Warning, readers. Nicholas John Stevens always shoots from the hip… even in email interviews in which he deliberates for weeks over the answers. This is how he was born, and how he will forever be. See?
He was my first friend at Dartmouth Elementary when I moved from Irving to Richardson. Even in sixth grade, he was a man who minced no words. His first bit of new kid advice to me was that playing soccer was the only worthwhile thing to do at recess. I’d given up soccer years prior, though, and a few days later, I fell in with a new crowd - a crowd that flirted with the girls at recess. Little did I know, it was Nick who was destined to become the ladies man to beat them all. All, perhaps, save for Jensen Ackles.
My friendship with Nick was sporadic from elementary on, finally blooming in high school when we played roller hockey and Dungeons and Dragons together just about every week. I was Basil Spire, half-elf thief-mage… and he was the best darned Dungeon Master in Dallas Country.
We also spent many an evening at Café Brazil, Dallas’s answer to The Max, chatting up all the issues of the hour. Sample topic: Why do people move so slowly in outer space, particularly on the moon? Is being in space like being under water? Or, are astronauts just afraid of losing control and flying off into a black hole? Or are the space suits just really heavy, even in low gravity? Now, of course, the answer is obvious. But remember, this was high school, and we were still groping. Some of us, in more ways than one.
Nick and I went to different universities after graduating high school, but we always got together for some D&D during school holidays. I'm not ashamed, but Nick would probably want me to point out here that we weren’t the nerdy type of role players - we didn’t actually believe we were fighting real dragons.
Then Nick graduated and moved to Sweden, for reasons I didn’t fully understand at the time. I hadn’t seen him in over two years when I happened to find myself in Prague earlier this year. Prague’s not so far from Stockholm, and I took a low-cost airline flight up to see him. Because of Sterling Air’s draconian baggage weight limits, I had to dump most of my books and clothes at the airport in Prague. But it was worth it.
After a rocky start adjusting to Sweden’s image-conscious ways (they wouldn’t let me sit against a trash can because “that looks bad”), we hit it off just like old times. Unfortunately, I was only there for 11 days, which was plenty of time to take a bunch of photos, but not nearly enough time to finish the game of D&D we started. And no, D&D haters, I was not Basil Spire this time. I was a human warrior.
But back to my previous warning. Living in Europe, even for as brief a time as two years, will change anyone’s sensibilities. For the worse. The Nick Stevens I knew from high school was chivalrous, gentlemanly, and as feminist as a man as chiseled as him can possibly be.
The Nick Stevens of today is all these things and more. BUT. Sweden – as calm and sedate as it is in most ways – is at its heart a depraved swirling cesspool of decadent sexuality and perversions. Type "love" into a Swedish computer, and you're sure to get a "FATAL ERROR" response immediately. No one who lives there can fully escape its corrupting influence. Except for me. I was there for 11 days, and the only thing that happened to me was a little bloating from the unlimited bread at restaurants.
“You don’t believe in God here,” Nick informed me early on. So I was not too surprised when I wandered into the youth hangout “LAVA” one day, and found scores of teenagers openly making out on sofas put there for that very purpose. Just imagine what they were doing when out of the public eye! Probably nothing, since they thrive on the exhibitionism. Being in an environment like that is bound to warp anyone. Even someone as saintly and God-fearing as my friend Nick.
I also think he’s read one too many Michel Houellebecq novels, personally.
I’ve done my best to protect sensitive readers from the bitter truths about human nature that Nick has witnessed all too many times. Perhaps he expatriated to Sweden primarily to escape these realities. Imagine his dismay when he discovered that Sweden was not the innocent land of windmills and tulips that so many think it is. (That’s Holland, by the way.)
Whatever the root cause of the Nick’s frankness regarding sexual matters, I am aware of the generally wholesome nature of this blog, and therefore censored it as thoroughly and as conservatively as I could. Yet for the more sensitive readers, no censorship could ever possibly go far enough.
Nick is nothing if not a crusader against sexuality and unchecked promiscuity. The stories he has to tell are not intended for the weak of heart - nor for the weak of loins - but be told they must. Nick's cautionary tales reveal the reality of the world that you, I, and even Jeremy Coon (to a lesser extent) inhabit. To put on blinders - to hide from the grotesque and the morally deformed nature of this revolving, revoluting blue battleship - is the worst crime of all.
You have been warned. A couple of times. You probably need one more disclaimer. WATCH OUT!
Nick shoots from the hip on himself and Sweden.
BJC: First tell me a little about yourself. Who are you, where are you, how did you get there, what do you do, what's your life philosophy, and how do we know each other?
Nick: Nicholas John Stevens. Stockholm, Sweden. I am an art director for the largest free entertainment/fashion magazine in Sweden, and a mens' lifestyle magazine distributed in Scandinavia.
Without being cliché on a life philosophy, I suppose I just think that people should always do things with every drop of blood and life in them. Do not go half way. Allow yourself to dream and always strive to be the best.
We know each other from elementary school. Dartmouth.
[Ed’s note: Perhaps it was no coincidence that Dartmouth Elementary’s school slogan was “Carpe Diem: Suck the Marrow out of Life.”]
BJC: How did you end up in Sweden?
Nick: I met my girlfriend Kristine at UNT who happens to be Half-Swedish. When we graduated together in 02 we wanted to move to Europe. At first we wanted to live in Paris, but then decided to move to Stockholm first to get a better foothold in Europe by going somewhere more familiar to at least one of us.
BJC: How is life different in Sweden? How are the people different?
Nick: Life is rather calm for this being the capital city of Sweden. I enjoy living here because the topography is beautiful and, while having the luxury of a big-city-lifestyle, Stockholm retains its rural, more relaxed and personable feel.
I have found people are considerably more withdrawn here and I have found it rather difficult to make any close friends at all.
Yes, I have plenty of friends, but none that I am anywhere near as close to as friends from university and before. I can not say whether that is a result of being in a foreign country or if it is in fact the nature of Swedish people.
I suppose you have to put a little belief in the cliche of the obtuse Scandinavian artist. Working in the wee hours of the morning under a burning midnight sun, he drives himself, hairless chest and freshly shaven scrotum to develop his art into its purest form. You may not undertstand what the fuck he is doing but God forbid you do not take it with the utmost seriousness.
No, but more seriously, people hold back more here and I think after they have made their childhood friends they do not feel the need to expand that close friend base as they get older.
BJC: How's the new apartment?
Nick: It has been loads of work. I know that at least if should change career paths at some point down the road I have home-remodeling as an option.
BJC: Will you still be living in Sweden by '07? If not, where?
Nick: It is quite possible I will still be here. That is mostly based on whether my work here continues to be profitable and rewarding. Although, I do plan to move to Paris in a few years. Currently I do not have an exact date on that move, though.
BJC: How do the Swedes like Napoleon Dynamite?
Nick: They do not know anything about it. Zero. I did show the trailer to a co-worker who loves comedy recently and she did not think it was funny at all. Jennie, our stylist, kind of just looked at the trailer trying to humor me with a forced smile, as though she could not hold back the laughter. All it did was make my underarms sweat a little. [Ed’s note: My kind of country.]
BJC: How did you like it?
Nick: I thought it was hilarious. My brother and sister almost died from laughter though and they were quoting the film over our family's entire winter vacation in Lake Tahoe. I was not that taken aback, but I am not going to defuse my enthusiasm. I thoroughly enjoyed the film.
BJC: Would you ever wear a Vote for Pedro T-shirt?
Nick: No.
BJC: Good.
Nick tells it straight about the woman who absconded with my heart 14 years ago, and never gave it back. I had to get a new one. It doesn't even make a pumping noise. Just a weird swishing sound.
BJC: Okay, let’s get down to business. All my readers are here to read about one person, and one person only. As you know, I had a month-long romance with one Bonnie Coover (Let’s call her “B” to protect her identity) in seventh grade. She broke my heart on trumped up charges, blah blah blah.
Anyway. I know she and I were 12 and only went out for a month, but do you think it's at least partially my doing that Bonnie, *ahem*, "joined the other team" so to speak? I mean, of course it’s good for one to discover oneself and so on, and I would be proud if I had any part of that. But could I have been that bad a kisser?
Nick: I was not aware of that fully until just now. Very unfortunate. She, as I remember, was fairly attractive. Considering you were 12, I doubt that you two got the chance to rub each others baby making bits, but 12 is a very impressionable time. I sincerely doubt that your one-month relationship had any direct effect on Bonnie being gay. Besides, if you had known better at that time, maybe you could have arranged a threesome, and that is a major turn-on.
[Ed’s note: How could you even insinuate such things? We kissed a few times. That was it.]
BJC: What do you make of Bonnie Coover being friends with Jeremy Coon in high school? Did she have a premonition of my future rivalry, and was she trying to salt the wounds?
Nick: Since I never really had any very deep conversations with Bonnie I can only speculate. As for future rivalry, I am sure she had no idea. I do not think anybody would have ever grouped you and Jeremy into anything together.
BJC: You never went out with Bonnie Coover, did you? Were you ever friends with her?
Nick: I kind of answered that in the previous question. In the latter years of high-school and into college I consumed a considerable tonage of alcohol so I have destroyed large portions of my brain. That aside, I am sure we never "went out" even in the most loose sense of the phrase.
It is possible, however, that I kissed her once. Oh wait, that was Rebecca Simpson, in college. Pure dementia. By the way, that is another person I had some small contact with from Berkner. Oh yeah, Kathryn Estes too. Very attractive now. Sorry, I am very off topic here.
BJC: What did you hear about why she wanted to break up with me?
Nick: She thought you were gay or bi-curious. No. Really, I have no idea anymore.
[Ed’s note: If there is hope, it lies in the Proles]
Nick Stevens dishes the dirt on Dartmouth Elementary, Apollo Junior High, and Berkner High School.
BJC: Okay, fine. Let’s move on - like I should have done 14 years ago. Are you in touch with any Berkner people at all?
Nick: Michael Choi, Justin Blanton, Casey McLauchlin, Rhys Southan (obviously), Charles John Hoffman V (my brother), Jeff Stevens (my other brother).
BJC: How would you compare Berkner people to the rest of the world? Are we different?
Nick: I thought there were a lot of talented people at our school. Also a lot of wasted flesh. People that had promise or people that I wanted to fuck, etc. Oh, guess it is similar to the rest of the world.
BJC: As far as raw talent goes, is there anyone you know who deserves to make it big but can't quite get it together?
Nick: Big? I could name someone whose work I believe should be recognized. Justin Blanton.
BJC: What Berkner grads have you told of Jeremy Coon's success? Were they impressed?
Nick: I told Michael, but he seemed to not give a shit. Michael is very hard to surprise or impress. You cannot bullshit Michael, because if you did, he wouldn’t even care.
BJC: What was your connection to Robby Slaughter and Duncan Gilman in school?
Nick: I very remotely knew them, but had no connection. I was in band with Robby and maybe Duncan too for while, but I dropped out because the band director was a whining lump of dough that wanted me to do marching band. It just looked too queer for me to partake in.
BJC: Is there anything that stands out about Berkner that might account for so many success and near-success stories?
Nick: They know how to nurture talent at Berkner. Now Coach Dubey on the other hand...
BJC: How well did you know Jeremy Coon in elementary school? What was he like then?
Nick: I have already said that I have destroyed many braincells, but from what I remember he was a relatively close friend. He looked exactly the same as he does now on that picture on this blog (slightly mongoloid). He was always a bit of a class clown. He liked to play jokes on people, especially on the other kids.
BJC: How well did you know Jeremy Coon in middle school? Were you in band with him? What was that like? Was he different in middle school than in elementary school?
Nick: In middle school I knew Jeremy fairly well because we were in band everyday together. He was still very much the same. He was a joker in band. Him, Chris Rivers, and I were all trombone players and usually all sat as the last three chairs emptying spit from our slides onto trumpet players like Eric Rodgers.
BJC: How well did you know Jeremy Coon in high school? Was he still the same old Jeremy? Once you quit band, were you in touch with him at all?
Nick: He may have become more serious about band because he was marching and from what I know you had to really WANT to be good at marching to even be there. That is precisely why I became distanced from him. In band, the nerds were able to form together and create a strong enough clique to drive out simple slacker musicians, like me. I still knew Jeremy at that point but was no longer hanging out with him.
BJC: How did Jeremy Coon functional socially? Did he have a lot of friends? A lot of enemies? Did he ever seem to be dating anyone? Did he ever get into any fights? What did people think of him? Was he cool or was he a nerd?
Nick: Jeremy, from what I remember, was a predator among the nerds. You might even say he was the king nerd. He never seemed to have any enemies, only friends to my knowledge. Almost as though the other nerds followed him out of fear. You might even say he ruled with an iron fist. If you were unwilling to laugh at his jokes or humour you ran the risk of being the butt of his next joke.
People like me were immune, but he had other ways with my kind. Complete ignorance of an individual. Very similar to the African tribes' practice "Leaving out". This is where they would take an elderly person who was of no use any longer and leave him out in the deepest part of the jungle.
I do not think Jeremy ever got into a fight, but I would love to hear about it if you find out he did. He probably would have fought a very small weak nerdy guy in front of a lot of people to be able to further establish his authority.
BJC: What sort of cliques did Jeremy hang around? Who were his closest friends?
Nick: His closest friend was Chris Rivers. Chris was always a very good friend of mine and I think he is a very cool guy. He was built like a Greek god even in middle school and was always good-looking and a real level headed guy. He often wore his heart on his sleeve, though.
BJC: What's your feeling about the Berkner community reaction to Jeremy Coon? Is he a hero to us? Has he finally given Berkner the credibility it's long been seeking? Or is he a blight, a menace?
Nick: It will not surprise me if he completely blows off everyone from Berkner. I mean have you considered the possibility that Jeremy Coon may not show up to the high-school reunion? If he does not show up, do you think they will mention his name in a list of successful individuals from Berkner? Jeremy is a filmmaker and Berkner does not have any filmmaking classes as far as I know. Berker will get its credibility when Jeremy breaks into the mainstream.
I do not know anything about "the Berkner community reaction to Jeremy". Please clarify.
[Ed’s note: How can I clarify? This was an email interview.]
BJC: What do you make of Jeremy Coon saying, "Rhys was so weird, he was an untouchable, even to me."
Nick: I suppose he just did not understand your ways.
[Ed’s note: "Ways"? Please clarify. Oh, you can’t, cause I’m writing this after the interview. Ha! See how you like it!]
Nick Stevens on religion and its powerlessness against the depravity that plagues our schools and our video stores. Don’t shoot the messenger, folks. Nick is merely the messenger. And especially don’t shoot the messenger of the messenger. Cause that’s me. In this segment of the interview, Nick reveals the seedy underside of high school life, a world I never even dared imagine while in it. While Sodom and Gomorrah raged through those once hallowed halls, I was dutifully attending screenwriter meetings at the home of a 70 year old man every Friday night. The filthy abyss Nick offers us a peek into is bizarro upside down high school reality that Jeremy Coon probably never imagined either. In this, if nothing else, we share a bond. Nick also goes on to mention why Jensen Ackles might be the bigger threat. Remember that warning a while back? Well, don't worry, I'm not bringing it up here for any particular reason.
BJC: Did you know that Jeremy Coon was a Mormon? Does it make sense in retrospect? Do you think he was hiding it?
Nick: I did not know. I had no idea. I suppose it makes sense that he never really seemed to have any fun. It is entirely possible he thought being Mormon was a little embarrassing.
BJC: What have your experiences with Mormons been like?
Nick: In high-school I worked at a video store called Doctor Video. That was a nice gig. The entire staff were all friends of mine. Even one of the managers was one of my buddies. Casey McLauchlin, Charlie Hoffman, and Justin Blanton were all members of the staff at one point or another.
At some point we needed to replace one of our employees and somebody had interviewed this great-looking broad (I later learned she was Mormon) that had just moved to Dallas. She immediately took a liking to Casey. From day one Casey was putting his hands all over her tight, firm little body and she seemed to be really liking. She was rather tall and thin and had two small perky breasts that were perfect for a mouthful and then some. Cat-like eyes sat neatly above a button-nose and thick moist lips completed the ensemble.
Turns out Casey started getting blow-jobs in the front seat of his Jeep Cherokee every night that they closed up shop together. She would pull his cock out right there in front of the shop at around 10:30pm and start by lovingly stroking it up and down in long smooth strokes.
"I think for your birthday I'm gonna give you sex, Casey," she told him as she enveloped his erection with her mouth. "Okay," Casey said, and then he ejaculated into her mouth after 8 seconds of immense pleasure.
And of course, Casey finally got to penetrate her as well in the bathroom one night. Only, she could not quite wait until his birthday. This really made me jealous. Casey was fucking more than me (I was not fucking at all). And on top of that, this girl was Mormon. She had told me that she was not supposed to be drinking caffeinated beverages. Apparently she had no problem putting the head of Casey's penis in her mouth, though.
As the story goes, she had been married under a shotgun wedding back in Utah. Her father had forced her to marry the trailer-trash psycho (Mormon) who knocked her up and now wanted to kill Casey when he began to suspect the blow-jobs. The guy was beating her and possibly her younger sister and who knows what else, maybe their child too.
It was an all-around scary situation for Casey. That is when he decided to move on to her sexier sister (also Mormon). Nothing ever happened (to my knowledge), but believe me I had my fantasies.
This girl refused to ever speak a word. She was the same age as us, 17 or 18. I never once heard her spout a single fucking word. I shit you not. The opposite of his sister, who was flirting with everything in sight.
BJC: Okay, but not all Mormons are like that. What do you think about me converting to Mormonism to improve my odds at creative success?
Nick: First of all, I hope you have not decided to convert to Mormonism. The idea is to BEAT Jeremy Coon, not become Jeremy Coon. If you feel that you need to apply constraints to yourself in order to focus your creative energy, then use your own willpower.
I recently read that second book by Houellebecq and in there I think he would agree with you on your argument that Christianity added to Judaism (Jesus) making it a better framework for human individuality and creativity. You took it a step further saying that Mormonism added Joseph Smith. I think maybe you should weigh in Catholicism into your comparison as well.
You have to remember that the Catholic Church has always been very in tuned with the fact that human beings find monotheism to be very difficult. And in the Catholic religion you have many saints each with their own special departments of life in which they have sway. Saint Mary is revered almost as highly as the baby Jesus.
I am no specialist in Catholicism, but I think it would be interesting to see what it has to offer as well. They also have confession. This is a major strong point because it allows the believer to commit wrongful acts and then atone for them by confessing them to a priest. Another strong point is since you are living in NYC there are a number of Catholic churches available to you.
BJC: Rachel was beside herself with joy when I told her that you suggested I turn Catholic.
Nick: I am just afraid of you converting to Mormonism AFTER finding out about Coon. Besides, look at Jensen Ackles. He is just an everyday ordinary Christian. He attends my parents’ church every time he is back in Richardson. Yes, I have been to church a couple of times in the past two years.
Last time when I was visiting TX, Justin crashed at my place after a night of heavy drinking and I wanted to make my mom proud. So, I talked Justin into waking up at 8am the next morning and going to church. Wouldn't you know it, but Jensen was there. After the service we briefly tussled with the idea of humiliating him in front of his little entourage, but decided maybe next time. Considering we had just come out of church and all.
I will never forget the small loosely packed group of young girls and some older guys who just wanted to be near Jensen. Kind of stating, "Yeah, I know Jensen."
We used to play neighborhood football from time to time with him. Mud and dirt scared him. Now I can see though, from an early age he was sculpting his Hollywood career.
BJC: Who deserves to have his ass (figuratively) kicked more: Jeremy Coon or Jensen Ackles?
Nick: Jensen. Definitely Jensen, because he is good-looking too. Even if I were just a drop-out-GED-educated-burger-flipper I could still say I am better looking than Jeremy Coon. Also, I was kind of friends with Jeremy for a while at least.
Beyond that, there is nothing to this day that actually has shown me that Jensen has any talent at all. So, to make it onto TV and not have any talent earns you an ass-kickin' (figuratively speaking of course). For the record I would never administer an ass-kicking to Jensen Ackles, unless he put his soft, sweaty little fuckin hands on me.
BJC: No talent? Check out Jensen in this tear jerker of a scene:
BJC: Nevertheless, you thought Jensen had missed his big chance, right? Tell me a little bit about that theory, and also what you think now that he's starring in the new series by the X-Files guy.
Nick: Well, in the late 90s that was a major opening in the market for that kind of boyish good looks that Jensen has. All he needed was the right publicist and stylist. Obviously he did not get it. Somebody should have at least told him to let a little bit of the stubble show from time-to-time. The new TV show is something I do not know about. "What have they done to our earth? What have they done to our fair sister?"
BJC: Do you begrudge Jensen Ackles for going out with... let’s call her “C”?
Nick: Not at all. He dated "C" a long time after I did. Her and I broke up in ninth grade and her and Jensen may have started dating in 11th grade.
The only thing I begrudge is myself is for not getting to f*ck her. I know that Jensen did. So I begrudge that. I could have been more tactful in my approach. I think she broke up with me because I was moving too fast. She dumped me a few days after a band event where we went to some amusement park.
The evening on the bus ride home I started to gently caress her ass and her inner upper thighs as she lay across my lap. She started to breath a little more controlled. Slow and deep. So, I slid a finger gently under her shorts and into her panties. She tensed a little bit as my index finger brushed along the outer lips of her vagina.
I felt she was moist so I began to pull one of the lips aside to insert my finger inside her when she pulled away and sat up as if she had just woken from a deep sleep. Then she looked at me and asked what time it was even though she was wearing a watch. I shrugged, "I dunno." I think it scared her and even though she did not ever say anything about it, she wanted to break up I guess a week later.
I got her ready for Jensen to slither his way in. I bet that she put his penis in her mouth too. I could never even get her to touch my penis.
You do not have to include those last two sentences on the blog.
[Ed’s note: Uh… just the last two?]
Let's Get Back to That Jeremy Coon Fellow, Shall We?
BJC: So... physically, how would you describe Jeremy Coon? Was he at least somewhat chubby?
Nick: Was he not fat back then? I distinctly remember him being a very large guy. Just all around big. His legs looked and moved like the Tin Man. [Ed’s note: Thank you!]
BJC: How did you find out that Jeremy Coon produced Napoleon Dynamite? Was it a shock?
Nick: I saw his name in the credits as producer and then looked it up on the internet to make sure. Yes, I was a little surprised.
BJC: You told me you saw a lot of similarities between Jeremy Coon and Napoleon Dynamite. Could you explain?
Nick: Well, I do not know if I could say I saw a lot of similarities, but there were some similar aspects. I can not really recall our conversation about it very well. One thing was that Napoleon was in a way a bully or a bit agressive to the other individuals that hung around him in the movie. I would have to say that Jeremy had that streak in him as well.
[Ed’s note: Nick’s basic thesis was that because of Jeremy Coon’s size and aggressiveness, coupled with his dorky interests and social awkwardness, he managed to be both a nerd and a bully, similar to Napoleon Dynamite. *I* have only recently begun destroying large portions of my brain.]
BJC: Of all people to make it big from our school, did you ever suspect it might be Jeremy Coon?
Nick: No, but I do not think he HAS made it big... yet.
BJC: Who hasn't made it big from our school that you thought would?
Nick: I thought you would have some recognized work out there by now.
BJC: I admit, I'm a little behind. I spent most of my weekends in high school going to screenwriter meetings at the house of Harry P, a screenwriting teacher I met at the Dallas community college. Besides hanging out with you and Casey at Cafe Brazil, that was basically my social life. Was that a mistake? Was Harry helping me hone my craft, or was he just trying to get into my pants? Oh, and did you ever make it big off of those crappy headshots he took?
Nick: Well, I do not know if I could say that the choices you made then were a mistake. Do we all not look back in hindsight and realize that we should have put more effort into certain things?
For me, Cafe Brazil was an important step because it gave my friends a neutral forum to discuss relevant issues that we were facing. Anywhere from space travel to music to getting blow-jobs was all fair game. Aside from a neutral battle ground it allowed me to begin something of a social life without club-hopping, and to view the animals in their cages at a safe distance. Of course I always had the opportunity to put my hand in-between the bars.
For you, as a writer you have to experience things to be able to communicate your feelings with any kind of authenticity. So, the experiences you took from those Preston meetings and Cafe Brazil are yours to digest, regurgitate, and worth-assess.
No, I am still waiting for that call on the headshots.
BJC: High school reunions are basically a time for showing off what you've done with your life. How do you think you'll fare at the Berkner class of '97 10-year reunion? Probably helps that you've been jetting all around the world, huh?
Nick: I will be more of a casual observer than anything else. I am extremely interested in this potentially poignant moment for many people where they get the opportunity to really show everyone how wonderful they turned out despite what they were ten years ago. I am very curious to see the personalities. This will be an event rich with material. As an artist you simply can not pass this up.
I think most people will remember who I am even though I was kind of in no special classification or clique when I was in high-school. However, I do not think I will remember many people. I have gotten very bad with names and I did not really pay that much attention to people that were not either good friends or girls that I wanted to fuck.
[Ed's note: Well, that still has to be most of the school, right? BAM! ... You weren't choosey with your good friends is the stinging implication to that barb!]
BJC: Do high school reunions matter? Does the prospect of one make you want to try harder? Will you even go?
Nick: As I just said, I think I have to go. If it is not the most ridiculous party I have ever been to, okay, I can leave. No big deal. But it is worth going to see what the buzz is about these things and why it is such an important moment to so many people. I do not want to try harder just because there is a reunion. I will be where I am in life when that time comes. My drive to excel in my field does not come from the need to impress people from my past. I do it because I have to.
BJC: Are you at all concerned with Jeremy Coon basically blasting us all out of the water by being the producer of such a fantastically successful movie and going on to produce more?
Nick: At the reunion it will be interesting to see if he does sink our battleships. In that context he may and if he does, for me, that will be just another interesting part of the event as a whole. Will there be banners hanging with welcome home Jeremy or a vote for most successful graduate... I don't know.
BJC: Do you think there are any contenders from our highschool who might possibly out-success Jeremy Coon? If so, who and how?
Nick: You could do it. You might even say, in certain circles, you already have. I guess success has to be based on a combination of money and celebrity. You have to have the perfect mix. You might do it with this documentary/film/performance art you are creating here. The climax will definitely be coming in 07. Very interesting. I WOULD NEVER MISS THIS REUNION. Not if I were on my death bed. I would have Michael wheel me in.
BJC: Do you think Jeremy Coon will even appear at our high school reunion? Why or why not?
Nick: Scary thought that he would not appear. But, I mean come on, HE WILL BE THERE. Unless he is working on a huge film and has a tight deadline. [Ed’s note: That would be just like him.]
BJC: Have you accomplished everything you hoped you would since high school?
Nick: I would never have imagined what I would be doing by now back then. Never. I love it. I am having a great time and look forward to each day.
BJC: In what ways has your life not lived up to your post-high school graduation expectations?
Nick: I thought I would be fucking more. [Ed’s note: I hope you don’t kiss your girlfriend with that mouth.]
BJC: By the time our high school reunion rolls around, will everyone at Berkner already know that Jeremy Coon is the big success story? Are they going to be clinging to him?
Nick: Yes, I think most of the people will know Jeremy has made at least one successful film. As of right now, that would, I guess, make him the highroller of '97. But do you think he will try to use his celebrity to have sex with a girl that used to be popular and good-looking back in 97? I think he might.
BJC: I know it's up to me, and of course I have a plan, but do you have any suggestions for what, preciesly, I should do to beat him?
Nick: Remember. Jeremy Coon was only the producer. As far as I am concerned that just means he had the money. Rhys, Casey and I both always said we knew that someday your work would be appreciated. You have a purity to your ideas that has universal appeal. Both imbeciles (Casey) and geniuses (me) can enjoy your wit. Plus, always remember, when it comes to looks you have a much better chance of getting laid than Jeremy. And in this day and age sex is a very powerful force. [Ed’s note: Apparently.]
BJC: What about the blog itself? It's fairly time-consuming. Is it counter-productive to my goal?
Nick: I think it is beautiful.
BJC: What's the road to success? Or are there many?
Nick: Depends on who you are. Many for some. None for others. I would say you have a few options. You are a talented writer living in New York, experiencing life. Sounds like you are on the right track.
BJC: Tell me everything else you can think of about Jeremy Coon.
Nick: I saw a picture of him on the internet at a Napoleon Dynamite premier wearing a tux. I think it was the same rent-a-tuxedo we wore at the concert we played in San Antonio in middle school symphonic band.
That's all the question I have for now. Thanks, Nick!
Finally... some smut! You just might beat the ol' Coon after all, Rhys!!
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