Welp. Another day, another Beat Jeremy Coon post. Let's just skip all the pleasantries and get to the point for a change.
These days I've been thinking of my life strategy beyond the 8 months I have left to be more successful than Jeremy Coon at our high school reunion. Now, don't panic. I still want nothing more than to utterly humiliate Jeremy Coon with his minor (compared to mine) achievements that night, and most of my thoughts and actions stem from that premise. But it's starting to dawn on me that there is life after the reunion, and perhaps I shouldn't think of everything in terms of this one deadline.
I recently became a betting man. Last night, in fact. (Not in Atlantic City last month when I didn't bet a dime.) Last night is when I played my first serious poker game. I was up for a long time, but I lost everything ($10) going all in with a near-straight.
Quick poker lesson: If you're bluffing, you do not want to be called on it. If you're called on a bluff, you're screwed. I mean, you have nothing, but you tried to play like you had something. And you keep betting and betting, hoping to scare everyone out of the pot. Then some lucky bastard actually has something, doesn't get scared, calls you on it, and you have to show your cards. And your cards are worse than nothing. At that point, your only hope is to pocket your cards, grab all the chips and run. But even then, no way can you come back later, when the game's winding down some, and hope to cash in those chips you robbed. Do not be called on a bluff!
I only bluff in card games, so this lesson doesn't apply to me beyond the poker table, but Jeremy Coon's entire career and sense of self is one big bluff. Yes, he produced and edited Napoleon Dynamite. Sure, he produced and edited The Sasquatch Dumpling Gang, destined to be a hit as well. And he didn't even have to edit American Fork, another movie he produced that's now in Post-Production. No doubt he has future projects lined up as well.
At first glance, this looks good for Jeremy Coon, but think about it. Someone who is so obsessed with producing movies obviously has a big hole to fill. And what happens when the projects aren't there anymore? That hole hasn't gone anywhere.
Also, though it's tempting to view his not editing American Fork as progress for the Coon man ("professionals delegate while amateurs do it all"), I say it means he's slipping. If he already doesn't edit the movies he produces, how long before he doesn't produce the movies he produces? He's flaming out, preciesly because unlike me, he's not looking beyond the re-union. By thinking more long term than JC, I could actually beat him in the short term.
So I'm calling Jeremy Coon's bluff. Show me your cards, Jeremy! And don't send me the link to your IMDB profile, or your interview on Apple.com about how you used Final Cut Pro for the first time when you edited Napoleon Dynamite. That's just more bluffing.
You've scared a lot of Berkner people out of the pot. Even Jensen Ackles, if he had been '97 instead of '96, might have quit Supernatural out of fear. But I'm still here, Jeremy Coon, with two pocket aces, two aces on the community spread, and four kings up my sleeve. And a joker.
What've you got?