Beat Jeremy Coon

Reunion Today

I'm in Texas now, for my 10 year high school reunion, which begins tonight. I know this because I've been plagued by an eye-twitch the past few days, probably from acute anxiety. Maybe it'll help if I imagine my old classmates in fast food service outfits when I see them tonight. I did at least do five straight hours of push-ups today to make up for not having done a single push-up in the last two years. Also, the fact that I'm still here writing this is a good sign, because it means I'm going to be fashionably late to the Berkner Homecoming Game that kicks off this thing.

The only reason I mention all this is that it's what this blog was all about. Two years ago, I was very concerned with how I was going to come across at this reunion. Jeremy Coon having produced Napoleon Dynamite made me wonder what exactly I had accomplished. Nothing as substantial as that, I concluded. So for the next two years I worked tirelessly to do something substantial, so I could go to this reunion and say, "Yes, I did (blank)." And then everyone would say, "Oh, well, that's nice. It's much better than Napoleon Dynamite, actually."

I'm not exactly sure what I did to fill in that blank, but maybe it will come to me when I'm under pressure. It doesn't look that great for me, though. Beyond not having accomplished anything I can point to in the recent past, I don't even have a job right now. If someone were to ask me what I do, I would be at a loss, since I don't do anything consistently. I pick up a bunch of random jobs to scrape by as I work on my (mostly-unseen) writing. The last random job involved going to Japan, which may impress some, and I had a modeling job a week or two ago, but I actually don't know what my next job will be. Maybe something in real estate if I finally get around to filling out my broker's license application. One could make the argument that not only have I not beaten Jeremy Coon, but that I am actually the most lamentable figure of our entire graduating class.

On the other hand, tomorrow is the main part of the reunion, and maybe I'll have accomplished something on par with producing Napoleon Dynamite by then.

But that's neither here nor there, at least as far as this blog is concerned. Tonight is the reunion, which means that this blog is officially over and this is my last post. It's been a crazy ride, hasn't it? I went to Switzerland and New York and Japan. And now I'm back in the land of my humble beginnings, Richardson, Texas. Thanks for reading, it's been great! Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!   

On beating Jeremy Coon

I didn't taser Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, it turns out, but I did make an effort to mercilessly question his logic in my head. For instance, he said that science and education are torches that light the way for humanity. But what if humanity holds those torches for too long? Will we not get burned?

The reunion is just a few days away now. I cut myself shaving, which is usually thought to be a bad omen, though sometimes it signals a glorious windfall. It's a pretty deep cut, too. You know how it is, you start day-dreaming about saving the world and people holding you on their shoulders at your parade, and suddenly you notice the mirror is splattered in human blood. The cut might still be visible Friday. If anyone asks, I'll casually mention that I live in Greenpoint, Brooklyn, the most Polish area in New York. That should resonate with my classmates, because in '96 we put on the musical West Side Story, in which all the villains are Polish gang members. "Ah, The Jets got ya," they'll say.

There's a chance Jeremy Coon might not come to the reunion. If I had to guess whether he's going to make it, I'd say he might come... but he might not. Let me just say right now that if he doesn't appear, he forfeits, and I automatically win.

I did a Google Image Search for "Jeremy Coon," to see how he's looking these days, and this is the photo that comes up:

Jeremy Coon wears glasses now! No way will he want to show his four-eyed face at the re-union!

Also, get this. I don't mean to gossip, but according to sources, Jeremy Coon is no longer living in L.A., where he moved after the success of Napoleon Dynamite in order to pursue his producing career. He has returned to his old haunt, BYU, where he met all the people who came together for Napoleon Dynamite. Hmmm... mucho intéressant. But hey, no shame there.

This is pure speculation, but one reason might be that he is a living legend there, as Napoleon Dynamite may be the most prominent film ever made by former BYU students. People at BYU must now regard him with awe, which probably isn't how they regarded him when he was originally a student there. And what's the point of all that awe if he can't revel in it? It was just hitting the Wasatch Mountains and dissipating, a total waste.

Another reason may be that BYU is evidently the most fertile ground in the country for cinematic creativity. Jeremy Coon no doubt wants to pluck those ripening talents from the Brigham Young vine. I submit that he hasn't given up. He's on to something big.

So this reunion happens to catch both of us at a down moment. Jeremy Coon's last two projects weren't the unmitigated triumphs he might have hoped, and I'm still stockpiling my potential. I'm just not ready to share my potential with the world. Not yet.

Though I did send my script to a producer yesterday, my "connection". If he reads it today, raises money on Thursday, then buys it on Friday, I'll be looking good. If that doesn't pan out, I still have the advantage of two hits in my past - "Who is Jim Holt?" and "Stuck in Delaware" - whereas Jeremy Coon only has one. His one hit is more known, however, which partially makes up for it.

If I had another month, the reunion would only catch one of us at a down moment: Jeremy Coon.

But that's alright. I never wanted to "Beat" Jeremy Coon per se. I just wanted us to have a good time at the reunion together. He insisted on making this a competition, and because of that, he might be a little embarrassed come Friday night when he doesn't have more to brag about. I'm willing to let his antics slide. I just wonder if the rest of our classmates will be so kind.

Fate gives me one last opportunity... but do I have the guts?

There is one way I could for sure beat Jeremy Coon in time for the reunion. As you know,  Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - the President of Iran, basically - is speaking at the Columbia campus tomorrow. The guy's no good. He wants to wipe Israel off the map, which wouldn't even help the Palestinians, since there would just be the West Bank and the Gaza Strip and a gaping hole between them.

Coincidentally, I'm going to be at Columbia tomorrow the same time as him. If I could somehow tackle this guy, or taser him, or punch him in the nose, or knee him in the balls, or break his leg, or put him in a headlock, or choke-slam him, or bitch slap him, or anything to that effect, I would have beat Jeremy Coon without question. With one punch, I would have changed the course of history.

But then there's the danger of unintended consequences. If I were to totally knock this guy out, what if he were replaced by someone even worse? Someone so misanthropic, he denies not only the Shoah, but the entirety of human history? I'll probably use this to rationalize not choke-slamming this guy, because let's face it, I'm afraid of getting shot down. But he certainly deserves to be tasered more than some people.

I do feel like fate has placed this opportunity into my hands so that I can have something solid to brag about at the reunion. Physically humiliating an evil world leader is way better than making a movie. It would be disrespectful of me to let this chance pass. We'll see what happens. 

In the meantime, here are some more photos from Japan, this time with humorous captions. I'm still editing footage that I shot for Michael Bluejay there, which is why I haven't been blogging quite as much as I promised this month. But now that this is my last week, I'm going to try to write every day.

"There's no such thing as a free hug."

"Row, row, row your boat, gently down the... man-made pond?!"

"Burdock flavored kit-kats? Yum!"

"Watch out! There's a floating, white mass of condensed droplets (cloud) coming for you!"

"Good times."

"Postcards from the fifth station of Mt. Fuji. Didn't get one? I guess we forgot about you!"

"Dance-Dance Revolutionin' the night away."

"Whoa, there!"

"Myst."

"Hats off... to Indian Food in Japan!"

"Beware the ugly duckling."

I hope that gave you a chuckle. If not, then I'll try to get a photo of me punching Ahmadinejad tomorrow.

D-Week

One more month, and I've got Jeremy Coon beat for sure. Unfortunately, my high school reunion is this week. Luckily, it's at the end of the week, so I still have a few days left of beating prep. What would be really cool is if I could take all my accomplishments from the last two years, send those back in time to when I started this blog, and then have another two years to work from there.  Life doesn't always work that way, though.

I wonder what I would think about this Jeremy Coon situation if I had never started this blog. I would still have followed his post-Napoleon Dynamite career with interest, but I don't think I would have found the prospect of being in the same class as him that intimidating anymore. I would have assumed that Napoleon Dynamite was mostly forgotten, and I would have taken comfort that Jeremy Coon's two productions after that never got released theatrically. Though, of course I would be rooting for their eventual triumph.

I might not have gone to the reunion, under this imaginary scenario, but it would have been from being too busy rather than a feeling of inferiority. Since, if I had never started this blog, I would have been successful beyond belief. I would have been happy about this, but would have seen no need to flaunt it. So instead of spending the week in Richardson, I would have used that time to direct yet another movie.

It finally occurs to me that I might have been my own worst enemy in all this, because now I do have to go to the reunion, and I do have to have something to show for these two years. It's not Jeremy Coon who has put this burden on me. I did. "Oooh, I'm going to beat Jeremy Coon, look at me!" This is the worst thing anyone could have done to stack the odds against my 10 year high school reunion going well. And I did it.

I do have some things going for me, and might still be able to pull off a major triumph before Friday rolls around:

* I have a beautiful, well-dressed girlfriend who functions well in social situations. And that makes me look good.

* This weekend, I basically finished the screenplay that I started writing for real last year, and had the idea for three years ago. I've had some false final drafts before, and I already found things to change since finishing yesterday. But after today or the next day, I'll feel pretty confident in calling it done. This is one of the reasons I haven't been blogging too much lately.

* An agency called Undiscovered Pros Literary Agency has expressed interest in representing the script, but they are a new agency with no apparent presence on the web, so I don't know if being a powerful force for Hollywood to reckon with is their forte. I do like their mission statement, though. Basically, they only represent writers who have never sold a script before, and stop representing them once they've sold something (since at that point, you can find a better agency anyway). It's the only legit agency that even acknowledges the existence of writers who haven't sold a script, as far as I know.

* Also, thanks to my going to Sundance this year, I do have one "connection" who said he will read the script when it's done. Who needs an agent when you have a connection?

* The Writer's Guild may go on strike. If that's the case, studios could become desperate for scripts, allowing a nobody writer like me to  cross the picket line and sell one.

* Even though I'm relying on a strike-induced desperation to sell the script, I'm pretty sure it is really good, and if it were to morph into a movie, it would be a funnier and better movie than Napoleon Dynamite. The problem is, for a man in my position, it's hard to transform a script into a movie in less than one week.

* I kept up with a few people from my Berkner days, and if enough of them go to the reunion, they could form a protective circle around me, shielding me from shame or danger.

* I haven't lost a hair or put on a pound since high school. If there are any superficial types at the reunion, they might find this impressive enough not to scrutinize the shifty nature of my accomplishments too harshly.

* I did go to Japan.

* Note the Japanese letters on signs: proof that this is actually Japan. While there, we climbed to the top of Mt. Fuji. Some people never in their lives ever climb Mt. Fuji. So that will make me better than them.

I literally busted out a pair of chopsticks and ate a cloud. The closest most people get to that is eating fog, and I doubt many of my fellow '97ers  have encountered fog enough to think of that.

Still, I would give up everything I've accomplished in the past two years for a one-month extension on this reunion. But don't worry. The last thing I will ever do is "redefine what success means to me."