but research into that proved it to be an unworkable plan. You may not have to be quite that extreme, but it might be worth looking into....they tend to be too wide to move down a city street.....

BJC: What about my Beat Jeremy Coon blog itself? It's fairly time-consuming when I'm actually working on it. Is it counter-productive to my goal?

Benjamin: It gives you something more or less physical to showcase how far you've come. As long as the work on the blog doesn't supercede the actual beating of Jeremy Coon, I think it's a positive contribution to your effort.

BJC: What's the road to success? Or are there many?

Benjamin: I think there are many, but almost all involve tapping into the deepest reservoirs of your own self. That being said, though, I think that success does indeed find people more often than the other way around--the trick is preparing yourself to meet that success when it arrives.

BJC: Tell me everything else you can think of about Jeremy Coon.

Benjamin: I think I already have.

BJC: You sure have, Benjamin. "Be seeing you!"

Hillary Bryant on Jeremy Coon!

Spring is here, March will be totally over in a week, and how many entries have I written so far this month? Four? Five? Six at most? Maybe seven if I'm lucky?

Okay. I grant that.

But what am I, your guys's slave? And what are you guys? My brother's keeper? If that's the case, then it's Jeremy Coon who is my greatest ally, because at least he doesn't try to keep me chained to my blog when I should be decimating Jeremy Coon by finishing my screenplay and then selling it and then directing it and then having the movie come out the day before my high school reunion and make a million dollars!

Not that I've been working on my screenplay exclusively. I've been living! How can I write about my life when I've been so busy experiencing it? It's a big, crazy world, and you all want me at my computer for every second of the day? So what, I should write my script about someone who sits around his computer all day? That seems like something Jeremy Coon would produce. Uh-uh. Not for me. Live. Then write. Live. Then write some more. If it were up to you all, I'd do nothing but write! And trust me, the quality of this blog would start to suffer.

But I'm back. I would have been back sooner if everyone had been more understanding about my leave of absence. But I am back. For good. And appropriately enough, I'm returning by posting an interview with someone who really knows how to live, even more than I do. Hillary Bryant.

Hillary is so far the first female classmate of mine I’ve interviewed for Beat Jeremy Coon. This is no accident. She is the first female classmate of mine to agree to an interview. Well. Almost....

I knew Hillary mostly in high school, where we took theatre together. I was the whitest Shark in West Side Story. I believe Hillary may have tried out for the part of Maria. But my, how she's changed.

According to MySpace, Hillary is single, straight, only looking for friends, from Dallas, 5'8", Caucasian, Protestant, a Gemini, a drinker, a non-smoker, undecided about whether to have children, and a college graduate. None of these things could I have foreseen in Mrs. Kizer's theatre class Junior and Senior year, where Hillary and I parroted other people's words, pretending to be people we would never be, in places we would never go, in situations we'd never find ourselves. Who could have guessed that after acting like characters for so long, we'd actually grow up to become real characters ourselves? But isn't life just one big stage?

I'll let Hillary Bryant answer that question.

BJC: First tell me a little about yourself. Who are you, where are you, how did you get there, what do you do, what's your life philosophy, and how do we know each other?

Hillary Bryant: I can’t even answer these questions to myself, how am I supposed to tell you? I’m a hedonist right now, so you can imagine how often I think about how my irresponsible behavior will affect the future. No philosophy but enjoying life. We know each other in passing from Dartmouth on, though we were in Computer Science class together in eighth grade with Mr. Schraum’s flaccid son, Mr. Schraum (sp?).

BJC: Are you stuck in a time warp, the exact same person I knew in high school? Or have there been some changes that even you couldn't have foreseen?

Hillary: Nope. Yes.

BJC: For instance, did you have any idea that in 2006, you would be a fan of The Strokes, Death Cab for Cutie, Hot Hot Heat, or Coldplay (which I learned by looking at your MySpace profile)?

Hillary: I’d like to think that my musical tastes have matured.

BJC: If you’ve changed, how have you changed? Any shockers?

Hillary: Shockers, like pregnancy? No. I’ve changed in that fewer things make me respond sarcastically.

BJC: I think it was in 10th grade when Nick Benoit and I performed a scene from Waiting for Godot for the Berkner Talent Show. I got trapped in the tree, the tree got trapped on the stage, and then you had your piano piece next. People were still laughing about me in the tree when you were pouring your heart out through those notes and chords that you’d presumably practiced for years. I heard you were upset about that. Are you still mad?

Hillary: How did you hear about that? I was so guarded in my chagrin. Not mad anymore. And I would like to apologize effusively for ruining your production of the Nerd junior year. I remember Kizer Soze gave you a C when it was my talent who mangled everything. I’m really sorry.

BJC: What's your job? Is this what you imagined yourself doing 9 years after high school?

Hillary: I’m unemployed.

BJC: How did you find yourself back in Dallas? Resignation? Or do you like it there?

Hillary: I was engaged to be married last June. When James and I broke up instead of tying the knot, I felt the need to return to the only place that felt like home and loving acceptance. Mom and Dad live in Dallas, so I came back here. I like it here because it’s familiar and I have friends here. I’ve lived in Lexington, VA, Washington, DC, and St. Louis. I liked it best in DC.

BJC: Do you think you would have moved to Dallas had you grown up somewhere else?

Hillary: That’s a “hell, no!”

BJC: Think you might ever want to leave?

Hillary: Yes, please.

BJC: What do you think will be different about your life by mid-2007?

Hillary: I’ll probably be working. I’ll probably be in Dallas. I’ll probably have a few more nieces and nephews. I’ll probably be the only one in my family who’s unmarried. I’ve determined I’m going to be the crazy aunt who has ten cats, a frumpy wardrobe, and insane ideas about gifts for my family. I can knit, you know.

BJC: What do you wish will be different but probably won't be?

Hillary: Owning a home.

BJC: What was/is your connection to Nick Stevens, Robby Slaughter,
Duncan Gilman and Michael Aiuvalasit? (the first people I interviewed)?

Hillary: Nick: that’s easy. None. Robby: met him at REACH in fourth grade; took driving school with him; had a few classes with him at Berkner; is now a good friend through Leslie Hochman and Duncan. Duncan: was in choir with him at Apollo and Berkner; became friends through theater class (Mr. Farnsworth’s class); once asked him why Jewish people still maintained that the Messiah hadn’t come (I’m a horrible person, but at that time in my life I had a poor filter of thoughts to words); I consider him in the top ten funniest people I’ve ever met. Michael: pretty much same as Duncan. Choir dorks, all of us.

BJC: Who were your best friends in high school and what are they doing now?

Hillary: Leslie: operatic singer, Krissie Shiroma: meteorologist in Iowa, Ben Briggs (maybe, I don’t know): good question, Mandy Osmundsen: lives in CA, think she’s engaged, Kristin Johnson: hm, Elaine Chen: lawyer at the firm where my father was partner.

BJC: Are you in touch with any other Berkner people? If so, who and why and how closely?

Hillary: Yes, my three best friends all went to Berkner. Rachel Coyle, Stephanie Plagens, and Krissie Shiroma. Pretty tight. They knew me when and can put up with me now.

BJC: Do you have any bad memories from Berkner? How should high school have been better? Let me rephrase... If Hillary Bryant been BHS principal, things would have been run a little differently, right?

Hillary: I hated getting beaten from the secretary of the class office by Elizabeth something (cheerleader). Why were some people considered popular when I hadn’t ever met them?

The cafeteria food would have been better, healthier. To be honest, I was in a major bubble of nerdiness in high school, so I don’t know that I have the perspective to answer any questions of improving the school as a whole. I would have like the arts departments to be better funded.

BJC: How did you find out that Jeremy Coon produced Napoleon Dynamite? Was it a shock?

Hillary: Krissie Shiroma told me. Yes, I was completely shocked.

BJC: Of all people to make it big from our school, did you ever suspect it might be Jeremy Coon?

Hillary: Again: shocked!

BJC: Under your favorite books on MySpace, you say “Mysteries and historical fiction.” It sure is a mystery how Jeremy Coon came to be so famous, isn’t it! Would you say his triumph is also quite possibly a historical fiction?

Hillary: That’s leading question. I would say, yes, it’s fiction started by some bored sociopath who has a hit list that dates back to elementary school except that the truth is attested to by several reputable sources.

BJC: What was better? Napoleon Dynamite or my senior year play, Good-Bye to the Clown?

Hillary: Can’t say.

BJC: How would you compare Berkner people to the rest of the world now that you've lived and seen it all? Are we different?

Hillary: We’re whiter.

BJC: Is there anything that stands out about Berkner that might account for so many success and near-success stories?

Hillary: Beef and grain. We’re healthy specimen fed on good ol’ morality and strong winds of courage.

BJC: Looking at your MySpace profile, I see that Gross Pointe Blank is one of your favorite movies. So I gather you're pretty obsessed with high school reunions? Are you pretty obsessed with our high school reunion?

Hillary: I am. I can’t wait to see people and how they’ve fared. I like making contact with old friends who have lost touch. If life is a string, catching up with old friends is plucking at chords. (I’m so poetic!)

BJC: High school reunions are basically a time for showing off what you've done with your life. How do you think you'll fare at the Berkner class of '97 10-year reunion?

Hillary: Poorly. But I’ll have a damn good time.

BJC: Do high school reunions matter? Does the prospect of one make you want to try harder? Will you even go?

Hillary: I will make every effort to go. The only thing is that I’ll have to bring friends with me. I couldn’t face it alone. Dude, we graduated with 630 other people, and if only half show up, how will I find certain people in a crowd like that?

BJC: Are you at all concerned with Jeremy Coon basically blasting us all out of the water by being the producer of such a fantastically successful movie and going on to produce The Sasquatch Dumpling Gang and God knows what else by summer 2007?

Hillary: I have never heard of this Dumpling movie.

BJC: Is there anyone from Berkner that you are trying to "beat" in the way I'm attempting to beat Jeremy Coon?

Hillary: Can’t say I am.

BJC: Jensen Ackles is another high profile Berkner success story. Did you ever watch him on "Days of Our Lives"? Do you watch him now on the WB hit series Supernatural?

Hillary: Yes. No. I don’t have cable right now.

BJC: Who deserves to have his ass (figuratively) kicked more: Jeremy Coon or Jensen Ackles?

Hillary: Wow. Good question. Who deserves it more? I think only karma can answer that.

BJC: As far as raw talent goes, is there anyone you know who deserves to make it big but can't quite get it together?

Hillary: The Lovell brothers. Did you know Mark? You must remember Ryan. Lara Lovell’s brothers. They were so funny and really dedicated to theater.

[Ed’s note: I knew of the Lovell brothers, and was mildly interested in them, but only because I had a crush on Lara Lovell.]

BJC: What did you think of Napoleon Dynamite?

Hillary: Quirky.

BJC: Have you or would you ever wear a Vote for Pedro T-shirt? Or are you more of a "Pedro Lacks Political Experience" kind of woman?

Hillary: I thought of buying one for my fiancé, but I’d never buy one for myself. It seems a little. . .

BJC: What Berkner grads have you talked to who know of Jeremy Coon's success? Were they impressed?

Hillary: The above-mentioned friends and my sisters. There were a number of Coon boys who went to the same schools that my sisters and you and I did. They were impressed in a “local boy makes it big way” until I remind them that Jeremy was a humanish Pillsbury dough boy with scabs.

BJC: You also list “Much Ado About Nothing” (Dir. Kenneth Branagh) as one of your favorite movies on MySpace. Would you say that perfectly describes the praise Jeremy Coon has received for accomplishments? “Much Ado About Nothing”?

Hillary: Yes.

BJC: Are you as excited about The Sasquatch Dumpling Gang as I am?

Hillary: No.

[Ed’s note to self: Remember Journalism School? Never ask yes/no questions!]

BJC: How well did you know Jeremy Coon in middle school? What was he like then?

Hillary: Not at all. We moved in very different circles. (I can be politic, too. But wait.)

BJC: How well did you know Jeremy Coon in high school? Was he still the same old Jeremy? Or was the possibility of world conquest already fomenting and straining his relations with the little people?

Hillary: See above.

BJC: How did Jeremy Coon functional socially? Did he have a lot of friends? A lot of enemies? Did he ever seem to be dating anyone? Did he ever get into any fights? What did people think of him? Was he cool or was he a nerd? And if he was a nerd, was he, as Nick Stevens suggests in his interview, a "predator among the nerds... who ruled with an iron fist"?

Hillary: I only knew him in elementary school. Wasn’t he on the football team? I’m sure he dated someone. I remember his being not so much a nerd as a socially inept waste of space (and a big one at that).

BJC: Michael Aiuvalasit told me in his interview that you had a funny story about Jeremy Coon. Do tell!

Hillary: He was the only one who couldn’t finish the 12-minute, one-mile walk/run in the President’s Challenge in sixth grade.

BJC: Did Jeremy Coon ever ask you out?

Hillary: No.

BJC: What sort of cliques did Jeremy hang around? Who were his closest friends?

Hillary: Did he have friends?

BJC: I hear he was close with Bonnie Coover, the girl who broke my heart forever in seventh grade, and then stole it and never gave it back. In its place she put a stone. Did you know her? Did she say why she broke up with me?

Hillary: Yes, and I liked her. She hung out with Michelle something. Sorry about the stone-heart, but I didn’t know about it at the time.

BJC: What's your feeling about the Berkner community reaction to Jeremy Coon? Is he a hero to us? Has he finally given Berkner the credibility it's long been seeking? Or is he a blight, a menace?

Hillary: In our culture of ennui, yes, he’s a respected leader. No, Jensen beat him to it.

BJC: On your MySpace Profile, under “heroes”, you say: “I don't believe in having a personal hero. Every person has faults. Once I learn about the foibles of someone whose actions I respect, I cynically dismiss her/him and anything great s/he accomplished.” Does this mean that Jeremy Coon is not your hero? If you believed in heroes, would I be closer to your hero than him?

Hillary: Actually, I wrote “I don't believe in having a personal hero. Every person has faults. Once I learn about the foibles of someone whose actions I respect, I cynically dismiss him and anything great he accomplished.” Jeremy Coon couldn’t be a hero. What socially, economically, culturally, or philosophically enriched thing has he accomplished? Yes, you’re definitely closer to hero status. Damn the man!

BJC: What do you make of Jeremy Coon saying (after high school, but before Napoleon Dynamite), "Rhys was so weird in high school, he was an untouchable, even to me"? Was I an untouchable?!?

Hillary: Standoffish, maybe.

BJC: Standoffish?! How so?

Hillary: (No response)

BJC: Did you see any similarities between Jeremy Coon and the character of Napoleon Dynamite?

Hillary: No, how could there be? He didn’t write himself into the script, and the writers are much funnier than he.

BJC: Did you know that Jeremy Coon was a Mormon? Does it make sense in retrospect? Do you think he was hiding it?

Hillary: Yes.

BJC: What have your experiences with Mormons been like?

Hillary: Missy Franco and I were friends. She was really fun. I had a crush on a Mormon. But he was in love with Megan Kaney-Francis. Think that’s about it. Oh, wait. I was on duty as the house manager at an event featuring religious music and prayer for Texas youth. There was a lot of hugging and flirting. But everyone was very polite.

BJC: I once considered converting to Mormonism to beat Jeremy Coon with his own tools. I've kind of let that plan fall by the wayside. Should I revive it?

Hillary: Does he embrace his faith? If so, do it! If not, beat him by denying everything that smells of religion.

BJC: By the time our high school reunion rolls around, will everyone at Berkner already know that Jeremy Coon is the big success story? Are they going to be clinging to him?

Hillary: Hm. Yes.

BJC: Will Jeremy Coon use his newfound celebrity to seduce a former high school crush? If so, who might that be?

Hillary: Oh, definitely Craig Overby.

BJC: Or will “Lost” (one of your favorite TV shows, according to your MySpace profile) be an apt description for Jeremy Coon when it comes to his showdown with me?

Hillary: I think you have beaten him.

BJC: Do you think there are any contenders from our class of '97 who might possibly out-success Jeremy Coon? If so, who and how?

Hillary: Once again, I have poor prophetic powers, but I would guess Leslie.

BJC: Do you think Jeremy Coon will even appear at our high school reunion? Why or why not?

Hillary: If I know Jeremy Coon, he will make an especial effort to seek the glory of come-uppance from fellow Rams. His success as an independent film financier has been drilled into his head from the time he was able to understand what a toilet’s for.

BJC: Have you accomplished everything you hoped you would since high school?

Hillary: No.

BJC: In what ways has your life not lived up to your post-high school graduation expectations?

Hillary: I wish I were employed.

BJC: In what ways is your life better than what you expected?

Hillary: I never thought I’d get to study in London.

BJC: I see you were a voice major in school. Could you write me a song about Jeremy Coon and then sing it?

Hillary: Yes. If you’ll provide two verses and a chorus, I’ll get it together. With accompaniment.

BJC: I know it's up to me, and of course I have a plan, but do you have any suggestions for what, precisely, I should do to beat Jeremy Coon?

Hillary: Murder for hire comes to mind. But if we’re thinking legally? What about a book arguing for the destruction of the LSD faith. It’s a sham, you know.

BJC: What about my Beat Jeremy Coon blog itself? It's fairly time-consuming when I'm actually working on it. Is it counter-productive to my goal?

Hillary: Keep it up. Right, it’s time-consuming, but if you maintain it, you’ll maintain the momentum of your movement. And when you write your book on the success of a grass-roots campaign to overthrow an undeserved hero, you’ll have most of it written.

BJC: What's the road to success? Or are there many?

Hillary: If I knew that, wouldn’t I be a success? Plus, what’s your definition? I’m successful at getting drunk every weekend and having a blast. But most people outside of Australians would consider me a success.

BJC: In your last MySpace message to me, you wrote, “I have an original script of the Simpson's episode ‘Homer goes to college.’” Is this true?

Hillary: Yes. My friend works for the talent agency which represents Julie Kavner, and he found three scripts in their script library. He sent them to me as a gesture of friendship, I think.

BJC: Tell me everything else you can think of about Jeremy Coon.

Hillary: His mother looks like a Teutonic warrior princess. She’s a subscriber to the Richardson Symphony Orchestra. One of his brothers works as a doctor in bariatrics. Jeremy was not the most impressive or stellar student. He has ugly teeth. Yeah, I think he was a bully, but not a very good one.

Thanks, Hillary!

Nick Stevens on Jeremy Coon

Warning, readers. Nicholas John Stevens always shoots from the hip… even in email interviews in which he deliberates for weeks over the answers. This is how he was born, and how he will forever be. See?

He was my first friend at Dartmouth Elementary when I moved from Irving to Richardson. Even in sixth grade, he was a man who minced no words. His first bit of new kid advice to me was that playing soccer was the only worthwhile thing to do at recess. I’d given up soccer years prior, though, and a few days later, I fell in with a new crowd - a crowd that flirted with the girls at recess. Little did I know, it was Nick who was destined to become the ladies man to beat them all. All, perhaps, save for Jensen Ackles.

My friendship with Nick was sporadic from elementary on, finally blooming in high school when we played roller hockey and Dungeons and Dragons together just about every week. I was Basil Spire, half-elf thief-mage… and he was the best darned Dungeon Master in Dallas Country.

We also spent many an evening at Café Brazil, Dallas’s answer to The Max, chatting up all the issues of the hour. Sample topic: Why do people move so slowly in outer space, particularly on the moon? Is being in space like being under water? Or, are astronauts just afraid of losing control and flying off into a black hole? Or are the space suits just really heavy, even in low gravity? Now, of course, the answer is obvious. But remember, this was high school, and we were still groping. Some of us, in more ways than one.

Nick and I went to different universities after graduating high school, but we always got together for some D&D during school holidays. I'm not ashamed, but Nick would probably want me to point out here that we weren’t the nerdy type of role players - we didn’t actually believe we were fighting real dragons.

Then Nick graduated and moved to Sweden, for reasons I didn’t fully understand at the time. I hadn’t seen him in over two years when I happened to find myself in Prague earlier this year. Prague’s not so far from Stockholm, and I took a low-cost airline flight up to see him. Because of Sterling Air’s draconian baggage weight limits, I had to dump most of my books and clothes at the airport in Prague. But it was worth it.

After a rocky start adjusting to Sweden’s image-conscious ways (they wouldn’t let me sit against a trash can because “that looks bad”), we hit it off just like old times. Unfortunately, I was only there for 11 days, which was plenty of time to take a bunch of photos, but not nearly enough time to finish the game of D&D we started. And no, D&D haters, I was not Basil Spire this time. I was a human warrior.

But back to my previous warning. Living in Europe, even for as brief a time as two years, will change anyone’s sensibilities. For the worse. The Nick Stevens I knew from high school was chivalrous, gentlemanly, and as feminist as a man as chiseled as him can possibly be.

The Nick Stevens of today is all these things and more. BUT. Sweden – as calm and sedate as it is in most ways – is at its heart a depraved swirling cesspool of decadent sexuality and perversions. Type "love" into a Swedish computer, and you're sure to get a "FATAL ERROR" response immediately. No one who lives there can fully escape its corrupting influence. Except for me. I was there for 11 days, and the only thing that happened to me was a little bloating from the unlimited bread at restaurants.

“You don’t believe in God here,” Nick informed me early on. So I was not too surprised when I wandered into the youth hangout “LAVA” one day, and found scores of teenagers openly making out on sofas put there for that very purpose. Just imagine what they were doing when out of the public eye! Probably nothing, since they thrive on the exhibitionism. Being in an environment like that is bound to warp anyone. Even someone as saintly and God-fearing as my friend Nick.

I also think he’s read one too many Michel Houellebecq novels, personally.

I’ve done my best to protect sensitive readers from the bitter truths about human nature that Nick has witnessed all too many times. Perhaps he expatriated to Sweden primarily to escape these realities. Imagine his dismay when he discovered that Sweden was not the innocent land of windmills and tulips that so many think it is. (That’s Holland, by the way.)

Whatever the root cause of the Nick’s frankness regarding sexual matters, I am aware of the generally wholesome nature of this blog, and therefore censored it as thoroughly and as conservatively as I could. Yet for the more sensitive readers, no censorship could ever possibly go far enough.

Nick is nothing if not a crusader against sexuality and unchecked promiscuity. The stories he has to tell are not intended for the weak of heart - nor for the weak of loins - but be told they must. Nick's cautionary tales reveal the reality of the world that you, I, and even Jeremy Coon (to a lesser extent) inhabit. To put on blinders - to hide from the grotesque and the morally deformed nature of this revolving, revoluting blue battleship - is the worst crime of all.

You have been warned. A couple of times. You probably need one more disclaimer. WATCH OUT!

Nick shoots from the hip on himself and Sweden.

BJC: First tell me a little about yourself. Who are you, where are you, how did you get there, what do you do, what's your life philosophy, and how do we know each other?

Nick: Nicholas John Stevens. Stockholm, Sweden. I am an art director for the largest free entertainment/fashion magazine in Sweden, and a mens' lifestyle magazine distributed in Scandinavia.

Without being cliché on a life philosophy, I suppose I just think that people should always do things with every drop of blood and life in them. Do not go half way. Allow yourself to dream and always strive to be the best.

We know each other from elementary school. Dartmouth.

[Ed’s note: Perhaps it was no coincidence that Dartmouth Elementary’s school slogan was “Carpe Diem: Suck the Marrow out of Life.”]

BJC: How did you end up in Sweden?

Nick: I met my girlfriend Kristine at UNT who happens to be Half-Swedish. When we graduated together in 02 we wanted to move to Europe. At first we wanted to live in Paris, but then decided to move to Stockholm first to get a better foothold in Europe by going somewhere more familiar to at least one of us.

BJC: How is life different in Sweden? How are the people different?

Nick: Life is rather calm for this being the capital city of Sweden. I enjoy living here because the topography is beautiful and, while having the luxury of a big-city-lifestyle, Stockholm retains its rural, more relaxed and personable feel.

I have found people are considerably more withdrawn here and I have found it rather difficult to make any close friends at all.

Yes, I have plenty of friends, but none that I am anywhere near as close to as friends from university and before. I can not say whether that is a result of being in a foreign country or if it is in fact the nature of Swedish people.

I suppose you have to put a little belief in the cliche of the obtuse Scandinavian artist. Working in the wee hours of the morning under a burning midnight sun, he drives himself, hairless chest and freshly shaven scrotum to develop his art into its purest form. You may not undertstand what the fuck he is doing but God forbid you do not take it with the utmost seriousness.

No, but more seriously, people hold back more here and I think after they have made their childhood friends they do not feel the need to expand that close friend base as they get older.

BJC: How's the new apartment?

Nick: It has been loads of work. I know that at least if should change career paths at some point down the road I have home-remodeling as an option.

BJC: Will you still be living in Sweden by '07? If not, where?

Nick: It is quite possible I will still be here. That is mostly based on whether my work here continues to be profitable and rewarding. Although, I do plan to move to Paris in a few years. Currently I do not have an exact date on that move, though.

BJC: How do the Swedes like Napoleon Dynamite?

Nick: They do not know anything about it. Zero. I did show the trailer to a co-worker who loves comedy recently and she did not think it was funny at all. Jennie, our stylist, kind of just looked at the trailer trying to humor me with a forced smile, as though she could not hold back the laughter. All it did was make my underarms sweat a little. [Ed’s note: My kind of country.]

BJC: How did you like it?

Nick: I thought it was hilarious. My brother and sister almost died from laughter though and they were quoting the film over our family's entire winter vacation in Lake Tahoe. I was not that taken aback, but I am not going to defuse my enthusiasm. I thoroughly enjoyed the film.

BJC: Would you ever wear a Vote for Pedro T-shirt?

Nick: No.

BJC: Good.

Nick tells it straight about the woman who absconded with my heart 14 years ago, and never gave it back. I had to get a new one. It doesn't even make a pumping noise. Just a weird swishing sound.

BJC: Okay, let’s get down to business. All my readers are here to read about one person, and one person only. As you know, I had a month-long romance with one Bonnie Coover (Let’s call her “B” to protect her identity) in seventh grade. She broke my heart on trumped up charges, blah blah blah.

Anyway. I know she and I were 12 and only went out for a month, but do you think it's at least partially my doing that Bonnie, *ahem*, "joined the other team" so to speak? I mean, of course it’s good for one to discover oneself and so on, and I would be proud if I had any part of that. But could I have been that bad a kisser?

Nick: I was not aware of that fully until just now. Very unfortunate. She, as I remember, was fairly attractive. Considering you were 12, I doubt that you two got the chance to rub each others baby making bits, but 12 is a very impressionable time. I sincerely doubt that your one-month relationship had any direct effect on Bonnie being gay. Besides, if you had known better at that time, maybe you could have arranged a threesome, and that is a major turn-on.

[Ed’s note: How could you even insinuate such things? We kissed a few times. That was it.]

BJC: What do you make of Bonnie Coover being friends with Jeremy Coon in high school? Did she have a premonition of my future rivalry, and was she trying to salt the wounds?

Nick: Since I never really had any very deep conversations with Bonnie I can only speculate. As for future rivalry, I am sure she had no idea. I do not think anybody would have ever grouped you and Jeremy into anything together.

BJC: You never went out with Bonnie Coover, did you? Were you ever friends with her?

Nick: I kind of answered that in the previous question. In the latter years of high-school and into college I consumed a considerable tonage of alcohol so I have destroyed large portions of my brain. That aside, I am sure we never "went out" even in the most loose sense of the phrase.

It is possible, however, that I kissed her once. Oh wait, that was Rebecca Simpson, in college. Pure dementia. By the way, that is another person I had some small contact with from Berkner. Oh yeah, Kathryn Estes too. Very attractive now. Sorry, I am very off topic here.

BJC: What did you hear about why she wanted to break up with me?

Nick: She thought you were gay or bi-curious. No. Really, I have no idea anymore.

[Ed’s note: If there is hope, it lies in the Proles]

Nick Stevens dishes the dirt on Dartmouth Elementary, Apollo Junior High, and Berkner High School.

BJC: Okay, fine. Let’s move on - like I should have done 14 years ago. Are you in touch with any Berkner people at all?

Nick: Michael Choi, Justin Blanton, Casey McLauchlin, Rhys Southan (obviously), Charles John Hoffman V (my brother), Jeff Stevens (my other brother).

BJC: How would you compare Berkner people to the rest of the world? Are we different?

Nick: I thought there were a lot of talented people at our school. Also a lot of wasted flesh. People that had promise or people that I wanted to fuck, etc. Oh, guess it is similar to the rest of the world.

BJC: As far as raw talent goes, is there anyone you know who deserves to make it big but can't quite get it together?

Nick: Big? I could name someone whose work I believe should be recognized. Justin Blanton.

BJC: What Berkner grads have you told of Jeremy Coon's success? Were they impressed?

Nick: I told Michael, but he seemed to not give a shit. Michael is very hard to surprise or impress. You cannot bullshit Michael, because if you did, he wouldn’t even care.

BJC: What was your connection to Robby Slaughter and Duncan Gilman in school?

Nick: I very remotely knew them, but had no connection. I was in band with Robby and maybe Duncan too for while, but I dropped out because the band director was a whining lump of dough that wanted me to do marching band. It just looked too queer for me to partake in.

BJC: Is there anything that stands out about Berkner that might account for so many success and near-success stories?

Nick: They know how to nurture talent at Berkner. Now Coach Dubey on the other hand...

BJC: How well did you know Jeremy Coon in elementary school? What was he like then?

Nick: I have already said that I have destroyed many braincells, but from what I remember he was a relatively close friend. He looked exactly the same as he does now on that picture on this blog (slightly mongoloid). He was always a bit of a class clown. He liked to play jokes on people, especially on the other kids.

BJC: How well did you know Jeremy Coon in middle school? Were you in band with him? What was that like? Was he different in middle school than in elementary school?

Nick: In middle school I knew Jeremy fairly well because we were in band everyday together. He was still very much the same. He was a joker in band. Him, Chris Rivers, and I were all trombone players and usually all sat as the last three chairs emptying spit from our slides onto trumpet players like Eric Rodgers.

BJC: How well did you know Jeremy Coon in high school? Was he still the same old Jeremy? Once you quit band, were you in touch with him at all?

Nick: He may have become more serious about band because he was marching and from what I know you had to really WANT to be good at marching to even be there. That is precisely why I became distanced from him. In band, the nerds were able to form together and create a strong enough clique to drive out simple slacker musicians, like me. I still knew Jeremy at that point but was no longer hanging out with him.

BJC: How did Jeremy Coon functional socially? Did he have a lot of friends? A lot of enemies? Did he ever seem to be dating anyone? Did he ever get into any fights? What did people think of him? Was he cool or was he a nerd?

Nick: Jeremy, from what I remember, was a predator among the nerds. You might even say he was the king nerd. He never seemed to have any enemies, only friends to my knowledge. Almost as though the other nerds followed him out of fear. You might even say he ruled with an iron fist. If you were unwilling to laugh at his jokes or humour you ran the risk of being the butt of his next joke.

People like me were immune, but he had other ways with my kind. Complete ignorance of an individual. Very similar to the African tribes' practice "Leaving out". This is where they would take an elderly person who was of no use any longer and leave him out in the deepest part of the jungle.

I do not think Jeremy ever got into a fight, but I would love to hear about it if you find out he did. He probably would have fought a very small weak nerdy guy in front of a lot of people to be able to further establish his authority.

BJC: What sort of cliques did Jeremy hang around? Who were his closest friends?

Nick: His closest friend was Chris Rivers. Chris was always a very good friend of mine and I think he is a very cool guy. He was built like a Greek god even in middle school and was always good-looking and a real level headed guy. He often wore his heart on his sleeve, though.

BJC: What's your feeling about the Berkner community reaction to Jeremy Coon? Is he a hero to us? Has he finally given Berkner the credibility it's long been seeking? Or is he a blight, a menace?

Nick: It will not surprise me if he completely blows off everyone from Berkner. I mean have you considered the possibility that Jeremy Coon may not show up to the high-school reunion? If he does not show up, do you think they will mention his name in a list of successful individuals from Berkner? Jeremy is a filmmaker and Berkner does not have any filmmaking classes as far as I know. Berker will get its credibility when Jeremy breaks into the mainstream.

I do not know anything about "the Berkner community reaction to Jeremy". Please clarify.

[Ed’s note: How can I clarify? This was an email interview.]

BJC: What do you make of Jeremy Coon saying, "Rhys was so weird, he was an untouchable, even to me."

Nick: I suppose he just did not understand your ways.

[Ed’s note: "Ways"? Please clarify. Oh, you can’t, cause I’m writing this after the interview. Ha! See how you like it!]

Nick Stevens on religion and its powerlessness against the depravity that plagues our schools and our video stores. Don’t shoot the messenger, folks. Nick is merely the messenger. And especially don’t shoot the messenger of the messenger. Cause that’s me. In this segment of the interview, Nick reveals the seedy underside of high school life, a world I never even dared imagine while in it. While Sodom and Gomorrah raged through those once hallowed halls, I was dutifully attending screenwriter meetings at the home of a 70 year old man every Friday night. The filthy abyss Nick offers us a peek into is bizarro upside down high school reality that Jeremy Coon probably never imagined either. In this, if nothing else, we share a bond. Nick also goes on to mention why Jensen Ackles might be the bigger threat. Remember that warning a while back? Well, don't worry, I'm not bringing it up here for any particular reason.

BJC: Did you know that Jeremy Coon was a Mormon? Does it make sense in retrospect? Do you think he was hiding it?

Nick: I did not know. I had no idea. I suppose it makes sense that he never really seemed to have any fun. It is entirely possible he thought being Mormon was a little embarrassing.

BJC: What have your experiences with Mormons been like?

Nick: In high-school I worked at a video store called Doctor Video. That was a nice gig. The entire staff were all friends of mine. Even one of the managers was one of my buddies. Casey McLauchlin, Charlie Hoffman, and Justin Blanton were all members of the staff at one point or another.

At some point we needed to replace one of our employees and somebody had interviewed this great-looking broad (I later learned she was Mormon) that had just moved to Dallas. She immediately took a liking to Casey. From day one Casey was putting his hands all over her tight, firm little body and she seemed to be really liking. She was rather tall and thin and had two small perky breasts that were perfect for a mouthful and then some. Cat-like eyes sat neatly above a button-nose and thick moist lips completed the ensemble.

Turns out Casey started getting blow-jobs in the front seat of his Jeep Cherokee every night that they closed up shop together. She would pull his cock out right there in front of the shop at around 10:30pm and start by lovingly stroking it up and down in long smooth strokes.

"I think for your birthday I'm gonna give you sex, Casey," she told him as she enveloped his erection with her mouth. "Okay," Casey said, and then he ejaculated into her mouth after 8 seconds of immense pleasure.

And of course, Casey finally got to penetrate her as well in the bathroom one night. Only, she could not quite wait until his birthday. This really made me jealous. Casey was fucking more than me (I was not fucking at all). And on top of that, this girl was Mormon. She had told me that she was not supposed to be drinking caffeinated beverages. Apparently she had no problem putting the head of Casey's penis in her mouth, though.

As the story goes, she had been married under a shotgun wedding back in Utah. Her father had forced her to marry the trailer-trash psycho (Mormon) who knocked her up and now wanted to kill Casey when he began to suspect the blow-jobs. The guy was beating her and possibly her younger sister and who knows what else, maybe their child too.

It was an all-around scary situation for Casey. That is when he decided to move on to her sexier sister (also Mormon). Nothing ever happened (to my knowledge), but believe me I had my fantasies.

This girl refused to ever speak a word. She was the same age as us, 17 or 18. I never once heard her spout a single fucking word. I shit you not. The opposite of his sister, who was flirting with everything in sight.

BJC: Okay, but not all Mormons are like that. What do you think about me converting to Mormonism to improve my odds at creative success?

Nick: First of all, I hope you have not decided to convert to Mormonism. The idea is to BEAT Jeremy Coon, not become Jeremy Coon. If you feel that you need to apply constraints to yourself in order to focus your creative energy, then use your own willpower.

I recently read that second book by Houellebecq and in there I think he would agree with you on your argument that Christianity added to Judaism (Jesus) making it a better framework for human individuality and creativity. You took it a step further saying that Mormonism added Joseph Smith. I think maybe you should weigh in Catholicism into your comparison as well.

You have to remember that the Catholic Church has always been very in tuned with the fact that human beings find monotheism to be very difficult. And in the Catholic religion you have many saints each with their own special departments of life in which they have sway. Saint Mary is revered almost as highly as the baby Jesus.

I am no specialist in Catholicism, but I think it would be interesting to see what it has to offer as well. They also have confession. This is a major strong point because it allows the believer to commit wrongful acts and then atone for them by confessing them to a priest. Another strong point is since you are living in NYC there are a number of Catholic churches available to you.

BJC: Rachel was beside herself with joy when I told her that you suggested I turn Catholic.

Nick: I am just afraid of you converting to Mormonism AFTER finding out about Coon. Besides, look at Jensen Ackles. He is just an everyday ordinary Christian. He attends my parents’ church every time he is back in Richardson. Yes, I have been to church a couple of times in the past two years.

Last time when I was visiting TX, Justin crashed at my place after a night of heavy drinking and I wanted to make my mom proud. So, I talked Justin into waking up at 8am the next morning and going to church. Wouldn't you know it, but Jensen was there. After the service we briefly tussled with the idea of humiliating him in front of his little entourage, but decided maybe next time. Considering we had just come out of church and all.

I will never forget the small loosely packed group of young girls and some older guys who just wanted to be near Jensen. Kind of stating, "Yeah, I know Jensen."

We used to play neighborhood football from time to time with him. Mud and dirt scared him. Now I can see though, from an early age he was sculpting his Hollywood career.

BJC: Who deserves to have his ass (figuratively) kicked more: Jeremy Coon or Jensen Ackles?

Nick: Jensen. Definitely Jensen, because he is good-looking too. Even if I were just a drop-out-GED-educated-burger-flipper I could still say I am better looking than Jeremy Coon. Also, I was kind of friends with Jeremy for a while at least.

Beyond that, there is nothing to this day that actually has shown me that Jensen has any talent at all. So, to make it onto TV and not have any talent earns you an ass-kickin' (figuratively speaking of course). For the record I would never administer an ass-kicking to Jensen Ackles, unless he put his soft, sweaty little fuckin hands on me.

BJC: No talent? Check out Jensen in this tear jerker of a scene:

BJC: Nevertheless, you thought Jensen had missed his big chance, right? Tell me a little bit about that theory, and also what you think now that he's starring in the new series by the X-Files guy.

Nick: Well, in the late 90s that was a major opening in the market for that kind of boyish good looks that Jensen has. All he needed was the right publicist and stylist. Obviously he did not get it. Somebody should have at least told him to let a little bit of the stubble show from time-to-time. The new TV show is something I do not know about. "What have they done to our earth? What have they done to our fair sister?"

BJC: Do you begrudge Jensen Ackles for going out with... let’s call her “C”?

Nick: Not at all. He dated "C" a long time after I did. Her and I broke up in ninth grade and her and Jensen may have started dating in 11th grade.

The only thing I begrudge is myself is for not getting to f*ck her. I know that Jensen did. So I begrudge that. I could have been more tactful in my approach. I think she broke up with me because I was moving too fast. She dumped me a few days after a band event where we went to some amusement park.

The evening on the bus ride home I started to gently caress her ass and her inner upper thighs as she lay across my lap. She started to breath a little more controlled. Slow and deep. So, I slid a finger gently under her shorts and into her panties. She tensed a little bit as my index finger brushed along the outer lips of her vagina.

I felt she was moist so I began to pull one of the lips aside to insert my finger inside her when she pulled away and sat up as if she had just woken from a deep sleep. Then she looked at me and asked what time it was even though she was wearing a watch. I shrugged, "I dunno." I think it scared her and even though she did not ever say anything about it, she wanted to break up I guess a week later.

I got her ready for Jensen to slither his way in. I bet that she put his penis in her mouth too. I could never even get her to touch my penis.

You do not have to include those last two sentences on the blog.

[Ed’s note: Uh… just the last two?]

Let's Get Back to That Jeremy Coon Fellow, Shall We?

BJC: So... physically, how would you describe Jeremy Coon? Was he at least somewhat chubby?

Nick: Was he not fat back then? I distinctly remember him being a very large guy. Just all around big. His legs looked and moved like the Tin Man. [Ed’s note: Thank you!]

BJC: How did you find out that Jeremy Coon produced Napoleon Dynamite? Was it a shock?

Nick: I saw his name in the credits as producer and then looked it up on the internet to make sure. Yes, I was a little surprised.

BJC: You told me you saw a lot of similarities between Jeremy Coon and Napoleon Dynamite. Could you explain?

Nick: Well, I do not know if I could say I saw a lot of similarities, but there were some similar aspects. I can not really recall our conversation about it very well. One thing was that Napoleon was in a way a bully or a bit agressive to the other individuals that hung around him in the movie. I would have to say that Jeremy had that streak in him as well.

[Ed’s note: Nick’s basic thesis was that because of Jeremy Coon’s size and aggressiveness, coupled with his dorky interests and social awkwardness, he managed to be both a nerd and a bully, similar to Napoleon Dynamite. *I* have only recently begun destroying large portions of my brain.]

BJC: Of all people to make it big from our school, did you ever suspect it might be Jeremy Coon?

Nick: No, but I do not think he HAS made it big... yet.

BJC: Who hasn't made it big from our school that you thought would?

Nick: I thought you would have some recognized work out there by now.

BJC: I admit, I'm a little behind. I spent most of my weekends in high school going to screenwriter meetings at the house of Harry P, a screenwriting teacher I met at the Dallas community college. Besides hanging out with you and Casey at Cafe Brazil, that was basically my social life. Was that a mistake? Was Harry helping me hone my craft, or was he just trying to get into my pants? Oh, and did you ever make it big off of those crappy headshots he took?

Nick: Well, I do not know if I could say that the choices you made then were a mistake. Do we all not look back in hindsight and realize that we should have put more effort into certain things?

For me, Cafe Brazil was an important step because it gave my friends a neutral forum to discuss relevant issues that we were facing. Anywhere from space travel to music to getting blow-jobs was all fair game. Aside from a neutral battle ground it allowed me to begin something of a social life without club-hopping, and to view the animals in their cages at a safe distance. Of course I always had the opportunity to put my hand in-between the bars.

For you, as a writer you have to experience things to be able to communicate your feelings with any kind of authenticity. So, the experiences you took from those Preston meetings and Cafe Brazil are yours to digest, regurgitate, and worth-assess.

No, I am still waiting for that call on the headshots.

BJC: High school reunions are basically a time for showing off what you've done with your life. How do you think you'll fare at the Berkner class of '97 10-year reunion? Probably helps that you've been jetting all around the world, huh?

Nick: I will be more of a casual observer than anything else. I am extremely interested in this potentially poignant moment for many people where they get the opportunity to really show everyone how wonderful they turned out despite what they were ten years ago. I am very curious to see the personalities. This will be an event rich with material. As an artist you simply can not pass this up.

I think most people will remember who I am even though I was kind of in no special classification or clique when I was in high-school. However, I do not think I will remember many people. I have gotten very bad with names and I did not really pay that much attention to people that were not either good friends or girls that I wanted to fuck.

[Ed's note: Well, that still has to be most of the school, right? BAM! ... You weren't choosey with your good friends is the stinging implication to that barb!]

BJC: Do high school reunions matter? Does the prospect of one make you want to try harder? Will you even go?

Nick: As I just said, I think I have to go. If it is not the most ridiculous party I have ever been to, okay, I can leave. No big deal. But it is worth going to see what the buzz is about these things and why it is such an important moment to so many people. I do not want to try harder just because there is a reunion. I will be where I am in life when that time comes. My drive to excel in my field does not come from the need to impress people from my past. I do it because I have to.

BJC: Are you at all concerned with Jeremy Coon basically blasting us all out of the water by being the producer of such a fantastically successful movie and going on to produce more?

Nick: At the reunion it will be interesting to see if he does sink our battleships. In that context he may and if he does, for me, that will be just another interesting part of the event as a whole. Will there be banners hanging with welcome home Jeremy or a vote for most successful graduate... I don't know.

BJC: Do you think there are any contenders from our highschool who might possibly out-success Jeremy Coon? If so, who and how?

Nick: You could do it. You might even say, in certain circles, you already have. I guess success has to be based on a combination of money and celebrity. You have to have the perfect mix. You might do it with this documentary/film/performance art you are creating here. The climax will definitely be coming in 07. Very interesting. I WOULD NEVER MISS THIS REUNION. Not if I were on my death bed. I would have Michael wheel me in.

BJC: Do you think Jeremy Coon will even appear at our high school reunion? Why or why not?

Nick: Scary thought that he would not appear. But, I mean come on, HE WILL BE THERE. Unless he is working on a huge film and has a tight deadline. [Ed’s note: That would be just like him.]

BJC: Have you accomplished everything you hoped you would since high school?

Nick: I would never have imagined what I would be doing by now back then. Never. I love it. I am having a great time and look forward to each day.

BJC: In what ways has your life not lived up to your post-high school graduation expectations?

Nick: I thought I would be fucking more. [Ed’s note: I hope you don’t kiss your girlfriend with that mouth.]

BJC: By the time our high school reunion rolls around, will everyone at Berkner already know that Jeremy Coon is the big success story? Are they going to be clinging to him?

Nick: Yes, I think most of the people will know Jeremy has made at least one successful film. As of right now, that would, I guess, make him the highroller of '97. But do you think he will try to use his celebrity to have sex with a girl that used to be popular and good-looking back in 97? I think he might.

BJC: I know it's up to me, and of course I have a plan, but do you have any suggestions for what, preciesly, I should do to beat him?

Nick: Remember. Jeremy Coon was only the producer. As far as I am concerned that just means he had the money. Rhys, Casey and I both always said we knew that someday your work would be appreciated. You have a purity to your ideas that has universal appeal. Both imbeciles (Casey) and geniuses (me) can enjoy your wit. Plus, always remember, when it comes to looks you have a much better chance of getting laid than Jeremy. And in this day and age sex is a very powerful force. [Ed’s note: Apparently.]

BJC: What about the blog itself? It's fairly time-consuming. Is it counter-productive to my goal?

Nick: I think it is beautiful.

BJC: What's the road to success? Or are there many?

Nick: Depends on who you are. Many for some. None for others. I would say you have a few options. You are a talented writer living in New York, experiencing life. Sounds like you are on the right track.

BJC: Tell me everything else you can think of about Jeremy Coon.

Nick: I saw a picture of him on the internet at a Napoleon Dynamite premier wearing a tux. I think it was the same rent-a-tuxedo we wore at the concert we played in San Antonio in middle school symphonic band.

That's all the question I have for now. Thanks, Nick!

Robby Slaughter on Jeremy Coon: "How'd this nihilistic slacker make it big?!"

Robby Slaughter has followed my post-Berkner career more closely than anybody I know. He was there for Good-bye to the Clown (my farewell to high school opus), Sean Connery Golf Project, Who is Jim Holt?, Stuck in Delaware, and visited me in Prague this spring. Sorry I made you stay in a hostel, Robby, but things were really crazy!

Jesus, he even went to a meeting of my cranky anti-age based laws UT Student Organization "Under 21" - and that, if nothing else, makes him one of a kind. I wouldn't be surprised if he happened across a shredded manuscript of No Whey: The Case Against Caseinate, the animal rights book Joe and I started back when we thought that soy-cheese thickening milk proteins were the most pernicious evil on the planet. Or, at least, thought we would be able to argue that. So it makes sense that Robby is the second person to get drilled for his Jeremy Coon musings.

You'll notice that a lot of my questions for Robby are the same ones I asked Duncan. That's because I got lazy and told Robby to read Duncan's interview and answer those questions first. Then I came up with a few more. It's not like I intentionally kept those quesitons from Duncan. I just hadn't thought of them yet. But please, let's let Robby speak for himself.

Q: First tell me a little about yourself. Who are you, where are you, how did you get there, what do you do, what's your life philosophy, and how do we know each other?

A: I'm Robby Slaughter. I now live in Boston, Massachusetts with my girlfriend, where I work as a software developer. I just got back from a year long backpacking trip in Europe. My philosophy is that all practical problems are design problems. I went to high school with Rhys Southan, and due to various overlapping interests in being outrageous, we've crossed paths many times.

Q: You first met or knew of Jeremy Coon in high school, right? Did he change at all during the time you knew him?

A: Jeremy Coon and I both played trombone for the Berkner High School Marching Ram Band. There were two distinct types of trombonists back then (and sources indicate this has always and continues to be true): the cool kids who slacked off, sought out trouble, and were mostly in the band for the parties and field trips, and the nerdy kids who actually practiced, told clean jokes, and had an earnest interest in "the music". Coon and myself were in different groups. I will leave it as an exercise for the reader to determine which. [Ed's note: Jeremy Coon was in the former group, and Robby was in the latter.]

Q: Were you friends with him at all? What did you think of him? Was your impression of him more positive or negative?

A: He was cool in a time when irresponsibilty was in style. Our interaction was strictly limited to band (we had no classes in common), and I think everything he said to me was either neutral or derrogatory. I certainly envied his jovial lifestyle, but I did not want to be him.

Q: Physically, how would you describe Jeremy Coon? Fat?

A: He was big. I'm 5'10 myself, and I remember he and his band friends towering over myself, and especially the younger players. He might have been a little pudgy, but I was overweight myself in those days so I wouldn't be prone to notice. [Ed's note: Why won't anybody just come out and say it? Jeremy Coon was fat!]

Q: Do you wish you'd been better friends with Jeremy Coon in high school now that he's made it so big?

A: In some respects, I do, but to explain I have to interpret "made it big" in an exceedingly specific way. I don't care that he's popular, just that he's become quite successful in a field that I know so little about. I also wish I had better ties with Berkner grads who became big time lawyers, doctors or buffalo ranchers, just so I could pump them for stories about their life. I don't know any big time movie people, which makes participating in this interview a thinly veiled insurance policy. Go Rhys go!

Q: How did Jeremy Coon function socially in high school? Did he have a lot of friends? A lot of enemies? Did he ever seem to be dating anyone? Did he get into any fights? Was he cool or was he a nerd?

A: He was hip and happening, but only in the slacker circle. American high schools, for blog readers calling in from Cambodia, are like tiny countries filled with warring factions called cliques. I was with the nerds (though I made a few sweeping career moves toward the populars and the thesbians in my senior year), and Coon was with the slackers.

Coon epitomized the slacker life, but did not lead that group. I don't think he was ever in any honors courses, and while he picked on people, usually doing so was just too much work. The slackers were also well known for their interest in pot and beer. I can't assert that Coon ever partook, but it would fit the stereotype.

If he ever dated anyone, it was no one I knew. [Ed's note: Yeah. No one I knew, either.]

Q: What sort of cliques did Jeremy hang around? Who were his closest friends?

A: I'd put him in the slacker group. He knew two of the Wiedemier brothers (Matt & David), Chris Roberts (unsure about that last name) and Bonnie Coover (who is even cooler now than she was in high school). [Ed's note: BONNIE COOVER?!?! Robby has to know this is a serious cheapshot, bringing Bonnie up like this. Especially talking about how cool Bonnie is now. She was my first girlfriend in 7th grade... and my last girlfriend until after I got out of college. Yep, her breaking up with me after a month of "going together" devastated me so badly that it took me 11 years to recover to the point where I could actually be in a relationship. One could argue that Bonnie Coover more or less set my life on a path of self-destruction, frustration and woe that hasn't fully abated even today. But perhaps the loneliness and fear were good for me by forcing me to become an outsider, an astute observer of the human condition, full of wry commentary and unthinkably brilliant satire. Hogwash! I want my life back! Was it my fault for over-reacting to the typical middle school relationship cycle of going to a school dance together, making out a few times, and then ending it all forever without warning? NO! I only did what any reasonable boy in love would have done. I held a torch for 11 years. My only regret is that I didn't hold it longer (Just kidding, Rachel!). But seriously, what did I do wrong, Bonnie? Was I a prude? If that's the case, it's only because it was my first relationship. I was scared! All I want to know is what I did. And then, perhaps, I can finally move on. P.S., to Robby: Do you still talk to Bonnie Coover? Does she ever say anything about me?]

Q: Did you know that Jeremy Coon was a Mormon? Does it make sense in retrospect? Do you think he was trying to hide it?

A: No way, and I was stunned to find out. I knew some Mormons in high school and college and they were completly unlike Coon. Coon never seemed ardent about anything, except leading a life of leisure. Maybe he was a spy for LDS in the slacker world, trying to convince people that exaltation is better than bong hits. I think he might have gotten more into it later in life. Or, it's possible that I have entirely misjudged him. Am I safe from libel yet?

Q: What have your other experiences (if any) with Mormons been like?

A: Weird. I once met a smokin-hot gal with a bright future as a software developer, who wanted nothing more than to meet a nice Mormon man, get out of the industy, and have his babies. She even admitted to pursuing a techincal degree in college to "meet more men".

Q: Did you ever hear about Jeremy Coon getting on America's Funniest Home Videos?

A: Nope, and I'll never mention it again. If someone asks me about it, I'll be sure and say that I heard it was crap. Go Rhys Go!

Q: Do you see any similarities between Jeremy Coon and Napoleon Dynamite?

A: I haven't seen Napoleon Dynamite. Doing so would increase the challenge, however slightly, of Southan's holy mission to unseat Coon from the throne of legend. I heard it sucks. Yeah, that's it. Napolean Dynamite sucks. Don't go see it. And if you already did, try and forget it. [Ed's note: Though I appreciate the sentiment, you should probably just see the damn movie, Robby]

Q: Years after high school, Jeremy Coon was quoted as saying, "Rhys was so weird in high school, he was an untouchable, even to me." You knew me in high school. What do you make of that? Spite or candor?

A: How about, "accuracy in reporting"? Rhys, you *were* weird in high school, and you continue to be weird today.

Weren't you the guy in high school who shaved half his face for shock value? And didn't you intentionally have your name mispronounced at graduation? [Ed's note: At my graduation, I intentionally told the annoucer an incorrect pronunciation for my name -- "Rice Soothin."] What about that incident with the sock puppet and the crate full of syringes? Okay, maybe I made that last one up.

The weirdness continuith. Nobody else is trying to Beat Jeremy Coon! Nobody else ever co-wrote a song called "Murder's Okay if it's Just Because". [Ed's note: Joe will kill me if I let that one pass. I actually only wrote one line in that song, and that was the most I contributed to any song in Who is Jim Holt?. Joe wrote all the songs, except for "Jim Holt's Song to the Jury," which he co-wrote with Michael Bluejay. I merely wrote the script.] You not only broke into Sony Pictures, you convinced a sweet, innocent young woman to join you, who is now paying for your crimes while you escape justice by avoiding the State of California. Sounds like pretty weird stuff, especially for a guy hired by the famously level-headed Reason magazine.

Q: How would you compare Berkner people to the rest of the world? Are we different?

A: We're pretty similar to other suburbanite kids, especially those from red states. But most people aren't suburbanites, which makes us pretty unusual. Most Berkner graduates are probably among the world's richest 10%.

Surprisingly, I bet most Rams [Ed's note: Berkner's mascot is the mighty Ram] aren't that hard working and tend to be quite apathetic socially and politically. Our school system, like most in wealthy areas, was not all that academically rigorous. It took real effort to fail. I think this produced graduates who expected that a nonchalant attitude would carry them forward for the rest of their life.

Q: When and how did you find out that Jeremy Coon produced Napoleon Dynamite? Was it a shock?

A: At first I assumed it was false---that somebody else named Jeremy Coon was responsible. Surely somebody who was in Symphonic I or Symphonic II, not a guy who spent almost all of his high school career in the Concert I band could be a producer for a full-blown Hollywood film! I was convinced when I saw his mugshot on the net.

Then I thought little of it. I unfortunately passed the news on to other Berkner grads before I learned of your jihad against Coonism. Ah, the pang of regret.

Q: What Berkner grads did you tell of Jeremy Coon's success? Were they impressed?

A: Just a handful---Michael Aiuvalaist, Leslie Hochman, Duncan Gilman, and Lara Lanham. They were all suitably impressed. [Ed's note: Interesting, because in his interview, Duncan claimed to have heard about it from his parents. Did he remember wrong, or did he politely mislead Robby into thinking he was the first to tell him the exciting news?]

Q: What's your feeling about the Berkner community reaction to Jeremy Coon? Is he a hero to us? Has he finally given Berkner the credibility it's long been seeking? Or is he a blight, a menace?

A: I haven't seen the film (and I can't, for aforementioned reasons), so I really don't know. If it really is tripe - full of typical, tired characters, standard gags and uncreative nonsense, like, say, a screenplay for an unmade film tenatively titled "Sean Connery Golf Project" - then he's no hero. He's a scorn on society, who, like most Berkner grads, is part of the problem. Coon's actually worse in this case, because he's popularized something mediocre.

But if it's good, he's good. But we won't discuss that, since we're all here to support the beating of Jeremy Coon.

Q: By the time our high school reunion rolls around, will everyone at Berkner already know that Jeremy Coon is the big success story?

A: It depends a great deal on Coon. Movies have wide appeal, so there's no reason why everyone at the reunion would not have seen it. Therefore there's a fairly fluid channel for Coon to promote himself.

This would be in contrast to say, Class of 97 graduate Ryan Sanders, who I understand is working toward a PhD in English with an emphasis on Shakespeare. If he writes a great book on the Bard, even one not designed for academics, it won't trickle through the grapevine very fast no matter how much he promotes himself. Alack!

Q: Of all people to make it big from our school, did you ever suspect it might be Jeremy Coon?

A: No way. I would put him in the bottom third, if not the bottom ten percent of my guess. He's not even in the "so crazy it just might happen category". That slot is reserved for Rhys Southan. [Ed's note: Thanks... I guess!]

Q: Who hasn't made it big from our school that you thought would?

A: Duncan Gilman is a big one; he's got more talent for funny words than anyone I know. I think we all thought Grace Lin would either crack or continue to excel, rumor has it the former occured. I kind of thought Matt Groves would be a champion soccer player. That's about it. Oh, does Sam Mohan own a couple of hotels, some porno magazines, and have three strippers for girlfriends yet?

Q: Do you think there are any contenders from our highschool who might possibly out-success Jeremy Coon? If so, who and how?

A: If by "success" you mean "fame", then I think it seems difficult at this point. People rarely move from obscurity to fame when they are old, and time is running out. Jensen Ackles, who was a year ahead of us and had a few roles on television shows still has a chance. That's about it. The chances are slim for everyone else. [Ed's note: There's a reason this site isn't called Beat Jensen Ackles. Can anyone say "flash in the pan"?]

Q: One thing I've heard from people is that Jeremy Coon didn't write, direct or star in Napoleon Dynamite, and those are the most important things. How's this for a tactic - Jeremy Coon's not all that great because all he did was produce and edit a movie that happened to be good, little thanks to him?

A: I don't know. I've never really worked in the industry, and "producer" always sounds like a bogus credit. It's pretty clear what the writers, actors, and directors do.... what does the producer do? In a lot of cases, isn't the producer just the investor who gets his fingers in everything because he controls the money?

But regardless, how important is it to disparage Coon? Seems like beating him is more about doing something more impressive rather than badmouthing what he has already accomplished. [Ed's note: Touche.]

Q: High school reunions are basically a time for showing off what you've done with your life. How do you think you'll fare at the Berkner class of '97 10-year reunion?

A: I think my trip to Europe will confuse and impress people. I'm really more interested in seeing what happened to everyone else (and what they made happen, should that have occured) than I am in what they think of me. I might just make up a really boring story to avoid my end of the conversation.

Q: Do high school reunions matter? Does the prospect of one make you want to try harder? Will you even go?

A: Are you kidding? They totally matter. Back then there were SAT scores, class rank, Prom king and queen, who dates who and who got the most signatures in the yearbook. You thought it was over? The reunion is coming up for one more shot at putting you in your place, ordering us all in the great chain of being that is high school. Of course I'm going. I don't have nearly the self confidence necessary to stay away.

High school is a microcosm of the real world. The details are different----nobody schedules closed-book tests two weeks in advance in real life (it's all open-book pop quizzes, baby) and there's a lot less hand holding, but the principles are the same. Authority still stupidly rules the landscape, bullshit abounds, brownnosing works, and bucking the system is an futile, albeit entertaining pasttime. Reunions are a chance to see how everyone survived the awkward transition to real life, when they had to actually learn to worry about everything. This is especially true for us suburbanites. I think it'll be a hoot.

Q: Are you at all concerned with Jeremy Coon basically blasting us all out of the water by being the producer of such a fantastically successful movie and going on to produce more?

A: Again, that depends on whether it sucks or does not suck. If it does, it's a bad name for Berknerites everywhere. If it does not suck, it's bad for my friend Rhys Southan, in whose basket I have placed most of my hollywood connection eggs. (Duncan, you still have a few.) [Ed's note: Newsflash, Robby: it does not suck.]

I don't think we need to worry about catching up though. Mass culture means mass appeal, and mass appeal creates the celebrity effect. The only reason Coon is famous is because movies are expensive to make, so the industry is very centralized and inbred and the viewing public has to include everybody to cover the costs. I think in the future, we'll have less big studio pictures because you'll be able to make a great movie with all the trimmings for cheap enough to not need millions of eyeballs to pay for it. In the future, nobody will be famous.

Q: Do you think Jeremy Coon will even appear at our high school reunion? Why or why not?

A: It depends on his career strategy. Some filmmakers are complete publicity sluts---they have to be because they need the money. A good example is Kevin Smith, who in his early days would do an appearance at the drop of a hat. Other people are mysterious savants, like Terence Malick, who flies in from his isolated retreat on an uncharted Pacific island once every twenty years to make the Most Important Film Ever.

If Coon's looking to make bigger movies for wider audiences with larger budgets and more creative control, he has to become better known. That means coming to the reunion and milking it for all it's worth. But if he wants to be artsy and weird, or if he doesn't need to sell out (any more than he already has---Go Rhys go!)---then he can create more mystique by not showing up.

Q: Have you accomplished everything you hoped you'd hoped you would since high school?

Not by a longshot. But then again, half of the things I wanted to do out of high school were stupid ideas. If I can continue to dismiss half of my old ideas at this rate, by 2015 I will have accomplished everything I set out to do simply by continuing to breathe.

I think the implied question here is: "Does Coon's accomplishment make you feel small, unfocused, and incapable of success?" Of course the answer is yes. But I bet Coon did not leave high school with the plan to make this film. I bet it kind of fell into his lap, and he made it happen. I'm not saying there was no creative inspiration or hard work [Ed's note: that's my job], but it's probably not the realization of a lifelong dream. If it were, we could all envy him for having a vision, a passion, and a success story to tell.

Q: In what ways has your life not lived up to your post-high school graduation expectations?

A: I think I expected to learn and know more than I have in this time. That's partially because I have not worked all that hard, partially because I'm stubborn and pigheaded, but mostly because all of the systems and processes in and around my life don't readily support progress. I haven't designed my life to meet my goals---I've just tried to meet them, which is really hard, because the old habits keep getting in the way.

I also expected to change less. I've changed far more than I would have ever imagined. I used to be fat with six arms, and now..... I don't think the way I used to, about the things I used to think about, and many of my behaviors are far more polished. I wonder how Coon has changed, if at all. Does knowing aid in the beating?

Q: I know it's up to me, and of course I have a plan, but do you have any suggestions for what, preciesly, I should do to beat him?

A: Pick a project and do your best. All of your past projects have been pretty good ideas that seem to have reached their full potential creatively, just not commerically. It seems like the people who have done well (such as Morgan Spurlock of "Super Size Me") not only have great projects but are tireless self-promoters.

Q: What about the blog itself? It's fairly time-consuming. Is it counter-productive to my goal?

A: Well, I think the blog is a great idea, but I think you need to focus more on the project at hand. Out of 29 blog entries, only 11 have been at least tangentially related to toppling one Coon. On top of that you're contributing to another blog and I hear, chasing lots of tail [Ed's note: a complete lie. I'm happily attached]. Focus, man! How am I going to know a big a time hollywood producer if you spend all your time grinding flaxseed and pretending to be a New Yorker?

Is the blog going to become a film project in itself? Will you make a documentary about Beating Jeremy Coon that will in fact, be the project which launches you into stardom ahead of the Coonster? That could be a fun idea.

Q: Tell me everything else you can think of about Jeremy Coon.

A: I got him involved in an endeavor to play in an ensemble entry in band. We were required to compete annually in a regional Solo & Ensemble contest, which I abhorred because (a) art is not a competition, and (b) you had to pick from an approved list of pieces all written before America was founded. So, I decided to arrange Pink Floyd's "The Wall" for four trombones. Nerdy, yes? Coon got involved because as a slacker, he loved Floyd and especially a song whose lyrics include "we don't need no education". I don't know if we ever discussed the irony openly.

I do remember, though, that he complained about the tedium of his part. Maybe having to slave away under my "direction" inspired him to rise up and lead a production later in life. If so, I have an even greater responsiblity here. BEAT JEREMY COON!

I will! Thanks, Robby!

Duncan Gilman on Jeremy Coon

I'm starting a new feature on Beat Jeremy Coon: Interviews with Berkner High School Alumni who knew Jeremy Coon - even just tangentially - before he was THE Jeremy Coon... and sometimes afterward as well. Their observations on Jeremy Coon will be candid, humorous and sometimes a little surprising.

I'm kicking off the interview series with Duncan Gilman, an old theater buddy of mine from middle and high school who studied film with me at the University of Texas. We went to Austin, Arkansas together to film Where are We?, the best documentry to come out of Karen Kocher's small format video class. Now he's a video editor in California. When you're doing reading the interview, check out his blog: Here's the Thing.

Q: First tell me a little about yourself. Who are you, where are you, how did you get there, what do you do, what's your life philosophy, and how do we know each other?

A: I'm Duncan Gilman.  I grew up in Richardson, TX and went to junior high and high school with both Rhys Southan and Jeremy Coon.  I moved to Los Angeles four years ago and currently work as a video editor for cable television programs.  I lead a happy, optimistic life with a genuine love of family, friends, and fruit juice.

Q: You first met or knew of Jeremy Coon in middle school, right? Did he change at all during the time you knew him?

A: From my perspective Jeremy didn't change.  I had no exposure to him in elementary school and little in high school.

Q: Were you friends with him at all? What did you think of him? Was your impression of him more positive or negative?

A: We were never good friends, but we had classes together; gym was the most memorable.  He seemed like an okay enough guy.  We were all nerds of course, but he was physically bigger than I was, so he had that going for him.

Q: Physically, how would you describe Jeremy Coon? Fat?

A: I wouldn't call him fat.  Before my brother Camden grew a foot, I used to tell him encouragingly that he was "husky, like Brad Schob."  Of course Camden is far from husky now, as I'm sure Brad is.  I'd like to give a shout out to the Schob family.  I love you guys!

Q: Do you wish you'd been better friends with Jeremy Coon in high school now that he's made it so big?

A: No.  For two reasons.  Unfortunately some of my current friends had terrible experiences in either junior high school or high school or both.  Not true for me.  I have wonderful memories of wonderful experiences and wouldn't change that.  Also, I might give this question more consideration if I thought Jeremy's career could be some sort of Coon ex machina that would rescue me from my current job and take me to far away candy lands with Latter Day lollipops and Salt Lake taffy.  Although my path to fame and fortune has been slower than I hoped, I'm happy where I am at the moment and doubt our careers will cross.

Q: How did Jeremy Coon functional socially in high school? Did he have a lot of friends? A lot of enemies? Did he ever seem to be dating anyone? Did he get into any fights? Was he cool or was he a nerd?

A: He seemed to have his own crowd of friends; I'm sure I knew some of them too.  I don't remember him being in a relationship, but I do remember a fight of some sort.  I wish I could remember the details, but for some reason I seem to recall he got in a pretty serious fist fight with somebody.  I could be mistaken.  He wasn't cool.  Neither was I.

Q: Do you see any similarities between Jeremy Coon and Napoleon Dynamite?

A: Jeremy wasn't lanky and had straight hair.  He wasn't quite the exaggerated nerd that Napoleon is.  Jeremy performed the role of that almost lovable goof rather than serious nerd.

Q: Did you know that Jeremy Coon was a Mormon? Does it make sense in retrospect? Do you think he was trying to hide it?

A: I had no idea at the time, but then again I didn't know any Mormons at the time.  I probably didn't know what Mormonism was.  I still don't.  So in fact it makes perfect sense in retrospect.  I didn't really know what to make of Jeremy.

Q: What have your other experiences (if any) with Mormons been like?

A: Excellent.  In all seriousness the few Mormons I know are incredible people. I was a post production assistant for a documentary about a Mormon family dealing with infidelity, AIDS, and homosexuality.  I never met the film's subjects, but the director was an amazing woman who was producing the program in her office in her free time from a regular job.  The other Mormon I know is a beautiful and very intelligent girl named Charity who is now working for Paul Schaffer on the Late Show.

Q: Did you ever hear about Jeremy Coon getting on America's Funniest Home Videos?

A: I did hear about that.  Maybe I was confusing a school fight with getting on this show.

Q: Years after high school, Jeremy Coon was quoted as saying, "Rhys was so weird in high school, he was an untouchable, even to me." You knew me in high school. What do you make of that? Spite or candor?

A: When did he say that?  What was the context?  Everyone was weird in high school.  I saw the humor in your weirdness and didn't connect it with any sort of untouchability.  Probably spite.  Jeremy only wishes they had pronounced his name "Juramy Cone" at graduation. [Ed's note: At my graduation, I intentionally told the annoucer an incorrect pronunciation for my name -- "Rice Soothin."] 

Q: When and how did you find out that Jeremy Coon produced Napoleon Dynamite? Was it a shock?

A: I think my parents told me.  It did come as a bit of a shock since I hadn't heard anything from or about him since high school.

Q: What did you think of Napoleon Dynamite?

A: I enjoyed the movie.  I wasn't entertained the way I usually expect to be, but it's refreshing to see something that's more unconventional even if it's unconventional for the sake of being so.

Q: What's your feeling about the Berkner community reaction to Jeremy Coon? Is he a hero to us? Has he finally given Berkner the credibility it's long been seeking? Or is he a blight, a menace?

A: He certainly won't raise Berkner to stardom on his own.  I can't speak for the current Berkner community, but I can't imagine they would consider him a hero.  No one I've spoken to does.  The manager of Garbage is a Berkner grad.  Jensen Ackles is a Berkner grad.  Wake me up when a Berkner grad becomes president.

Q: By the time our high school reunion rolls around, will everyone at Berkner already know that Jeremy Coon is the big success story?

A: Several factors come into play here.  He might be a one-movie wonder and no longer a success by the time the reunion rolls around.  And then there are the '97 grads who have no idea who Jeremy Coon is.  Then you have the people who didn't see the movie.  Then you have the people who saw the movie but weren't really paying attention to who edited it.

Q: Of all people to make it big from our school, did you ever suspect it might be Jeremy Coon?

A: Never.

Q: Who hasn't made it big from our school that you thought would?

A: From our class?  Kenneth Lawrence and Celest Villanueva.  But hey, the night is still young.

Q: High school reunions are basically a time for showing off what you've done with your life. How do you think you'll fare at the Berkner class of '97 10-year reunion?

A: I think I'll fare about average.  While I'm not a huge success, I'm proud that the activities and organizations I was involved with in high school have a great deal of relavance to my life today. They were fun AND useful.

Q: Do high school reunions matter? Does the prospect of one make you want to try harder? Will you even go?

A: Memories and friends matter, and reunions help facilitate the maintainance of both.  I don't think that the prospect of going (and I plan to go) necessarily makes me try harder.

Q: Are you at all concerned with Jeremy Coon basically blasting us all out of the water by being the producer of such a fantastically successful movie and going on to produce more?

A: No, I'm afraid of Grace Chen blasting me out of the water by being president of Jackie Chan's production company (and she's on her way).  Out of 600 graduates I refuse to believe that the editor of Napoleon Dynamite will be the most successful.

Q: Do you think Jeremy Coon will even appear at our high school reunion? Why or why not?

A: Oh he has to.  He has to flaunt his success.  I would if I were him.

Q: Have you accomplished everything you hoped you'd hoped you would since high school?

A: Not entirely, but I have two more years to be rich and famous and happily married.

Q: In what ways has your life not lived up to your post-high school graduation expectations?

A: I thought I'd have a much easier time making new friends.  That's more frustrating at this point in my life than my career.

Q: Tell me everything else you can think of about Jeremy Coon.

A: He reminds me of either Beavis or Buthead.  Which one was blonde?  Now Mike Judge!  He's a successful Richardson guy.  I don't know where he went to high school, but he should be our local hero.

Every emphases added was mine. Thanks, Duncan!