When Michael Aiuvalasit was the new kid at Dartmouth Elementary in sixth grade, I took him under my wing, essentially making his survival to this day possible.
"Those kids are the jocks," I said, pointing out the lunch table of giant, muscle-bound sixth-graders wearing football uniforms. "Don't call them gay. They'll turn your head into a football, tie your arms up, and and use the rest of your body as goal posts. And those," I said, pointing to the next table of black-garbed goth kids with sniffly noses, "Those are the druggies. They're the only ones here who might accept you. Ask them to teach you how to make napalm. You'll need it. Oh, and over there, that's Mrs. Hoctor. She's our teacher. Tie a yellow ribbon on your backpack in support of the troops, and she'll love you. Oh no, duck! That's Cody Willis, the most beautiful girl ever to walk this earth! Don't even bother. She'll never love anyone."
Michael apparently took my lessons to heart; he survived school even more intact than I did... even though he had to share a high school Spanish Class with that most intolerable of fiends, Jeremy Coon! While I was in with the theatre crowd in middle and high school, Michael frequented the choir rafters. I didn't really hang out with him again until college, when he and his girlfriend Leslie Hochman joined me for lunch at the University of Texas at Austin dorm cafeteria. Michael and Leslie got in some small tiff about vegetarianism. Leslie thought it made no sense biologically, and Michael thought it was a logical evolution. Despite that fight, they're now engaged.
But please, allow Michael Aiuvalasit to speak for himself!
BJC: First tell me a little about yourself. Who are you, where are you, how did you get there, what do you do, what's your life philosophy, and how do we know each other?
Michael A: My name is Michael Aiuvalasit. I grew up in Texas and Virginia and spent my teenage years in Richardson, Texas. I attended public schools with the likes of Rhys Southan and Jeremy Coon. I currently live a nomadic life. At the moment I am in College Station, TX completing my Masters Thesis in archaeology, though I live with my soon to be wife Leslie in upstate New York. However, for taxes and to maintain in-state tuition, I still live in Richardson, Texas at my folks house. My life philosophy is that I should always endeavor to be occupied in tasks I enjoy doing or think are meaningful, and that I should always strive to be good at what I do.
BJC: Not to answer my own question, but we first met in sixth grade. I was new to Dartmouth that year, but you were even newer, arriving almost at the end of the year, if I remember right. Was that hard being the new kid?
Michael A: It was kind of hard, though I moved alot during elementary school. I remember impressing kids, telling stories of the rebellious things I had done at my previous school. You can sound like a badass if you say all the bad things you've ever done in one sitting that took years of living to accumulate. My badass reputation didn't last long, though. However, it wasn’t too hard being the new kid. Most kids at Dartmouth weren’t mean, it's in Junior High where kids get weird.
BJC: Did anybody step up to make you feel welcome by inviting you to his ice skating birthday party?
Michael A: Yes, I remember a young fellow by the name of Rhys inviting me to his birthday party. It was supposed to be a surprise party, and we were supposed to wait inside the party room for you to show up. I went skating instead and you saw me while you walked in. I think I ruined the surprise. And I remember a girl named Erin Maher who I sat by in class and liked, though I never talked to her again after the 6th grade even though we attended the same secondary schools. Trey King who lived across the alley from me was pretty nice too…
BJC: And then asking you to be his Dartmouth Field Day partner?
Michael A: Wow, I forgot about that.
BJC: Such a person would have been a true saint in every sense of the word, right?
Michael A: I think you need two proven miracles, so after you beat JC you can get in line for canonization.
BJC: I've always been curious.... What were you doing before Dartmouth?
Michael A: Spending my first years in diapers enjoying Austin, TX, and then my little kid years in the burbs of Northern Virginia. Fairly typical little boy stuff, except I liked to read autobiographies of baseball players that turned out to be full of adult themes. That was kind of eye-opening for a 10 year old.
BJC: We kind of lost touch after sixth grade, and didn't really reconnect until college. Why do you think that is?
Michael A: I am an introvert, and my guess is you are too. I think we got lost in our own worlds within a large suburban school. I became involved with the choir and you were in the theatre. The school was big enough that these scenes didn’t overlap as much as they would in a smaller school. I remember being in the same Theory of Knowledge class as you during High School. I think I ran into you more during college, though it was usually no more than happening into each other on campus and catching up on things for a few minutes.
BJC: How have you changed since high school and college? Any shockers?
Michael A: I did a lot of singing in high school and people expected me to study music in school. However, I was always interested in anthropology, so I studied that instead. I am an archaeologist now, having spent about 3 years after graduation doing archaeology fieldwork in Texas and New Mexico for a living, and now I’m finishing up a Masters Thesis in archaeology that I have been working on for the last 2 years. I still really enjoy music, and I always wish I could do more music than I am. I do play folk type music fairly regularly with some guys I go to school with.
BJC: What do you think will be different about your life by mid-2007?
Michael A: I think my life will be more different by mid-2006 than mid-2007. First off, at the end of the month I’m marrying Leslie Hochman, who we went to high school with. And I’ll have my Masters Thesis done too. The only thing that will be different by 2007 is that I will have been working again for a year and I should have some money again.
BJC: What do you wish will be different but probably won't be?
Michael A: I’d like to travel out west more and spend more time camping/hiking. Since I’ll be in NY, I probably won’t make it out west, and because I need to be working and feed the monkey I won’t have time for camping. I would also like George Bush to be out of office, but barring impeachment and resignation, he’ll probably still be president.
BJC: What was your connection to Nick Stevens, Robby Slaughter and Duncan Gilman?
Michael A: I am very close friends with Robby and Duncan, but I don’t think I ever really knew Nick Stevens. It was interesting to hear he was living abroad, though. I went to high school and college with Duncan and Robby. We were roommates for 2 years in college and committed many shenanigans while at UT.
BJC: Who were your best friends in high school and what are they doing now?
Michael A: My best friends were Duncan, Ryan Edwards, and Brian McLean. We sang together in a barbershop quartet during high school and we still try to get together once or twice a year. Duncan is in Hollywood working in ‘the industry’, Ryan is married and going to school at Texas Tech for his PhD, and Brian is in the Dallas area going to school and working in hi-tech stuff.
BJC: Do you have any bad memories from Berkner? How should high school have been better? Let me rephrase... If you'd been principal, how would YOU have run things differently?
Michael A: I enjoyed my time in high school, but it isn’t a time I am particularly nostalgic for. I found niches at Berkner with the Choir and some of the Honors classes I was able to sneak into. Involvement in these activities helped me get out of the shell I lived in during junior high, though I don’t think a big school in cookie-cutter suburbia was a terribly stimulating environment. High school would have been better if the teachers were of a higher quality, and there was less focus on standards/tests/grades.
BJC: Are you in touch with any other Berkner people?
Michael A: Besides Leslie Hochman, whom I’ve been dating since college - and the people I mentioned previously - I am in touch with only a few others through Leslie. I see or hear from Laurie Brown, Hillary Bryant, Rachel Coyle, and Stephanie Plageans every so often.
BJC: How would you compare Berkner people to the rest of the world now that you've lived hard and seen it all? Are we different?
Michael A: Yes, Berkner people are a pretty small minority. Berkner people are mostly upper middle to lower upper class white kids, with a few Asian and Hispanic kids around too. Most graduated from high school and many went off to college. They are typically not the most exceptional people, but the opportunities afforded by their higher than average socio-economic status allows them to typically maintain or slightly better the already privileged social status they were born into.
BJC: Is there anything that stands out about Berkner that might account for so many success and near-success stories?
Michael A: Wealth. Having capital can get you pretty far in this world, regardless of talent or ability. Anyone with capital and a little smarts or ambition can do alright, maybe even near-success….
BJC: Jensen Ackles is another high profile Berkner success story. Did you ever watch him on "Days of Our Lives"? Do you watch him now on the WB hit series Supernatural?
Michael A: No, I have seen the Supernatural ads, though.
BJC: Who deserves to have his ass (figuratively) kicked more: Jeremy Coon or Jensen Ackles?
Michael A: Probably Jensen. If I remember, he’s had coaching and grooming for acting his entire life. He probably can get away doing what he does without talent. Coon seems to have come out of nowhere, which may mean he has some innate talent or unique perspective on the world. I’d rather see someone without talent who just learned how to look pensive get his ass kicked than someone who spends most of his time editing film.
BJC: So "beat Jeremy Coon" is what you're saying! Yes! Is there anyone from Berkner that you are trying to "beat" in the way I'm attempting to beat Jeremy Coon?
Michael A: No. Just myself every day.
BJC: As far as raw talent goes, is there anyone you know who deserves to make it big but can't quite get it together?
Michael A: Robby Slaughter could make a pile of money if he designs the right computer gadget, or he could probably help a lot of people out by applying his energies to social problems. If he ever puts his talents together in the right way, I think he could accomplish something meaningful.
BJC: What did you think of Napoleon Dynamite?
Michael A: I thought it was alright. I still recall some funny scenes from the movie. It really dragged in the middle, though I found the break dancing scene at the end of the movie to be very funny. It's worth seeing once.
BJC: Are you as excited about The Sasquatch Dumpling Gang as I am?
Michael A: Probably not, though you are more interested in movies than I am. I remember you once emailed me for a quote on the Blair Witch movie for a newpaper article you were writing. I didn’t reply because I was in Belize traipsing through the jungle where the only contact with the outside world was funneled through the local Mennonite community. I enjoy the movies but I usually either find something else to do or miss them because I am busy.
BJC: Have you or would you ever wear a Vote for Pedro T-shirt? Or are you more of a "Pedro Lacks Political Experience" kind of guy?
Michael A: I might wear one if I found it at the Goodwill for a couple of bucks. I certainly wouldn’t go out and spend $15 on one.
BJC: What Berkner grads have you talked to who know of Jeremy Coon's success? Were they impressed?
Michael A: My parents thought it was kind of interesting. The pool of Berkner kids I still talk to have all heard about it, but none seemed overwhelmed by Jeremy’s success.
BJC: How well did you know Jeremy Coon in high school? Was the possibility of world conquest already fomenting and straining his relations with the little people?
Michael A: I didn’t know him very well. He was a large blonde kid who spoke softly with a low voice. I think he wore a lot of dark colors, perhaps he was into alternative music fashion, though it might have been because the color black is supposed to be slimming. My impressions of him are few, but his demeanor and character were very similar to a bit character on the TV show ‘King of the Hill’. On that show, there is a kid in Bobby’s class that is blonde with the sides of his head shaved and long hair on top pulled back in a pony tail. The kid says sarcastic things in a low quiet voice, kind of like Jeremy Coon.
BJC: I hear Jeremy Coon sat behind you in Spanish class. Any stories from that? How was his Spanish? Think if Jeremy had taken French, half the world would be wearing "Vote for Pierre" T-shirts now?
Michael A: I don't remember Jeremy's Spanish "skills". Turning Pedro into Francophone Pierre could work if he was a foreign exchange student, but then they would have to cut the sterotypical mexican lowrider scene.
BJC: They could have replaced it with a hilarious snail eating scene. I wonder how Napoleon would react to seeing someone eat snails! He'd probably say, "Ugh, gross!" Oh well. How did Jeremy Coon functional socially? Did he have a lot of friends? A lot of enemies? Did he ever seem to be dating anyone? Did he ever get into any fights? What did people think of him? Was he cool or was he a nerd? And if he was a nerd, was he, as Nick Stevens suggests in his interview, a "predator among the nerds... who ruled with an iron fist"?
Michael A: Didn’t know him that well, though I hear Hillary Bryant has a good story about him.
BJC: What sort of cliques did Jeremy hang around? Who were his closest friends?
Michael A: I remember that he hung around other kids that wore black clothes, doc martin boots, and seemed to enjoy alternative music.
BJC: I hear he was close with Bonnie Coover, the girl who broke my heart forever in seventh grade. Did you know her? Did she ever say why she broke up with me?
Michael A: I ran into her at UT through her friendship with Robby, though I never knew her. I hope someday you can get over the breakup.
BJC: What's your feeling about the Berkner community reaction to Jeremy Coon? Is he a hero to us? Has he finally given Berkner the credibility it's long been seeking? Or is he a blight, a menace?
Michael A: He’ll probably be a hero of sorts, though I think many won’t be very impressed unless he is involved in a large Hollywood movie.
BJC: What do you make of Jeremy Coon saying (after high school, but before Napoleon Dynamite), "Rhys was so weird in high school, he was an untouchable, even to me"? Was I an untouchable?!?
Michael A: You were pretty weird, man. You only shaved half your mustache during the senior year. I think you were still rather introverted then, which doesn’t help ones social standing.
BJC: Did you see any similarities between Jeremy Coon and the character of Napoleon Dynamite?
Michael A: Coon did sort of have the same low, dry voice as Nap Dyno.
BJC: Did you know that Jeremy Coon was a Mormon? Does it make sense in retrospect? Do you think he was hiding it?
Michael A: I did not know that JC was a Mormon.
BJC: What have your experiences with Mormons been like?
Michael A: I had a “straight-edge” Mormon kid live with me for a couple of months. He was a pain in the ass, a walking contradiction that would get high on Jesus and then engage in a host of vices I don’t think the other JC would approve of. Right before he moved out, I got him to finally buy some TP for the bathroom. I was looking forward to using it after he left but the dude took it with him. He didn’t really put Mormonism in a good light for me.
I also met this Mormon couple doing archaeology. They never ceased talking about archaeology, and considering Mormons believe that Native Americans are descendants of the lost tribes of Israel, I have to question their motives, and the interpretations they make in their research.
BJC: I once considered converting to Mormonism to beat Jeremy Coon with his own tools. I've kind of let that plan fall by the wayside. Should I revive it?
Michael A: I don’t think you can be a Saint if you are a Mormon...that may complicate your decision.
BJC: Michael, if that's a play on words, that's brilliant. If not, well... Mormons are by definition Saints! Just not in the Catholic sense of Saints needing to do something important. Anyway, of all people to make it big from our school, did you ever suspect it might be Jeremy Coon?
Michael A: No.
BJC: Who hasn't made it big from our school that you thought would?
Michael A: I still expect good things from Duncan Gilman, and yourself obviously. I also wonder what ever happened to Celeste Villanova. She seemed exceptionally driven to succeed in the arts for a teenager, so I wouldn’t be surprised if she accomplished some degree of notoriety.
[Ed's Note: Well, Celeste is here in New York City, if that tells you anything. The Empire State! The Big Apple! Home of Broadway! The birthplace of millions!]
BJC: High school reunions are basically a time for showing off what you've done with your life. How do you think you'll fare at the Berkner class of '97 10-year reunion?
Michael A: I think I’ll fare alright because I have followed an interesting path in which I haven’t had to compromise too many of my values to achieve what I have. I also feel that I am successful at what I do, and even though I won’t match up financially to most of my peers I still feel like I am on a righteous path.
BJC: Do high school reunions matter? Does the prospect of one make you want to try harder? Will you even go?
Michael A: The reunion has no bearing on how I direct my actions, but I do think it matters. I think it is good to reflect on where you come from, and to connect with people who have some of the same shared experiences. I’ve also forgotten a lot of stupid things that I’ve done, so it would be nice to be reminded of them by friends with better memories. I’ll go if I am in Texas, but I probably won’t if I am out of state unless the date of the reunion coincides with something else I need to do in Dallas.
BJC: Are you at all concerned with Jeremy Coon basically blasting us all out of the water by being the producer of such a fantastically successful movie and going on to produce The Sasquatch Dumpling Gang and God knows what else by summer 2007?
Michael A: If he comes I think he will get more attention and respect than he would have otherwise, but I don’t think he will be the “star” of the reunion. Maybe I’m wrong but it doesn’t register much beyond a “how ‘bout that,” or “well, that’s cool,” for me. Come on, its not like he’s the Cohen brothers... there’s only one of him. Though if he has a brother, the “Coon Brothers” has an interesting ring to it.
BJC: By the time our high school reunion rolls around, will everyone at Berkner already know that Jeremy Coon is the big success story? Are they going to be clinging to him?
Michael A: I think about ½ will know about his success, and he will probably get more attention than if he had gone to college and become an archaeologist.
BJC: Do you think there are any contenders from our class of '97 who might possibly out-success Jeremy Coon? If so, who and how?
Michael A: I met our class president out in LA a few years ago, Grace I think? She is working for some big famous Asian actress who was in that Crouching Tiger movie, so she can probably name-drop more.
BJC: Do you think Jeremy Coon will even appear at our high school reunion?
Michael A: My guess is he probably won’t if he is busy working on the west coast. I didn’t really know him well enough to gauge his capacity for nostalgia.
BJC: In what ways has your life not lived up to your post-high school graduation expectations?
Michael A: Well, come to think of it, I haven’t slept with hundreds of women. That was probably a goal when I was 18.
BJC: I know it's up to me, and of course I have a plan, but do you have any suggestions for what, preciesly, I should do to beat Jeremy Coon?
Michael A: Keep writing and place yourself in an environment where you work can be appreciated. Being in NYC is probably your best bet.
BJC: What about my Beat Jeremy Coon blog itself? It's fairly time-consuming when I'm actually working on it. Is it counter-productive to my goal?
Michael A: It might be. If Coon was a bigger name, you might garner some notoriety from the site, but at this stage of Coon’s career, he doesn’t have a great presence. I would only post something when you make a great advancement towards Beating Jeremy Coon. Perhaps you could have a section of the website where others post what they are doing to beat Jeremy Coon, or perhaps beat their own personal “Jeremy Coon”.
BJC: What's the road to success?
Michael A: Take calculated risks.
BJC: Tell me everything else you can think of about Jeremy Coon.
Michael A: His photo on the Apple website makes him look like a tool. If he’s going to be a famous Hollywood producer, he needs to look the part. That may be his downfall.
I sure hope so! Thanks, Michael!
