This is not a good day for me.

I feel fine. Great really. But my situation is a billion times worse than terrible.

Jensen Ackles - who graduated a year ahead of me at Berkner then moved to Los Angeles to be a soap opera star and quickly fizzle out (or so I thought) - is "starring" in Supernatural, a new series by the guy who did The X-Files.

I put "starring" in quotes, to try to diminish his achievement. But by any reasonable standard, Jensen actually is starring in it. And boy is he happy.

Does he have to be so jaw-droppingly attractive? I'll never look exactly like him, no matter how hard I try. Christ almighty!

The Internet Movie Database lists two actors for Supernatural, and Jensen gets top billing. Sure, it's alphabetical, and maybe he'll be the Skully to Jared Padalecki's Mulder. But he's still one of two actors in a David Nutter series. Is there a third actor and is it me? Nope. I thought Jensen Ackles was history, but history is what Jensen Ackles has made. He may be Class of '96, but he'll be lurking around the '97 reunion, if only in spirit. Now I've got even more to beat.

But here's the real killer. Napoleon Dynamite Action Figures. Remember the My Dinner with Andre action figures at the end of Waiting for Guffman? That was funny because My Dinner with Andre was a boring, somewhat obscure art film with undynamic characters and hardly any cultural cache. Completely ill-suited for action figures, which represent the ultimate in pop culture triumph. Once you've got those, and a friggin' bill passed in the Idaho legislature singing your praises, there's simply nowhere else to go. Even though this action figure looks more like a trophy than a toy you can smash around. Could Jeremy Coon's Oscar envy be poisoning the Napoleon Dynamite merch?

Nevertheless. Won't other people's success ever stop?! I'm doing all I can do right now. How can I outpace this behemouth? Maybe it would help if I had an office job where I could goof off on the internet all day. That way I could blog and email for 80 percent of the work day, and write plays and poems at home.

The problem is, I always fall asleep at office jobs. When I was working at ABC, I ate while I worked, and every lunch break I snuck down to the basement (where ABC puts all of its broken florescent light bulbs) to take an hour-long nap. There were some collapsed cardboard boxes I used as a mattress, so I wouldn't have to sleep on the musty, concrete floor. The rare times a worker person would show up, I propped one of the boxes up against the corner of the wall and hid behind it. If they were there snooping around long enough, I would fall asleep in the corner too. I couldn't help myself. Offices make me drowsy.

I didn't even know what a blog was when Joe and I wrote Who is Jim Holt? I don't know if it was that or our virginities that that made us so driven. I will become a born-again virgin if that's what it takes. But I will never be a born-again non-blogger. Nothing will make repress who I really am.

Comments

[cindi moreland]

I hate to make your day worse, but yesterday morning on 94.7 J.B. and Sandy spent fifteen minutes on the phone with someone in Hollywood talking about the rumor that there's going to be a Napoleon Dynamite sequel. Everyone agreed that if the rumor's true, people would start camping out waiting for tickets!! Sorry.

[rachel]

Oh Rhys, you are soooo much more attractive than that Justin character.

[Nick]

I agree with Rachel.

[jessica]

im your number one fan you are so hot

[H.D.]

Hey...I am your biggest fan. I also think youre hot

[alex]

yeahhh i dunno how i found this blog.... or what its about, but you're better looking then that dude. but you probably just wanted us to say that.

[christian louboutin]

*This was an age of innocence and happiness.

[buy from taobao]

good job guys

[Air Jordan]

The surest way of spoiling a pleasure is to start examining your satisfaction.

[ClubPenguin]

You're better looking then that dude. but you probably just wanted us to say that.

[cheap jersey]

I suggest your loyal readers do the same. It asks what you think of Jeremy Coon and the choice is obvious

[human hair extensions]

i personally loved the blog and find it quite hallarious, but also quite true... with few fixes on ur mormon cons, but it happens.

[Reebok Football Patriots Jersey]

"Great expectations:Rookie offensive tackle Gabe Carimi moved into the startinglineup in the first week of training camp, as almost everyone whowatched the Bears' offensive line play lastseason, expected.