Just in case I can't get my own act together in time of the Berkner reunion next year, I've been soliciting stories from people who knew Jeremy Coon after high school... stories that make Jeremy Coon look bad.
From J.P., an old buddy of Jeremy Coon who's apparently turned traitor, comes a story that seems straight out of a movie. A story which demonstrates Jeremy Coon's foolishness, arrogance, and nihilism all at once. It's mainly an action story, but for you Europeans and Indie kids there's a little character analysis as well. Here is "J.P." (his real name, but abbreviated) in his own words:
Well, where do I begin?...hmmmm....Jeremy Coon...
You may want to include that time that we crashed into the ditch/river that ran in front of the Bell tower. That was a good experience.
Coon gunned his $22,000.00 white-trash, Ford Mustang (of course given to him by his parents) around a long bend in the road and slid on some black ice. After fish-tailing back and forth like three times, he regained control.
Then, in a move so brilliant, he gunned the car a second time and again lost control and crashed us up and over the sidewalk and into the river/ditch running parallel to the road.
We were stuck in this river, which we realized was deeper than we thought and soon the car cabin began to flood with the coldest, nastiest smelling water I have ever been around. The car was angled so that my side was partially submerged in the water and pinned against the river bottom, thus leaving me no escape except through Coon's side of the car. His door was also pinned against the bank of the river so we couldn't get out using his door either. The water was coming in quick -- we were screwed.
But then I quickly noticed that Coon's car was a convertible and that maybe we could get out if the roof would retract. Luckily the car battery still worked and we were able to get the roof down. We climbed out and onto the bank.
Coon called a tow truck and told me to go get his camera. When I got back they were winching his car, rear first, up onto the street. With the car now on all fours again, Coon tried to start it up. The car was making a gurgling sound and the tow truck operator deduced that water was in the carburetor. Being a redneck, we trusted that this man had some knowledge of broken-down vehicles, so we took his word.
He told Coon that he needed to rev the engine to rid the exhaust pipes of the water that had been taken in. Coon gunned the car... again, more gurgling. At this point the redneck went around to the exhaust pipes and made the terrible mistake of putting his face about six inches from the opening of the tail pipe. "Give it a little more gas", he said.
I watched as this poor, poor redneck, tow-truck operator got a face full of river sludge. Coon jammed on the gas, ejaculating the duck-shiz smelling ooze out of his cars' tail pipe and into the guys face.
The guy just stayed there for like 30 seconds, his face right at the level of the tail pipe, flopping his arms around wildly trying to signal Coon to stop. The man was about to drown from that oh-so-smelly shit water. This poor soul did not understand projection. If that redneck would have taken one step to the left, the freezing cold duck-shiz-water would have completely missed him.
Well, needless to say, Coon got out of his car and laughed his ass off, all the while pointing to the face of the guy. That right there sums up Coon. A bully. Hitting someone when they are down. And in this case humiliating a man that has just been humiliated.
However, even though I feel sympathy for that redneck, this was, without doubt, the single most humorous event in my life. Man what a sight.
Maybe that will give you something to go on.
-- It sure does. Thanks, John Paul!
And if you have any bad stories about that libel-law-exempt celebrity Jeremy Coon - and if my fact-checker can confirm them - you too can be a Beat Jeremy Coon star!
You're going to use a fact checker? Damn, there goes two stories I had!
Posted by: Dad | July 17, 2006 at 12:54 PM