I take back everything I said about The Sasquatch Dumpling Gang. Especially about eating a pig if it fails. Here's what I knew about the movie when I critiqued it so harshly:
Nerds, misfits, and bullies collide when a set of strange footprints force them to overcome tested friendships, jealous rages, the loss of a beloved Pontiac Firebird, and the fear of kissing the opposite sex!
And my question to past Rhys is: yeah, and what's your problem with that? Besides that Jeremy Coon produced and is editing it, obviously. Simple: jealousy.
Seeing that premise made me think of when I took acting classes in middle school, and was cast in an ensemble piece called Camp Myscooty. I played a character named Airy, who was all into vibes and waves and stuff. There was another character who was afraid of birds, and at the end everyone learned to be themselves. Yeah, it was silly stuff, but we shot on a farm, and I made friendships that lasted... well at least for the duration of the shoot. It was probably the highlight of my year.
Obviously The Sasquatch Dumpling Gang is going to be better than this. For one thing, I have reason to believe that the writer and director is of the liberty mindset. Plus, they're not making a movie to pay acting students back for their tuition. They're making a movie for an audience. With real lights and cameras and hundreds of crew members in charge of just one power cord.
And yet, I bet that life on this professional Hollywood set is kind of like summer camp. I mean, it's about bigfoot and school kids and they're filming in Oregon. Sure, movies are stressful and hard work, and never worth it in the end, but making this one has to be a blast - even with Jeremy Coon smirking at everyone with that cocky grin of his and eating food off everyone's plates. Man, I wish I were making a movie right now! But that's why I need to be patient and work hard. In America, that's all it takes. Because most people here are too depressed to try at all.
You know what movie's actually going to suck, though? Untitled Jack Black Project (2006). Turns out Jeremy Coon and Napoleon Dynamite director Jared Hess have gone separate ways. And you know what? I think Jared is making a big mistake. Love him or hate him, Jeremy Coon still has the potential to make more movies like Napoleon Dynamite. He can find scripts by first-time writer/directors and put together low budget projects with them that don't necessarily follow Hollywood norms. Basically what he's doing with Sasquatch. With his insane success, however, Jared Hess has lost that ability. Or maybe even gave it up willingly.
The first thing I noticed about the film? Jerusha Hess, his wife and writing partner on Napoleon, is out. Guess the studio heads didn't want too many chefs simmering in the pot or whatever, but I always thought that Jerusha's involvement is what made Napoleon Dynamite work. It would have sucked jelly without her, no doubt in my mind. Ditching her to cowtow to the unsmiling out-of-touch men-in-fancy-designer-nooses was mistake number one.
This time Jared is co-writing with Mike White instead, the guy who wrote School of Rock. An awesome movie, to be sure, but it was Richard Linklater who kept White from writing School of Rock as a cliched piece of garbage. Where's Linklater this time? Probably introducing some Fassbinder festival at The Alamo Drafthouse in a hawiian T-shirt.
You think this Mike White/Jack Black/quirky young indie director set-up is a coincidence? Oh contraire, my friar! Nickelodeon knows exactly what it wants already. Hiring Hess was just a formality. In the end, they'll get what they're expecting: an edgy yet obvious children's movie that even adults can love. And Hess, who once had his own vision - thanks to his wife - is just going along with the suits. But here's the most tragic part. Take a look at the premise:
In this true life inspired story, Black will play a Mexican priest who moonlights as a masked Lucha Libre wrestler in order to save an orphanage destined for closure. All the while, the priest must keep his identity hidden from the wrestling community and the church.
HELLoooooo! The reason Napoleon Dynamite was great (aside from the Jerusha factor) was because it was written, directed and produced by Mormons, starred unknown Mormon actors, and was secretly about Mormons. It was fresh and new, with in-jokes for modern day saints (every Mormon would know that Kip is a return missionary who never got his life together after his mission), but with universal humor for everyone else. Like when Napoleon racks his balls trying to jump a ramp on that bike. Sweet!
The Untitled Jack Black Movie (of course it's untitled... who involved with this project is passionate enough about it to name it?), however, is about Catholics - an over-exposed religion already. Who hasn't heard of the Pope or child molestation? Umm, let's see, that's no one. But who the hell knows what the Telestial Kindgom is? All of the Western World if Jared Hess would stick to his guns!
The secular humanist studio suits - who can't differentiate between sects of Christianity the way non-biologists can't recognize a toad from a frog - were like, "Hey, isn't that Hess kid some sort of religious guy? Let's put him on that priest thing." Their ignorance, while pathetic, is at least understandable. They fucked up in the pre-existence and were born without souls!
But as Jared Hess should be well aware, having grown up in Utah as a member of the One True Church all his life, Mormon scripture considers the Catholic Church to be the most vile institution on the planet... a creation of Satan Himself! Doctrine and Covenants 88:94 describes the Catholic Church this way:
And another angel shall sound his trump, saying: That great church, the mother of abominations, that made all nations drink of the wine of the wrath of her fornication, that persecuteth the saints of God, that shed their blood—she who sitteth upon many waters, and upon the islands of the sea—behold, she is the tares of the earth; she is bound in bundles; her bands are made strong, no man can loose them; therefore, she is ready to be burned.
But does Jared Hess, with his newfound prestige - his faith strenghtened by the success God gave him - take this opportunity to honor the Prophet Joseph Smith and give the Mother of All Whores a justly-earned singe so that future generations may finally burn this abominable false church to dust for all time? NO! Drunk on power and Hollywood mistresses, Jared Hess writes and directs this jolly film about an edgy but lovable instrument of Satan dragging orphaned kids down to hell with him.
If Jared gives a damn about his religion at all, he'll cast himself in the movie and have his character quote old-school Mormon Apostle Orson Pratt at Black's uncouth priest:
Both Catholics and Protestants are nothing less than the "whore of Babylon" whom the Lord denounces... as having corrupted all the earth by their fornications and wickedness. And any person who shall be so wicked as to receive a holy ordinance of the gospel from the ministers of any of these apostate churches will be sent down to hell with them.
But I doubt the honchos at Nickelodeon would like that. So Jared's just going to keep his timid trap shut, greedily sowing the seeds for his imminent damnation. I'd take Jeremy Coon as an arch-rival over that Son of Perdition any day.
Oh my God.
Posted by: Emily | July 06, 2005 at 10:11 AM
i am wondering if jared's yin is balanced now, does double yin = yin/yang? i think not
pray for jerusha friends
Posted by: brzos | July 07, 2005 at 01:40 AM
The easiest way to appear taller is to try to pull someone else down. Looks like you've chosen the path of least resistence. Of course you are free to choose how to spend your energy but it does seem a little lame to me that you're spilling your seed instead of investing it. What do I know I'm just an old lady.
mfdaisy
Posted by: mfdaisy | August 25, 2005 at 05:35 PM
Is this comment some kind of a joke? Who put you up to this, mfdaisy?
Posted by: Rhys Southan | August 26, 2005 at 01:15 PM
i saw nacho libre and it was really good. i don't know jared hess at all but i realy think the world needs more writers and directors that put out clean films. don't get me wrong, i'm not saying just mormons, but anyone that will put out films that you learn something about life or some thing that teaches you high standards.
my sister in law is catholic and she is one of my closest friends, she is so awesome.
i am a return missionary myself, i served in the illinois chicago north mission and taught many catholic people the gospel, very good and family oriented people. i taught jews and baptists, also very kind and loveable people.
take my advice, i doubt jared feels like catholics are horrible people, but instead he has a strong testimony ofTHE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER DAY SAINTS.
i know it is true myself because i prayed and asked GOD if it is true, and i recieved an answer of yes. it is true and i will take that testimony to my grave.
a friendly saint
Posted by: A LATTER DAY SAINT | August 27, 2006 at 01:10 PM
Stumbled across your blog looking for some stuff on Jared Hess. I don't know what the Mormons are teaching these days, but in the Catholic Church part of what we learn in the gospels is that Christ has taught us to "love one another as i have loved you" Jn 13:24. I don't remember the part of the Word of God where Christ loved you by calling you the whore of Babylon. I will pray for you my friend. Our last Holy Father, when asked what his favorite scripture passage was replied with this:
"and you will know the truth and the truth will make you free" Jn 8:32
Posted by: Terry | August 29, 2006 at 08:14 PM
I KNOW MYSELF HOW IT IS TO BE ATTACKED AND PERSECUTED FOR MY BELIEFS. THAT MUST BE TOUGH FOR YOU TERRY. YOU MAY NOT KNOW THIS, BUT POPE JON PAUL AND GORDON B. HINCKLEY (RECENT MORMON PROPHET, LIKE YOUR POPE)KNEW EACH OTHER AND GREATLY RESPECTED AND LOVED EACH OTHER LIKE BROTHERS. PRESIDENT HINCKLEY SPOKE VERY HIGHLY OF POPE JON PAUL AND HIS CONTRIBUTIONS TO BETTERING THIS WORLD WE LIVE IN.
THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER DAY SAINTS IS ABOUT PEACE AND LOVE. WE WERE SOME OF THE FIRST THERE WHEN KATRINA HIT. WHEN THE STORM IN INDONESIA HIT, MEMBERS ON THEIR OWN MONEY FLEW THERE AND SND REBULIT THERE 10 OPERATING ROOMS, RESTOCKED THEIR MEDICINE RESERVES, AND REPAIRED THEIR FISHING NETS. THERE IS MUCH MORE, BUT WHAT MATTERS IS THE OUT LOOK OF THE CHURCH IS VERY MUCH TAINTED BY SOCIETY.
TERRY, A LITTLE ABOUT THE CATHOLIC CHURCH AND I HAVE GREAT RESPECT FOR YOU AND YOUR BELIEFS. POPE JON PAUL LOVED THE CHURCH AND PRAYED FOR ITS SUCCES.
HERE IS A LITTLE ABOUT WHAT WE BELIEVE:
1) WE BELIVE IN GOD THE ETERNAL FATHER AND IN HIS SON JESUS CHRIST AND IN THE HOLY GHOST.
2) WE BELIEVE ALL MEN WILL BE PUNISHED FOR THEIR OWN SINS, AND NOT ADAMS TRANSGRESSION.
3) WE BELIEVE THAT THROUGH THE ATONEMENT OF CHRIST, ALL MANKIND MAY BE SAVED, BY OBEDIANCE TO THE LAWS AND ORDINANCES OF THE GOSPEL.
4) WE BELIEVE THAT THE FIRST PRINCIPLES AND ORDINANCES OF THE GOSPEL ARE: FIRST, FAITH IN THE LORD JESUS CHRIST; SECOND,REPENTANCE; THIRD, BAPTISM BY EMERSION FOR THE REMISSION OF SINS; FOURTH, LAYING ON OF HANDS FOR THE GIFT OF THE HOLY GHOST.
5) WE BELIEVE A MAN MUST BE CALLED OF GOD, BY PROPHECY, AND BY THE LAYING ON OF HANDS BY THOSE WHO ARE IN AUTHORITY, TO PREACH THE GOSPEL AND ADMINISTER IN THE ORDINANCES THEREOF.
6) WE BELIEVE IN THE SAME ORGANIZATION THAT EXISTED IN THE PRIMITIVE CHURCH, NAMELY, APOSTLES, PROPHET, PASTORS, TEACHERS EVANGELISTS, AND SO FORTH.
7) WE BELIEVE IN THE GIFT OF TONGUES, PROPHECY, REVELATIION, VISIONS, HEALING, INTERPRETSION OF TONGUES, AND SO FORTH.
8) WE BELIEVE THE BIBLE TO BE THE WORD OF GOD AS FAR AS IT IS TRANSLATED CORRECTLY; WE ALSO BELIEVE THE BOOK OF MORMON TO BE THE WORD OF GOD.
9) WE BELIEVE ALL THAT GOD HAS REVEALED, ALL THAT HE DOES NOW REVEAL, AND WE BELIEVE THAT HE WILL YET REVEAL MANY GREAT AND IMPORTANT THINGS PERTAINING TO THE KINGDOM OF GOD.
10) WE BELIEVE IN THE LITERAL GATHEERING OF ISRAEL AND THE RESTORSTION OF THE TEN TRIBES; THAT ZION (THE NEW JERUSALEM) WILL BE BUILT UPON THE AMERICAN CONTINENT; THAT CHRIST WILL REIGN PERSONALLY UPON THE EARTH; AND, THAT THE EARTH WILL BE RENEWED AND RECIEVE ITS PARADISIACAL GLORY.
11) WE CLIAM THE PRIVELAGE OF WORSHIPPING ALMIGHTY GOD ACCORDING TO THE DICTATES OF OUR OWN CONSCIENCE, AND ALLOW ALL MEN THE SAME PRIVILEGE, LET THEM WORSHIP HOW, WHERE, OR WHAT THEY MAY.
12) WEBELIVE IN BI=EING SUBJECT TO KINGS, PRESIDENTS, RULERS, AND MAGISTRATES, IN OBEYING, HONORING, AND SUSTAINING THE LAW.
13) WE BELIEVE IN BEING HONEST, TRUE, CHASTE, BENEVOLENT, VIRTUOUS , AND DOING GOOD TO ALL MEN; INDEED WE MAY SAY WE FOLLOW THE ADMONITION OF PAUL-WE BELIEVE ALL THINGS, WE HOPE ALL THINGS, WE HAVE ENDURED MANY THINGS, AND WE HOPE TO ENDURE ALL THINGS. IF THERE IS ANYTHING VIRTUOUS, LOVELY, OR OF GOOD REPORT OR PRAISEWORTHY, WE SEEK AFTER THESE THINGS.
-JOSEPH SMITH
TERRY, WE ARE ALL ABOUT DOING GOOD TO OUR FELLOW MAN AND HELPING THE WORLD HEAL.
A FRIENDLY SAINT
Posted by: A LATTER DAY SAINT | August 31, 2006 at 12:51 PM
Mormonism's opinion of just about anything is laughable. I mean, Jesus in North America? Uh, right. As for Catholicism, try looking at the FBI crime stats Einstein. The prevalence of child molestation is no higher than amongst ministers of Protestant religions. Of course facts are kryptonite to morons like yourself and best ignored. My only advice is up your meds rather than convert to that cartoon religion you idiot.
Posted by: gtf | November 28, 2006 at 03:11 AM
well in Jn. 10:16 it says "And other sheep I have, which are not of this fold: them also I must bring, and they shall hear my voice; and there shall be one fold, and one shepherd."
This scripture is evidence that Jesus Christ was talking about other children of God that have not literally heard His voice or seen His face. Jesus Christ was seen by his apostles when He was resurrected and by many other people.
I know that Jesus is THE CHRIST and will never deny it. Also I know that He visited The Americas because I have prayed about these things. If a person wants to know truth, they must pray about these things in faith and not just believe what someone says. I have done that for myself.
Posted by: A LATTER DAY SAINT | January 09, 2007 at 02:39 AM
You need to do your homework before you spill what brains you have.
If you look at the credits of Nacho Libre, you will see written by Jared Hess, Jerusha Hess, and Mike White. Jared is more that happily married and is true to his faith.
I think you should spend more time on improving your life instead of beating others down. Good Luck!!!
Posted by: adakri | January 21, 2007 at 09:52 PM
WOW!!!!
That was the stupidest article I've ever read. You are so far away from the truth its hilarious. If you actually knew what you were talking about you would have a completely different opinion. Jared Hess is the one that has things going for him. If it wasn't for him jeremy coon would be no where. I'm suprised he still is. Oh and napoleon dynamite was not secretly for mormons. Your an idiot. Oh and hess never ditched his wife or religion. Jerusha has been there along his side every step of the way and so has his religion. You really need to figure out the facts before you start writing. You should be embarassed!!
Posted by: Batista | January 21, 2007 at 11:24 PM
Sounds like you already got feedback from Church members like me. I'd say more, but I think some of these comments have already covered it. The fact is, Nacho Libre is a hilarious movie with a great message. Jared Hess has not abandoned his wife or his faith. She was there with him the whole time. Mike White is a great writer. Jack Black is a hilarious actor. I think the problem here is you. You're an over opinionated movie critic. you hold no hope for the future of film making because you read it through the business buzz of Hollywood executives and not through the personalities that create it. With people like Jared Hess directing the project, you're going to have quality film. Its who he is. Not just because he made a movie using members of the Church and not just because he worked with his wife. He's married to her. I'm sure her influence is felt whether she'd listed in the credits or not. Remember that film reflects the values and personality of those who create it. I love Jared Hess' work because of who he is. Anything he has his hand in will be good.
Posted by: Ben | July 04, 2007 at 01:28 PM
I just don't understand how people so concerned with Christ can be so hateful. Leave judgement to the Almighty.
Posted by: D | October 08, 2007 at 09:32 PM
Why are you commenting on what others have written instead of what this brainless psycho has? None of these people have been hateful except for a few who do need to take it down a notch. That's like saying if a baptist says something rude, it means, "Oh! All Baptists are hateful! Slay them ALL!" As for this critic, he needs to get a job worthwhile instead of being "judgmental" and "hateful". It's a sad day in this world when a guy tries to make a good, clean, funny movie and is slandered because of his religion. It sounds like this guy has read the D&C, so he must have been curious. Jared Hess is completely funny and very talented. Leave him alone and grow up.
Posted by: Cady | June 12, 2008 at 05:01 PM
Napolean Dynamite was the lamest movie in the history of film. You insult great screenwriters to the upmost. I'm sorry but did you run out of ideas for screenplays? This movie seems like an attempt to save your career....however, I don't think it did you much justice since it was rated at the box office as $44,478,018. hahahahaha sad but true. Well good luck. I hope you never direct another movie again. Please just save us your humilation. Oh have you read the reviews? Well I'm sure you have so
Posted by: Hannah Milkowski | September 04, 2008 at 04:48 AM
Opinions are like. . . well do ya get what I'm drifting to ya all. I'm no exception, really I'm as good or bad as the rest of us here.
There is alot to be said for the positive energy, or light in the Universe. Turn it on and all the darkness flees yes?
Am I making sense to any one yet? Critics are just that, maybe thats all they know, maybe! What makes you Happy? Or not!
Posted by: Jb1rd | March 06, 2009 at 09:43 PM
Are you freakin' kidding me? Is there a real reason why you are comparing yourself to ANYONE? I am sorry but you are one sad man. And by the way, I have known Jared Hess for 29 years and what you said about him is as disgusting as it is untrue. You are obviously full of hate and discontent for whatever reason but I suggest you rethink your goals in life and maybe join the Navy.
Posted by: Matthew | March 27, 2009 at 05:59 PM