The man on the right

Things are looking bad for Jeremy Coon. Really, really bad. And by that I mean things are going great for me!

Like all of life, however, there are shades, and I can't say that every second in my life has been totally beyond flawlessly perfect. I hate to give only one side here (I'm a journalist, afterall, if a disgraced one), so first, the instances in which Jeremy Coon is winning...

The Bad

I. OfficePirates.com didn't hire me back in August when I tried out for them. That you knew. What I didn't say was that they saw my Parker Posey Eats Tofu entry a little while after that failure, and they emailed to tentatively promise to let me freelance for them once the site was up. I eagerly waited for months for their next email, which came in either late February or early March. It was time for my second chance!

Now they were proposing to hire me to find links to funny videos and articles for them daily. If hired, I would have been paid to find and write captions for five links a day. "It wouldn't be enough money to quit any of your jobs for, but it would be a decent weekly sum," Mark Remy said. Knowing my budget, I was pretty sure I COULD have quit one of my jobs for it.

However - and sorry to give away the ending to this paragraph, but... - it was not meant to be. For my try-out, I sent them five links a day for three days, accompanied by witty sounding descriptions. Here were some of my better attempts at fitting in with the Office Pirates crew:

Sometimes when it comes to figuring out who we really are, nature is the best mirror of all. Observe the pygmy seahorse, the cynical post-college straight male of the ocean. Just like young entry-level office workers, it blends into its surroundings, drawing no attention to itself, making little to no impact on its environment. Mechanically, it turns in place, circling and circling, showing no progress whatsoever. Just like for us, there is no hope for our reef-bound representative in nature. That said, wouldn't you rather just be the seahorse? (click here)

Americans aren't the only ones who find foreign languages to be absurdly funny. In this clip, a talk show host interviews a very serious looking man and a woman in a wheelchair, and can't help laughing when he hears how funny their language is. Of course, the talk show host's language is nothing to be proud of either. (click here)

Mesmerizing and eerie, this homemade video shows a (miniature?) human-built flying saucer in action, edited against spooky alien music. "The aircraft you now see is like no other before it," the mysterious, robotic narrator explains. Could this be a cover-up for an actual alien invasion? Future-horizons.net also sells homemade jet packs and hoverboards… the stuff dreams are made of. (click here)

Dude, this isn't funny! Someone probably died!! (click here)

There's one thing we can all agree on about technology, the spread of information, and the loss of privacy – it sure makes our lives easier. This fantasy ad dreams of a day (not too far, one hopes) when a pizzaria will know who we are, where we live, what we want, and what would be healthiest for us the moment we call them. At the end, there's a link imploring us to "Take Action!", presumably to make this dream a reality ASAP. (click here)

Asia doesn't just have cooler gadgets than us. They also have cooler commercials. Take Pepsi, for instance. Though an American product, all the best Pepsi ads are in Japan. Okay, the recent Pepsi Spartacus spoof here was funny, but nothing can beat a clever mascot, and in Japan, Pepsi has one. It's Pepsiman, a metallic superhero with no face, save a big circular hole that opens as he's passing out Pepsis to those in need (snowboarders, crying kids, boxers, beach babes, etc). In this spot, Pepsiman has come to save a man dying of thirst in a harsh, dry desert. Or has he? (click here)

If you thought your co-workers were annoying, be happy you don't work with Ben Adams. "I've led an interesting life as a Gen X-er, comics creator, graduate student, white collar professional, and political activist," Adam proudly announces in his introduction to "A Misfit's Journey: Mistaken Identity," his online graphic novel about flunking out of grad school and moving to Seattle to become an activist, work at a coffee shop, and find himself. Purportedly in the style of American Splendor scribe Harvey Pekar, Misfit's Journey takes the comics diary format to its most self-indulgent possible extreme, focusing on Adams's hate for his boss, his jealousy over his boss's girlfriend, how much he likes his friends, and how misunderstood he is. "There's no question about it," Adams concludes. "I can be very intimidating to some people and unfathomable to others." Ben Adams, you speak for us all. Be sure to press F11 to view it in Full Screen Mode! (click here)

Ever thought of your typewriter as an unnecessary middleman, a needless filter between your thoughts and the page? Well, pretty soon just thinking that thought will write "my typewriter is an unnecessary middle man, a needless filter between my thoughts and the page" on your screen, all without a single keypunch. Scientists at the Fraunhofer Institute in Berlin are now developing a computer brain interface, aka, a mental keyboard. At this point, with 128 electrodes attached to someone's brain, it takes 10 minutes to write a sentence with thinking alone. That's pretty good, considering that writing a sentence with thinking alone used to take… forever because it was impossible! And supposedly it's only going to get better. Hopefully the technology will be able to separate what you want to write from the "kill kill kill" "die die die" type thoughts constantly flitting through your subconscious.

So that voice you hear in your head that mostly sounds like your voice and is basically speaking what you're thinking… that's actually something electrodes can detect and translate to a screen? There's something truly disturbing about this if you really, really think about it. Just don't think about it with the electrodes on. (click here)

One of the most passed-around links of last year was to Robert Ryang's fake trailer for "The Shining," which used clever editing and voiceover to turn Stanley Kubrick's horror masterpiece into a romantic comedy about a fatherless boy, his lonely mom, and the struggling writer who enters both of their lives. The trailer became a huge hit, earning Ryang write-ups in publications as big as Creative Screenwriting and The New York Times, as well as plenty of editing offers from Hollywood.

Yet it turns out Ryang wasn't the first to do this. Back in 2000, aspiring editor Peter Debruge put together a trailer for his thesis at The University of Texas that made Hitchock's Psycho look like a romantic comedy. Unfortunately for Peter, this was before the heyday of blogs, and nobody really saw it. He basically forgot about it until Ryang made a splash with his catchier trailer 5 years later. Now Ryang's living the Hollywood dream, and Peter's stuck at a desk as a mere Features Editor at Variety. (click here)

Some guy made a music video using nothing but girls auditioning to dance in the video. And boy, does he know how to party! (click here)

I was almost positive that the last one would not go over with the Office Pirates people. I just loved it too much not to send it. "If Office Pirates doesn't like 'Sexy Joe this - Group Sound hotties', then I don't want to work for them anyway," I rationalized when I sent that link on Day Two. And that's just what happened. I didn't work for them!

"You're just not quite the first mate that Office Pirates is looking for," they responded regretfully. They didn't actually say that. Instead, they didn't respond at all! Which I suppose means that I technically still have a chance, but since that was weeks ago, I'm not counting on it. [Update... they just emailed me. They want me to work for them! So transfer this one to the "good" column]

II. After some prodding from Joe (I was convinced before talking to him that the ridiculously flexible scheudle I have now should not be violated), I applied to fill a job opening for Assistant Editor at Reason Magazine. Which also would be pretty ridiculously flexible - since it would be work from home - would pay more than I make now, would give me benefits, and might even provide more creative satisfaction than putting food in a box at Angelica Kitchen. As a former Reason intern who did an interview with Christopher Hitchens that made it into the book Choice: The Best of Reason, I thought my chances were decent.

Yet I've heard nothing. However, unlike Office Pirates, it actually could be too early to tell, since it's only been a week. It's also possible that Nick, the editor, is taking his time out of dread for rejecting me, because we know each other and he's afraid it will be awkward. Reject me if you absolutely must, Nick. We'll still be former boss/former intern type quasi friends. And hey, if you don't want me assistant editing, I'll just keep writing more stuff for later Reason best-of compilations!

III. I'm not going to Utah for my ex-girlfriend's wedding. I kind of saw this coming. Wren's fiance could tolerate the presence of every single one of Wren's ex-boyfriends... except for me. Which I guess I understand, since he's a virgin, and Wren is just barely over the sleeping with zero people mark.

Wren wanted me to come anyway and plotted some schemes to that end - one of which involved Joe and I arriving in a horse costume (this is a costume wedding, as Wren has always wanted), pulling a buggy that was carrying Brooke. But I know Wren's relatives, they would have found out that I was the horse's ass, and when the word spread around, Wren's new husband would have found out and felt even more betrayed. I was hesitant about going at all, tricks or no tricks, and Wren eventually came to the same conclusion as me. If I ever go to Utah, which I still hope to do eventually, it won't be to ruin anyone's Big Mormon Day.

IV. I'm having the worst eczema outbreak I've ever had! Part of it is the fault of working at a restaurant. Even though Angelica now buys me nitrile gloves, which are less iritating than vinyl and match my eyes much better, any continuous friction at all brings out the red skin, which makes my left hand (my "glove hand") quite unpleasantly red. It's also on the underside of my arms, from them constantly brushing against my apron while I put food in boxes. But that doesn't explain why it's suddenly on my legs now too. Walking, I guess? Until two years ago, my eczema never once left the tops of my poor, overly-shoe-rubbed feet. Why'd you have to ditch me, glory days?

V. Even though it should be me who is out sick with skin rash, Annique - who works at the Angelica Kitchen juice bar - has been out for two weeks after a bad bronchitis attack. Which, okay, is arguably not just a purely superficial skin problem. I miss Annique badly and care only for her health. But this has meant me working four days a week at Angelica instead of just three. TOO MUCH!

VI. Jay, one of the two Kitchen Supervisors at Angelica, was fired. One day he was there and the next day a fellow employee was asking me, "You know about Jay being fired, right?" There was a notice on the bulletin board. It read, "Jay H. was dismissed for failing to satisfy the duties of Kitchen Supervisor." Other than that very broad, vague notice, I knew nothing about why he was really fired. And still know nothing.

He was kind of moody. To the point where I was afraid to point out when food was running out, because it annoyed him every time in a not-mad-at-you-but-mad-at-the-situation type of way. Which probably led to food running out more often. Which may have made it look more like he wasn't fulfilling the duties of a Kitchen Supervisor.

Not that I blame myself! I'm guessing he was fired for speaking up for the rights of our Mexican friends in the kitchen. "Robby is an exploited man," Jay told me one night as he packed up the desserts way too soon, so that he could get the dishes to Roberto quicker, thus letting him leave earlier. Thanks to Jay, Robbie was 5 minutes less exploited every night.

Joe knew Jay as the K.S. who made it impossible to bring left-over kanten (Joe's favorite Angelica food) home, a direct consequence of Jay prematurely putting away desserts to halt kitchen oppression. I do love bringing kanten home for Joe, but I can't say I celebrated Jay's sudden Stalinistic disappearance, exactly. Jay trained me! If anyone is next to disappear, it'll be me!

VII. A good friend of mine that I really care about is seriously depressed right now. I'm worried about him.

And that I'm pretty sure covers most of the bad. Now on to the opposite of the bad... the good. (I may provide both sides of the issue here at Beat Jeremy Coon, but I do not delve into gray areas)

The Good

I. Today I talked to my mom, we had a really nice conversation, and she told me that by the way, scientists have isolated the gene that causes eczema. Now all we have to do is change my failed genetic structure (by pricking away that loose step from my DNA chain, I imagine), drain all my blood, and have my body replenish itself with new, genetically flawless blood. Or maybe science can at least come up with a better moisturizer.

II. Also today I got a letter in the mail from my dad. It said, "Happy Inheritence!" Which I kind of found hilarious, because my grandfather being dead isn't happy. It isn't happy at all. Look, here he is with my dad a while back:

That was happy. Now the man on the right is gone. But I didn't tear up the check in protest of the unjustness of a world where people die. No, I deposited the check in the morning and then started an Ameritrade investment account this very night. Which must be a circle of some sort, because when my grandfather was alive, he gave me about $2,000 to invest in the stock market when I was a teenager. He also gave my brother the same amount.

Knowing nothing about investing, I bought a bunch of stocks in Gadzooks, a store I liked at the mall (and was, ominously, my best performer), and invested in a bunch of penny stocks I found through random keyword searches on the Charles Schwab page. For instance, by searching the seven deadly sins, I discovered "Wanderlust Software." Which, like Gadzooks, actually did okay for me. It was companies like the less-than-a-dollar-per-share "Hollywood, Inc." that did me in.

I still didn't lose too much money, except that I eventually gave up on investing and ignored my account for years. When I eventually looked at it again, to withdrawl the cash I'd stupidly left in there, I found that all my cash was gone! Schwab had tried to warn me, but I got their notices too late, that Texas has a law through which it can take all liquid cash from stock accounts that are neglected for too long! By this point, most of my stocks were totally valueless, except for Gadzooks, which maybe I should have held longer, because now it's Forever21.

So my teenaged experience with investing was basically a total failure.

My brother Miles, however, managed to make a good profit on his equally as random investments. Which kind of helps prove what Joe was telling me today to encourage me to open that account. Essentially, he said this: stocks perform well because your investments are going to people whose job is preciesly to make more money for you. That eased my Fooled by Randomness-inspired fears. Especially now that I have Joe's market expertise and my own more rational investing prudence on my side. Best of all, now I can finally stop talking about shorting Google and actually do it!

Just kidding. I'm not going to short Google. Nor have I ever talked about it.

III. Speaking of companies I'm not going to short, I've got my very own JetBlue credit card on the way! I can use that card for everything, then pay it off instantly with my debit card, racking up flying miles on the best airline that doesn't fly to Dallas, Miami, or pretty much anywhere in the midwest. One of these days, I'm flying to Nassau.

IV. Pretty soon I'm only going to be working two days a week at Angelica Kitchen and will make the rest of my money working for ScriptBuddy, maximizing my time at home, and thus my writing time. Unless Reason gives me the job, which will give me even more time at home, but probably take away some of my writing time.

V. I have been working on my script. I've been slow about it, but I'm pretty sure it's going to be good. If only I can get Joe to write songs for it! Joe, you're still going to write songs for it... RIGHT?!

VI. Remember when the documentary project failed? Greg Newburn, one of the three filmmakers that weren't, didn't just complain about it on Liberteaser. He came up with a completely new proposal for a new documentary project, which Joe and I would work on if he finds funding for it. Which I think he might, because it's a great proposal. Especially given that its main impetus was to put "Stacy" from the failed project in her place.

VII. Also Greg-related... I was IM'ing with him today when I mentioned having gone to a literary journal reading competition a couple of weeks ago. Greg responded that he had a friend who ran an online literary journal out of New York, Void Magazine, and had I heard of it? Had I?! I sent a submission to them at the beginning of last summer which they had promptly rejected! "It was a silly poem about me being upset that Rachel had made out with someone in high school," I said, "So I don't hold it against them."

Well, if Greg is right about the amount of sway he has over his friend, I'm a Void Magazine Rejectee For Life no longer. Greg claims that if I send them something, and Greg tells them to publish it, they will. "I'll try to make it good," I promised Greg, "but if they publish it soley due to your influence, that's fine by me too." And I've never once told Greg a lie.

IIX. The Institute for Humane Studies, which paid for my internship with the National Taxpayers Union in 2000, funded my John Stossel internship in 2002, awarded me first place in their Freedom Ad contest in 2003, flew me Joe and Greg to Los Angeles for the conservative film festival last year (a terrible festival, but a great time!), and recently spotlighted me on their alumni page (I'd give you the link but you have to be able to log-in to read it), just invited me to a free seminar called Advanced Studies in Freedom. Which will be almost an entire week of libertarian fun (with Greg) at Bryn Mawr college in Pennsylvania. And yes, that photo is of me, in the future, at the Advanced Studies in Freedom conference, awkwardly resting my hand under my chin to look like I'm listening, and wearing a ridiculous hat.

IX. Michael V., the directorial genius who brought my script "The Adventures of Arthur Conan Doyle" to life called me today and essentially gave me a year off from working on the feature length script I was doing for him. It's a script idea that I love, but that I'd rather have on the back-burner for now, which was impossible when he was calling me every day to find out how much progress I was making on it. The conversation was also brief, a rarity with Michael, and exciting. He's pursing a career as a director for commercials, which I think he'll be able to do. Maybe a year from now he'll want me to get back to work on that script for him. And I'll be ready.

X. Oh, and I'mgoingoutwithsomeonebutI'mnotgoingtotalkaboutitherebecauseit'stoosoon. For now I'll just say that I'm happy about it.

XI. And that - one last thing in the good column - WE'RE GOING TO ISRAEL!!! Which more than makes up for me not going to Utah for Wren's wedding. And which is also perhaps symbolic of how my theological thinking has evolved since I started Beat Jeremy Coon last June.

But more on that, later...

Comments

[Brazos]

This is probably the best post on beatjeremycoon ever!
Congrats on everything