Hillary Bryant on Jeremy Coon!

Spring is here, March will be totally over in a week, and how many entries have I written so far this month? Four? Five? Six at most? Maybe seven if I'm lucky?

Okay. I grant that.

But what am I, your guys's slave? And what are you guys? My brother's keeper? If that's the case, then it's Jeremy Coon who is my greatest ally, because at least he doesn't try to keep me chained to my blog when I should be decimating Jeremy Coon by finishing my screenplay and then selling it and then directing it and then having the movie come out the day before my high school reunion and make a million dollars!

Not that I've been working on my screenplay exclusively. I've been living! How can I write about my life when I've been so busy experiencing it? It's a big, crazy world, and you all want me at my computer for every second of the day? So what, I should write my script about someone who sits around his computer all day? That seems like something Jeremy Coon would produce. Uh-uh. Not for me. Live. Then write. Live. Then write some more. If it were up to you all, I'd do nothing but write! And trust me, the quality of this blog would start to suffer.

But I'm back. I would have been back sooner if everyone had been more understanding about my leave of absence. But I am back. For good. And appropriately enough, I'm returning by posting an interview with someone who really knows how to live, even more than I do. Hillary Bryant.

Hillary is so far the first female classmate of mine I’ve interviewed for Beat Jeremy Coon. This is no accident. She is the first female classmate of mine to agree to an interview. Well. Almost....

I knew Hillary mostly in high school, where we took theatre together. I was the whitest Shark in West Side Story. I believe Hillary may have tried out for the part of Maria. But my, how she's changed.

According to MySpace, Hillary is single, straight, only looking for friends, from Dallas, 5'8", Caucasian, Protestant, a Gemini, a drinker, a non-smoker, undecided about whether to have children, and a college graduate. None of these things could I have foreseen in Mrs. Kizer's theatre class Junior and Senior year, where Hillary and I parroted other people's words, pretending to be people we would never be, in places we would never go, in situations we'd never find ourselves. Who could have guessed that after acting like characters for so long, we'd actually grow up to become real characters ourselves? But isn't life just one big stage?

I'll let Hillary Bryant answer that question.

BJC: First tell me a little about yourself. Who are you, where are you, how did you get there, what do you do, what's your life philosophy, and how do we know each other?

Hillary Bryant: I can’t even answer these questions to myself, how am I supposed to tell you? I’m a hedonist right now, so you can imagine how often I think about how my irresponsible behavior will affect the future. No philosophy but enjoying life. We know each other in passing from Dartmouth on, though we were in Computer Science class together in eighth grade with Mr. Schraum’s flaccid son, Mr. Schraum (sp?).

BJC: Are you stuck in a time warp, the exact same person I knew in high school? Or have there been some changes that even you couldn't have foreseen?

Hillary: Nope. Yes.

BJC: For instance, did you have any idea that in 2006, you would be a fan of The Strokes, Death Cab for Cutie, Hot Hot Heat, or Coldplay (which I learned by looking at your MySpace profile)?

Hillary: I’d like to think that my musical tastes have matured.

BJC: If you’ve changed, how have you changed? Any shockers?

Hillary: Shockers, like pregnancy? No. I’ve changed in that fewer things make me respond sarcastically.

BJC: I think it was in 10th grade when Nick Benoit and I performed a scene from Waiting for Godot for the Berkner Talent Show. I got trapped in the tree, the tree got trapped on the stage, and then you had your piano piece next. People were still laughing about me in the tree when you were pouring your heart out through those notes and chords that you’d presumably practiced for years. I heard you were upset about that. Are you still mad?

Hillary: How did you hear about that? I was so guarded in my chagrin. Not mad anymore. And I would like to apologize effusively for ruining your production of the Nerd junior year. I remember Kizer Soze gave you a C when it was my talent who mangled everything. I’m really sorry.

BJC: What's your job? Is this what you imagined yourself doing 9 years after high school?

Hillary: I’m unemployed.

BJC: How did you find yourself back in Dallas? Resignation? Or do you like it there?

Hillary: I was engaged to be married last June. When James and I broke up instead of tying the knot, I felt the need to return to the only place that felt like home and loving acceptance. Mom and Dad live in Dallas, so I came back here. I like it here because it’s familiar and I have friends here. I’ve lived in Lexington, VA, Washington, DC, and St. Louis. I liked it best in DC.

BJC: Do you think you would have moved to Dallas had you grown up somewhere else?

Hillary: That’s a “hell, no!”

BJC: Think you might ever want to leave?

Hillary: Yes, please.

BJC: What do you think will be different about your life by mid-2007?

Hillary: I’ll probably be working. I’ll probably be in Dallas. I’ll probably have a few more nieces and nephews. I’ll probably be the only one in my family who’s unmarried. I’ve determined I’m going to be the crazy aunt who has ten cats, a frumpy wardrobe, and insane ideas about gifts for my family. I can knit, you know.

BJC: What do you wish will be different but probably won't be?

Hillary: Owning a home.

BJC: What was/is your connection to Nick Stevens, Robby Slaughter,
Duncan Gilman and Michael Aiuvalasit? (the first people I interviewed)?

Hillary: Nick: that’s easy. None. Robby: met him at REACH in fourth grade; took driving school with him; had a few classes with him at Berkner; is now a good friend through Leslie Hochman and Duncan. Duncan: was in choir with him at Apollo and Berkner; became friends through theater class (Mr. Farnsworth’s class); once asked him why Jewish people still maintained that the Messiah hadn’t come (I’m a horrible person, but at that time in my life I had a poor filter of thoughts to words); I consider him in the top ten funniest people I’ve ever met. Michael: pretty much same as Duncan. Choir dorks, all of us.

BJC: Who were your best friends in high school and what are they doing now?

Hillary: Leslie: operatic singer, Krissie Shiroma: meteorologist in Iowa, Ben Briggs (maybe, I don’t know): good question, Mandy Osmundsen: lives in CA, think she’s engaged, Kristin Johnson: hm, Elaine Chen: lawyer at the firm where my father was partner.

BJC: Are you in touch with any other Berkner people? If so, who and why and how closely?

Hillary: Yes, my three best friends all went to Berkner. Rachel Coyle, Stephanie Plagens, and Krissie Shiroma. Pretty tight. They knew me when and can put up with me now.

BJC: Do you have any bad memories from Berkner? How should high school have been better? Let me rephrase... If Hillary Bryant been BHS principal, things would have been run a little differently, right?

Hillary: I hated getting beaten from the secretary of the class office by Elizabeth something (cheerleader). Why were some people considered popular when I hadn’t ever met them?

The cafeteria food would have been better, healthier. To be honest, I was in a major bubble of nerdiness in high school, so I don’t know that I have the perspective to answer any questions of improving the school as a whole. I would have like the arts departments to be better funded.

BJC: How did you find out that Jeremy Coon produced Napoleon Dynamite? Was it a shock?

Hillary: Krissie Shiroma told me. Yes, I was completely shocked.

BJC: Of all people to make it big from our school, did you ever suspect it might be Jeremy Coon?

Hillary: Again: shocked!

BJC: Under your favorite books on MySpace, you say “Mysteries and historical fiction.” It sure is a mystery how Jeremy Coon came to be so famous, isn’t it! Would you say his triumph is also quite possibly a historical fiction?

Hillary: That’s leading question. I would say, yes, it’s fiction started by some bored sociopath who has a hit list that dates back to elementary school except that the truth is attested to by several reputable sources.

BJC: What was better? Napoleon Dynamite or my senior year play, Good-Bye to the Clown?

Hillary: Can’t say.

BJC: How would you compare Berkner people to the rest of the world now that you've lived and seen it all? Are we different?

Hillary: We’re whiter.

BJC: Is there anything that stands out about Berkner that might account for so many success and near-success stories?

Hillary: Beef and grain. We’re healthy specimen fed on good ol’ morality and strong winds of courage.

BJC: Looking at your MySpace profile, I see that Gross Pointe Blank is one of your favorite movies. So I gather you're pretty obsessed with high school reunions? Are you pretty obsessed with our high school reunion?

Hillary: I am. I can’t wait to see people and how they’ve fared. I like making contact with old friends who have lost touch. If life is a string, catching up with old friends is plucking at chords. (I’m so poetic!)

BJC: High school reunions are basically a time for showing off what you've done with your life. How do you think you'll fare at the Berkner class of '97 10-year reunion?

Hillary: Poorly. But I’ll have a damn good time.

BJC: Do high school reunions matter? Does the prospect of one make you want to try harder? Will you even go?

Hillary: I will make every effort to go. The only thing is that I’ll have to bring friends with me. I couldn’t face it alone. Dude, we graduated with 630 other people, and if only half show up, how will I find certain people in a crowd like that?

BJC: Are you at all concerned with Jeremy Coon basically blasting us all out of the water by being the producer of such a fantastically successful movie and going on to produce The Sasquatch Dumpling Gang and God knows what else by summer 2007?

Hillary: I have never heard of this Dumpling movie.

BJC: Is there anyone from Berkner that you are trying to "beat" in the way I'm attempting to beat Jeremy Coon?

Hillary: Can’t say I am.

BJC: Jensen Ackles is another high profile Berkner success story. Did you ever watch him on "Days of Our Lives"? Do you watch him now on the WB hit series Supernatural?

Hillary: Yes. No. I don’t have cable right now.

BJC: Who deserves to have his ass (figuratively) kicked more: Jeremy Coon or Jensen Ackles?

Hillary: Wow. Good question. Who deserves it more? I think only karma can answer that.

BJC: As far as raw talent goes, is there anyone you know who deserves to make it big but can't quite get it together?

Hillary: The Lovell brothers. Did you know Mark? You must remember Ryan. Lara Lovell’s brothers. They were so funny and really dedicated to theater.

[Ed’s note: I knew of the Lovell brothers, and was mildly interested in them, but only because I had a crush on Lara Lovell.]

BJC: What did you think of Napoleon Dynamite?

Hillary: Quirky.

BJC: Have you or would you ever wear a Vote for Pedro T-shirt? Or are you more of a "Pedro Lacks Political Experience" kind of woman?

Hillary: I thought of buying one for my fiancé, but I’d never buy one for myself. It seems a little. . .

BJC: What Berkner grads have you talked to who know of Jeremy Coon's success? Were they impressed?

Hillary: The above-mentioned friends and my sisters. There were a number of Coon boys who went to the same schools that my sisters and you and I did. They were impressed in a “local boy makes it big way” until I remind them that Jeremy was a humanish Pillsbury dough boy with scabs.

BJC: You also list “Much Ado About Nothing” (Dir. Kenneth Branagh) as one of your favorite movies on MySpace. Would you say that perfectly describes the praise Jeremy Coon has received for accomplishments? “Much Ado About Nothing”?

Hillary: Yes.

BJC: Are you as excited about The Sasquatch Dumpling Gang as I am?

Hillary: No.

[Ed’s note to self: Remember Journalism School? Never ask yes/no questions!]

BJC: How well did you know Jeremy Coon in middle school? What was he like then?

Hillary: Not at all. We moved in very different circles. (I can be politic, too. But wait.)

BJC: How well did you know Jeremy Coon in high school? Was he still the same old Jeremy? Or was the possibility of world conquest already fomenting and straining his relations with the little people?

Hillary: See above.

BJC: How did Jeremy Coon functional socially? Did he have a lot of friends? A lot of enemies? Did he ever seem to be dating anyone? Did he ever get into any fights? What did people think of him? Was he cool or was he a nerd? And if he was a nerd, was he, as Nick Stevens suggests in his interview, a "predator among the nerds... who ruled with an iron fist"?

Hillary: I only knew him in elementary school. Wasn’t he on the football team? I’m sure he dated someone. I remember his being not so much a nerd as a socially inept waste of space (and a big one at that).

BJC: Michael Aiuvalasit told me in his interview that you had a funny story about Jeremy Coon. Do tell!

Hillary: He was the only one who couldn’t finish the 12-minute, one-mile walk/run in the President’s Challenge in sixth grade.

BJC: Did Jeremy Coon ever ask you out?

Hillary: No.

BJC: What sort of cliques did Jeremy hang around? Who were his closest friends?

Hillary: Did he have friends?

BJC: I hear he was close with Bonnie Coover, the girl who broke my heart forever in seventh grade, and then stole it and never gave it back. In its place she put a stone. Did you know her? Did she say why she broke up with me?

Hillary: Yes, and I liked her. She hung out with Michelle something. Sorry about the stone-heart, but I didn’t know about it at the time.

BJC: What's your feeling about the Berkner community reaction to Jeremy Coon? Is he a hero to us? Has he finally given Berkner the credibility it's long been seeking? Or is he a blight, a menace?

Hillary: In our culture of ennui, yes, he’s a respected leader. No, Jensen beat him to it.

BJC: On your MySpace Profile, under “heroes”, you say: “I don't believe in having a personal hero. Every person has faults. Once I learn about the foibles of someone whose actions I respect, I cynically dismiss her/him and anything great s/he accomplished.” Does this mean that Jeremy Coon is not your hero? If you believed in heroes, would I be closer to your hero than him?

Hillary: Actually, I wrote “I don't believe in having a personal hero. Every person has faults. Once I learn about the foibles of someone whose actions I respect, I cynically dismiss him and anything great he accomplished.” Jeremy Coon couldn’t be a hero. What socially, economically, culturally, or philosophically enriched thing has he accomplished? Yes, you’re definitely closer to hero status. Damn the man!

BJC: What do you make of Jeremy Coon saying (after high school, but before Napoleon Dynamite), "Rhys was so weird in high school, he was an untouchable, even to me"? Was I an untouchable?!?

Hillary: Standoffish, maybe.

BJC: Standoffish?! How so?

Hillary: (No response)

BJC: Did you see any similarities between Jeremy Coon and the character of Napoleon Dynamite?

Hillary: No, how could there be? He didn’t write himself into the script, and the writers are much funnier than he.

BJC: Did you know that Jeremy Coon was a Mormon? Does it make sense in retrospect? Do you think he was hiding it?

Hillary: Yes.

BJC: What have your experiences with Mormons been like?

Hillary: Missy Franco and I were friends. She was really fun. I had a crush on a Mormon. But he was in love with Megan Kaney-Francis. Think that’s about it. Oh, wait. I was on duty as the house manager at an event featuring religious music and prayer for Texas youth. There was a lot of hugging and flirting. But everyone was very polite.

BJC: I once considered converting to Mormonism to beat Jeremy Coon with his own tools. I've kind of let that plan fall by the wayside. Should I revive it?

Hillary: Does he embrace his faith? If so, do it! If not, beat him by denying everything that smells of religion.

BJC: By the time our high school reunion rolls around, will everyone at Berkner already know that Jeremy Coon is the big success story? Are they going to be clinging to him?

Hillary: Hm. Yes.

BJC: Will Jeremy Coon use his newfound celebrity to seduce a former high school crush? If so, who might that be?

Hillary: Oh, definitely Craig Overby.

BJC: Or will “Lost” (one of your favorite TV shows, according to your MySpace profile) be an apt description for Jeremy Coon when it comes to his showdown with me?

Hillary: I think you have beaten him.

BJC: Do you think there are any contenders from our class of '97 who might possibly out-success Jeremy Coon? If so, who and how?

Hillary: Once again, I have poor prophetic powers, but I would guess Leslie.

BJC: Do you think Jeremy Coon will even appear at our high school reunion? Why or why not?

Hillary: If I know Jeremy Coon, he will make an especial effort to seek the glory of come-uppance from fellow Rams. His success as an independent film financier has been drilled into his head from the time he was able to understand what a toilet’s for.

BJC: Have you accomplished everything you hoped you would since high school?

Hillary: No.

BJC: In what ways has your life not lived up to your post-high school graduation expectations?

Hillary: I wish I were employed.

BJC: In what ways is your life better than what you expected?

Hillary: I never thought I’d get to study in London.

BJC: I see you were a voice major in school. Could you write me a song about Jeremy Coon and then sing it?

Hillary: Yes. If you’ll provide two verses and a chorus, I’ll get it together. With accompaniment.

BJC: I know it's up to me, and of course I have a plan, but do you have any suggestions for what, precisely, I should do to beat Jeremy Coon?

Hillary: Murder for hire comes to mind. But if we’re thinking legally? What about a book arguing for the destruction of the LSD faith. It’s a sham, you know.

BJC: What about my Beat Jeremy Coon blog itself? It's fairly time-consuming when I'm actually working on it. Is it counter-productive to my goal?

Hillary: Keep it up. Right, it’s time-consuming, but if you maintain it, you’ll maintain the momentum of your movement. And when you write your book on the success of a grass-roots campaign to overthrow an undeserved hero, you’ll have most of it written.

BJC: What's the road to success? Or are there many?

Hillary: If I knew that, wouldn’t I be a success? Plus, what’s your definition? I’m successful at getting drunk every weekend and having a blast. But most people outside of Australians would consider me a success.

BJC: In your last MySpace message to me, you wrote, “I have an original script of the Simpson's episode ‘Homer goes to college.’” Is this true?

Hillary: Yes. My friend works for the talent agency which represents Julie Kavner, and he found three scripts in their script library. He sent them to me as a gesture of friendship, I think.

BJC: Tell me everything else you can think of about Jeremy Coon.

Hillary: His mother looks like a Teutonic warrior princess. She’s a subscriber to the Richardson Symphony Orchestra. One of his brothers works as a doctor in bariatrics. Jeremy was not the most impressive or stellar student. He has ugly teeth. Yeah, I think he was a bully, but not a very good one.

Thanks, Hillary!

Comments

[Dawn]

Er, Mormons are a "sham"?

It would be quite hilarious if you became Mormon to beat Coon, haha.

[rachel]

i feel it is my duty to say, once again, that no, it wouldn't be hilarious if you became a Mormon.
glad to see something new on the blog.